Finding, or noticing, triggers for depression is very hard for me. Or maybe I simply ignore the triggers and keep on pushing until I break, only to find out that I broke over nonsense.
I’m not one for change. It’s rather odd because I used to have to change all the time. I now recognize that I was running from problems. Once I became overwhelmed, I ran. New job, new apartment, new friends, impulsive actions.
Having kids grounded me. Every day I fought to set a good example. Teach them to be respectful and kind to others. Know their own minds and to follow their hearts. All while trying to hide my inner self.
I may be repeating, and I apologize, but over the last 6-8 months I have been experiencing change after change. Changes which created chaos in my mind. A marriage! So exciting and turned out perfect, but change…..
Our youngest son had moved out recently with his two dogs. I had the empty nest syndrome again but they weren’t far. He and his girlfriend planned a road trip to include a stop for the wedding. They decided to stay in the Seattle/Tacoma area. Oh my. I didn’t know how much I would miss them. With technology, it’s easier to keep up with them but it’s just not the same as being mobbed by two happy dogs.
They, like our daughter, followed their hearts. I’m so proud they had the courage to fly on their own. Our oldest is in the city. With traffic congestion, it takes him a long time to simply stop by after work. We see him when we can. We are also prepared that some day a job offer may take him to another place. He is also following his heart.
Things are quiet around me.
The noise in my mind has been extremely annoying, but it’s getting better.
People have always told me that I’m a leader, not a follower. I hated being a leader because I saw myself as such a flawed person. I’m learning to be flawsome…..an awesome person with flaws.
I don’t have to try so hard to find a trigger as I’m sure I create more in my mind than is necessary. I destroy myself then berate myself for doing so.
I’m learning more and more about mindfulness and it isn’t what I believed it to be. I’m opening my mind to positive movement forward and it feels good. Perhaps I will get my sense of humor back.