Throw a Little Chaos Into It

Beware to readers who may be depressed at the time you read this. My intention is not to make you more hopeless because I know a new moment is coming to enjoy life….it’s just not right now.

For months I have been struggling to find happiness and joy. Do I find things funny? Yes. I laugh, I smile, I’m my sarcastic self…….but I’m not myself. Deep down, there is a storm a-brewing. The nasty kind with clapping thunder and magnificent lightning.

I’ve never tried so hard to change my negative thoughts than I have the last couple….or has it been several….months. Pbbbt…it could be longer than that.

I am a fake, but an award worthy actress.

I live, but I’m not living.

Continuing to look for the blessings in life is still a minute by minute exercise. The feel of my grand puppy’s hair, the sunshine in the morning, visiting with family……

I exist.


About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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15 Responses to Throw a Little Chaos Into It

  1. meANXIETYme says:

    Some days the best we can do is exist…until we can find the next step forward.

  2. Elouise says:

    Sending smiles and love and prayers your way.

  3. But your expressing your heart here April, and that is as loving as you can be…that means a lot. Hugs ❤ 😀

  4. Gallivanta says:

    In your moment of laughter are you yourself? Or is your laughter on the surface of your self? Just curious. Sometimes laughter carries me out of myself. Sometimes it doesn’t. But on the whole I think it does me good.

    • April says:

      Your comment inspired thoughts in me. Yes, sometimes when I laugh I am myself. I also laugh from a place that is forced. I love to laugh and find many things to do it. I know I’m in trouble when I find absolutely nothing to laugh about. That’s where I am right now.

      • Gallivanta says:

        oh dear, that is bleak. Well this probably won’t make you laugh but it is a bit screwball. I phone my daughter in Australia every night. She chooses an episode of Frasier (which she knows by heart) for me to watch on Youtube while we are on the phone. So I watch Frasier, and she listens on her end, and we laugh ourselves silly.

  5. midgetgemz says:

    Sending positive thoughts to you 🙂 it WILL get better 🙂 even if it doesn’t feel like it right now believe it will 🙂 other than friends and family, you always have this to talk on and a supportive community 🙂 gem x

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