Trying Too Hard

Finding, or noticing, triggers for depression is very hard for me. Or maybe I simply ignore the triggers and keep on pushing until I break, only to find out that I broke over nonsense.

I’m not one for change. It’s rather odd because I used to have to change all the time. I now recognize that I was running from problems. Once I became overwhelmed, I ran. New job, new apartment, new friends, impulsive actions.

Having kids grounded me. Every day I fought to set a good example. Teach them to be respectful and kind to others. Know their own minds and to follow their hearts. All while trying to hide my inner self.

I may be repeating, and I apologize, but over the last 6-8 months I have been experiencing change after change. Changes whichย created chaos in my mind. A marriage! So exciting and turned out perfect, but change…..

Our youngest son had moved out recently with his two dogs. I had the empty nest syndrome again but they weren’t far. He and his girlfriend planned a road trip to include a stop for the wedding. They decided to stay in the Seattle/Tacoma area. Oh my. I didn’t know how much I would miss them. With technology, it’s easier to keep up with them but it’s just not the same as being mobbed by two happy dogs.

They, like our daughter, followed their hearts. I’m so proud they had the courage to fly on their own. Our oldest is in the city. With traffic congestion, it takes him a long time to simply stop by after work. We see him when we can. We are also prepared that some day a job offer may take him to another place. He is also following his heart.

Things are quiet around me.

The noise in my mind has been extremely annoying, but it’s getting better.

People have always told me that I’m a leader, not a follower. I hated being a leader because I saw myself as such a flawed person. ย I’m learning to be flawsome… awesome person with flaws.

I don’t have to try so hard to find a trigger as I’m sure I create more in my mind than is necessary. I destroy myself then berate myself for doing so.

I’m learning more and more about mindfulness and it isn’t what I believed it to be. I’m opening my mind to positive movement forward and it feels good. Perhaps I will get my sense of humor back.



About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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15 Responses to Trying Too Hard

  1. meANXIETYme says:

    I don’t mind change…I don’t run to it or away from it. I do mind the unknown…it’s when there is unknown either in my current or changing life that distresses me.

    You have had not only change but also upheaval. I don’t like upheaval. I think it’s aces that you raised your kids to follow their hearts…good job, Mom!

  2. You have done the best job being a good Mom to your kids, April ๐Ÿ™‚
    I could wish, that my Mom have had that courage, while I was a kid and young.

  3. joey says:

    Flawsome is Fabulous!
    I often wonder what my nest will be like when it’s empty. Already one is far, no intention to return. I like that she’s happy there, but yes, I do miss her.
    I like that you created people you enjoy — congratulations on that ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. But you are trying April, that is loving yourself, a kinder heart you will not find โค
    It is like giving up smoking, I tried to do it instantly and struggled many times with this huge thing I had built up over many years. It wasn’t until I chipped away at it that I finally conquered it, one smoke at a time.
    Don’t create change in one huge swoop, just do one piece at a time, get used to it, then take another step and it won’t seem like you are confronting the entire NFL team at once….those guys are big ๐Ÿ˜€
    Just do the receiver thing and use your heart to be in the right spot at the right time for you, and before you know it you’ll be scoring touchdowns with great regularity. They’ll come knocking on your door to sign you up ๐Ÿ˜€

  5. Gallivanta says:

    To have children out on their own in the world is a great achievement. That makes you awesome, But I like flawsome, too. It’s more realistic.

    • April says:

      Well, one kind of leans on us a little more than he should….and we shouldn’t let him. He has moved across the states so he’s a lot more on his own now. I’m curious to see what he does.

  6. Glynis Jolly says:

    Maybe you actually needed the “empty nest” to start settling your mind.

  7. Flawsome is a fabulous word. I will start to use it, too.

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