Apparently, I have hoisted myself out of bed the last several mornings. Saturday morning I hid under the covers for a brief time but I did get up.
Anyway, life hasn’t been all doom and gloom. I would rather write about how I’m managing to live in spite of depression than to whine about all the chains keeping me bound.
I’m about to finish the dental process of filling the tooth hole I’ve had since before Christmas. I suppose it’s taking so long because I’ve had to have a bone graft. Exciting stuff, I tell you!
We’re making more progress on the deck. The railing has been installed around the top deck. I’ll post before and after photos when we’re done. The reason why that has taken so long? Probably depression, weather, hunting season, the all so annoying need to torture myself with the presidential election and its aftermath. We’re finally gettin’ ‘er done.
I waited patiently for April The Giraffe to have her baby. Now I’m in love with giraffes but have nothing to watch until football season starts up. Maybe Jerry Springer would be a distraction from our political climate……hmmmm…..yeah, I don’t think so.
We actually had a Spring season this year. It was otherwise known as Winter but it never got really cold here. Now it’s Summer or, as I like to call it, Sprummer.
We’re empty nesters again. Now I have more time to make myself miserable. Too much time with myself hasn’t really been helpful. Isolating myself has only added to the struggle.
Over the last several months I have been searching for the answer to why I’m struggling so much. I have always been a pretty high functioning depressed/anxiety ridden person…I just kept going. I was blaming it on my cancer diagnosis but I think I’ve pinpointed it to the death of my sister four years ago. I lost who I was and I kept bringing myself down because I wanted a logical reason as to where I went.
One recent Instagram quote has sparked an interest in other thoughts:
Sometimes we have to lose who we were, to find out who we are ~ @commanding life
In my personal experience I find depression to be so self centered. I spend the majority of my waking hours questioning everything I do or don’t do. Everything I say or don’t say. What if I do something or say something, how will it impact my emotions?
My therapist, along with a bunch of articles I’ve read about recovering from depression is to volunteer time. There is great reward in helping others, I know that. I did it for many, many years until burn out……or maybe I could no longer fight off depression. When I’m so wrapped up in my own pain, I seriously don’t care about anyone else. Well, I care but I don’t want to do anything about it.
I’ve also been reading some about self awareness. It’s very interesting. I’m learning that instead of observing how I represent myself, I worry about what others are thinking of me. I think there is a right time and place when we should care what others think (hear that mr. president?), but for the most part if we are loving and are aware of ourselves, no doubt, it will show in how we represent ourselves to others.