In Denial……Again

One of the most disappointing parts of myself are when I say I’m committing to something and don’t follow through.

I wrote about my dirty little secret.

(Oh….WP has changed some since I was last on here)

I think when I start to feel a little better I become a peacock. In all my peacockedness I don’t really pay attention. I decided to avoid alcohol just like I should and I let my pill pusher pile on more and more medications.

I was not feeling like the medications were giving me any relief. I was getting worse. Of course, with most antidepressants they come with a warning that certain medications may increase the risk of depression. One of the pills I was taking was keeping me in a constant state of depression. I switched between mild to extreme depression.

So…..I returned to drinking to feel better for a few hours.

Anyway, blah, blah, blah…..I recently recognized what drinking was doing to my mind. To most that would be a no-brainer, but with the sick mind the only thought was relief.

Decreasing medications is something I have been slowly achieving with help from my pill pusher. I finally convinced him that instead of adding to my cocktail, maybe I can pinpoint what is dragging me down. It has been a very slow process but one by one……

Reducing slowly and not making any changes during big events such as our daughter’s wedding, Christmas, and more I will write about, has shown me I was right. There is something that was dragging me down.

By accident I learned what drinking alcohol was doing to me.

Sometimes I think I’m such a smarty pants that I ignore what is right in front of me.

The Queen of Denial.





About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
This entry was posted in Depression and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to In Denial……Again

  1. Trial and error, trial and error.

  2. Alcohol keep you in the depression, April. I have had verbal fights with a beloved one about the same and told, that no medication will work, while alcohol are involved. I tried this for myself many years ago now and just I stopped drinking any kind of alcohol, the medication started to function.
    Wish you all good luck.

  3. Not denial young lady, it is the art of learning you. A more beautiful thing cannot be achieved unless you trip and stumble to ‘see’ how you are going. It is with great strength that we have the courage to look within, so be proud that you did ‘see’ where you were at ❤

  4. Glynis Jolly says:

    Just out of curiosity, is your doctor trying cognitive therapy on you for depression? Of course you need something to get out of your funk but maybe you need an alternative to denial is all.

    • April says:

      Yes, that is what I’ve had. I just get to a point where I don’t want to believe I have an illness that requires me to take medication and need “instructions” how to live. Does that make sense? It doesn’t to me but that’s what happens.

      • Glynis Jolly says:

        You may still need some of the meds just because of the way you’re wired. However, cognitive habits help me so I don’t need meds that make me feel foggy. I love that.

        • April says:

          I’m working on the acceptance that I may need medication but that’s okay. I just have to be honest with myself and my doctor.

  5. Elouise says:

    April, Thanks for sharing so much of your inner struggle with us. We’ve all been there, in our own ways, and can be proud we’ve learned to take steps to move toward healing. Denial is a death wish–even though we might not experience it that way. Here’s to hope and more baby steps forward–just for today! 🙂

    • April says:

      Thank you for the encouragement. I haven’t looked at denial as a death wish but it is. A death of the soul……….or, maybe it’s my soul trying to reach my twisted up mind?

  6. joey says:

    I would never have believed caffeine was such a trigger for my anxiety. I decaffed seven years ago this month. By January, I knew. I knew I had been poisoning myself. It was a hard realization. I could order a soda, or the barista could make a mistake and within minutes, I could feel the tremble of panic rising. I rarely drink caffeine now, and when I do, I consider it medicinal. It works, I’ll say that much, caffeine has tremendous effects on me. I wish I didn’t have the issue, but it’s better to be aware.

    • April says:

      Hmmmm…..there was a time I went decaf or drank decaf tea. My mom gave me a flavored coffee and I went back to caffeinated and only drink a cup, some days 2. At this point I am ready to try anything to keep my body chemistry even.

      • joey says:

        Oh, I didn’t mean to imply that you need to get off the caffeine! I hope it didn’t come across that way. I mean, sure, try it, see if it helps, but I was relating to your alcohol with my caffeine. It was hard to believe, hard to accept, but it sure did help with anxiety.

        • April says:

          I know, but it is one thing I have been contemplating. I read articles about caffeine being bad, and then good. I believe it may be worth a try. I have always to pinpoint why I have more trouble with anxiety toward the end of the day. My doctor had a theory that maybe it was because that time of day was for the kids coming home, after school activities, homework, dinner….blah blah. I know that if I have any sugar near lunchtime I end up feeling pretty jittery and more anxious. Hey, I’m ready to consider anything and I didn’t take it that you were implying anything. I like you sharing what helps you. It could be one of the components to my cocktail, besides alcohol that is messing with my mind.

Comments are closed.