each day

Apparently, I have hoisted myself out of bed the last several mornings. Saturday morning I hid under the covers for a brief time but I did get up.

Anyway, life hasn’t been all doom and gloom. I would rather write about how I’m managing to live in spite of depression than to whine about all the chains keeping me bound.

I’m about to finish the dental process of filling the tooth hole I’ve had since before Christmas. I suppose it’s taking so long because I’ve had to have a bone graft. Exciting stuff, I tell you!

We’re making more progress on the deck. The railing has been installed around the top deck. I’ll post before and after photos when we’re done. The reason why that has taken so long? Probably depression, weather, hunting season, the all so annoying need to torture myself with the presidential election and its aftermath. We’re finally gettin’ ‘er done.

I waited patiently for April The Giraffe to have her baby. Now I’m in love with giraffes but have nothing to watch until football season starts up. Maybe Jerry Springer would be a distraction from our political climate……hmmmm…..yeah, I don’t think so.

We actually had a Spring season this year. It was otherwise known as Winter but it never got really cold here. Now it’s Summer or, as I like to call it, Sprummer.

We’re empty nesters again. Now I have more time to make myself miserable. Too much time with myself hasn’t really been helpful. Isolating myself has only added to the struggle.

Over the last several months I have been searching for the answer to why I’m struggling so much. I have always been a pretty high functioning depressed/anxiety ridden person…I just kept going. I was blaming it on my cancer diagnosis but I think I’ve pinpointed it to the death of my sister four years ago. I lost who I was and I kept bringing myself down because I wanted a logical reason as to where I went.

One recent Instagram quote has sparked an interest in other thoughts:

Sometimes we have to lose who we were, to find out who we are ~ @commanding life

In my personal experience I find depression to be so self centered. I spend the majority of my waking hours questioning everything I do or don’t do. Everything I say or don’t say. What if I do something or say something, how will it impact my emotions?

My therapist, along with a bunch of articles I’ve read about recovering from depression is to volunteer time. There is great reward in helping others, I know that. I did it for many, many years until burn out……or maybe I could no longer fight off depression. When I’m so wrapped up in my own pain, I seriously don’t care about anyone else. Well, I care but I don’t want to do anything about it.

I’ve also been reading some about self awareness. It’s very interesting. I’m learning that instead of observing how I represent myself, I worry about what others are thinking of me. I think there is a right time and place when we should care what others think (hear that mr. president?), but for the most part if we are loving and are aware of ourselves, no doubt, it will show in how we represent ourselves to others.

Thinking.

Thinking.

Thinking.

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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9 Responses to each day

  1. Something for you to test for some relief April…if you listen to music, you can’t think at the same time. You can try but most people have to turn the music down so it doesn’t engage their mind and stop them from thinking of something else. Something you enjoy and you feel is relaxing 😀
    If you find the music to be annoying, as in interfering with your thoughts, just put it on quietly and get used to it. You will be surprised in how often you find yourself starting to listen to it…and giving you a rest 😀

  2. joey says:

    I do not want to compare your depression to my anxiety, but this will lean that way. I do believe, 100%, that volunteering helps, working helps. Not daily 9-5 give-all, mind you. You don’t wanna get burned-out.
    It’s more the occupation of the mind that helps me. There is a focus and a structure in being required to show up. For however long I serve others, I am occupied and focused. This was very important during my husband’s deployments. Red Cross, Girl Scouts, schools, food banks…
    I did a lot of volunteer work before I moved back home, and although I volunteered here, I couldn’t find my place the way I did in Georgia. This, I believe, was BAD for my anxiety, because it gave me more time every week to dwell in the bowels of worry and melancholia. Eventually I took a job, and I know it helped me. I face the fear of driving every day, and come home in rush hour traffic. I’d be lying if I said I don’t worry all the way to and from, but when I’m there, I’m good.
    I haven’t had a single, not one single panic attack at a job, paid or unpaid.
    I hope you find a direction to go in, even if it’s your deck — direction is good. Focused attention is good. 🙂

    • April says:

      I have a pile of chores and wishes to paint some rooms that I need to catch up on. I’ll just have to be held accountable by my husband. If that doesn’t work, I will volunteer…..or get a job, we can always use extra cash.

  3. Don’t discount immersing yourself in comedic relief. Not sure what your personal humor preferences are but if satire is your thing check out http://www.27bslash6.com and you won’t be able to keep from laughing. If satire isn’t your thing don’t read any David Thorne, but do find someone you think is hilarious and let yourself laugh. Laughter is the natural enemy of the depression fog. Also, if my Tunesday video this week didn’t offend you, Garfunkel and Oates have plenty more songs…

  4. smilecalm says:

    wishing you some
    calm, spring time
    fresh breaths
    & sunshine 🙂

  5. TheNutFactory says:

    Hi April, I nominated you for the Bloggers Recognition Award because I love your blog. I love how you always try to find things to make your smile 🙂 The announcement post can be found here 🙂
    https://thenutfactory.wordpress.com/2017/05/21/blogger-recognition-award/

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