A Dirty Little Secret

Some of you know that I, like many suffering from some sort of mental disorder, take a handful of pills. Some are vitamins and some are prescriptions. Dr.-Wacky-Pants-Pill-Pusher has thrown another one at me and this one took me way, way off the path.

Before and after starting this medication, I would tick off the hours until dinner time so that I could have a drink, or two, or three. I wanted some way to escape my thoughts, and alcohol was a means to disrupt the obsessive thinking. Meditating wasn’t working because I was having trouble quieting the monkeys.

Did I get drunk? nah….it seemed that alcohol had little affect except add pounds to my already overweight body. The secret…..I didn’t tell my doctor.

There is a reason for the warning to avoid alcohol while on antidepressants. In fact, there are many reasons to avoid mixing the two. The one I believe I’m struggling with is that alcohol is making my medications ineffective.

I’ve been living in a torturous cycle, striving to fight my damndest to crawl out and breathe in some positivity.

I don’t know if it is unfortunate or not but I have a tendency to lead myself to obsessive actions. Knitting, adult coloring, binge (really binge) watch television, over thinking. I have been obsessively thinking about being depressed…..am I depressed because I think I am, therefore I’m depressed? Around and around I go. Do I even make sense?

The drinking has stopped. The physical exercise is going to begin. I can’t put it off any longer…..it’s too painful.

We recently made a trip to the rural house my husband inherited from his dad, to continue with the piecemeal tasks to prepare it for retirement or to be sold. One of my obsessive thoughts has been being a square peg in a round hole. How do I fit in? How do I accept myself?

I haven’t shared a picture here for a long time, but there it was….my answer…contained in a paper towel holder my father-in-law crafted.

I must soften my edges.

p.s. what the heck happened to WP while I was having obsessive thoughts turned inside instead of looking outside for happiness and positivity?

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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17 Responses to A Dirty Little Secret

  1. meANXIETYme says:

    Oh my gosh, April, that epiphany is beautiful. So much so that it made me cry. sniffle

  2. Glenna says:

    Wow sometimes you really feel “uniquely” overwhelmed by this gift called “life” and reading this made me feel connected …sorry

  3. Elouise says:

    A beautiful post from a beautiful woman! One of your greatest gifts, in my opinion, is your ability to reflect on your behavior, take action, and make yourself accountable. Softening your edges….all because of that towel holder. Amazing how things happen. πŸ™‚

  4. Glynis Jolly says:

    I think it is marvelous that you have so much common sense that you can rationally see where you are making mistakes. True, this one took a while but some do; that is just the way life is. Moderate exercise has helped me with the things I obsess about. It takes a while for it to work but it is work.

    • April says:

      Our drive to Missouri was 12 hours of silence. I get too distracted with music and chatting. My husband and I split the driving time……a lot of thinking time. It takes a while to right myself after a nose dive, but I know I can do this.

  5. joey says:

    Wow, you phrased the words perfectly to encapsulate the photo.
    I’m glad you will continue hard work toward your own best interests. Keep it up πŸ™‚

  6. I completely understand what you mean about the round and round thoughts. I get in these moods where I am pretty much waiting for the worst possible thing to happen. I constantly what if myself into a tired, irritated, irrational blob of goo and I somehow have to put myself back together. It’s a struggle. And it’s hard to think that one day I will feel better and will be able to actually just relax, but you just have to keep on going. I have found that saying all of my thoughts to my husband helps me realize I may be slightly overreacting. Thanks for letting me feel I am not alone. ❀

    • April says:

      I realized that the conversations with my husband lately have all been about me and my feelings. I often wonder what is going through his mind when I voice my frustrations about the struggle of the day. Thankfully, he is patient and I know that moods can be temporary. It’s the hanging in there until the mood changes that’s tough.

  7. Ah, but even square pegs in round holes have purpose April.
    Just believe in you, you are a masterpiece. And like any masterpiece, it all starts with the first stroke by just taking one step at a time. Slowly it will come together, and you have the rest of your life to guide its creation ❀

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