Losing Control

I truly feel there is a Sleep Fairy who enters my room and sprinkles me with a blanket of frustration. It brings about self-doubt, self-hate, and lots of vulnerability.

I have a morning routine before I place my feet on the floor. I stretch out all the kinks, I breathe deeply, I give thanks that I woke up, and I focus on the great day I have ahead of me, full of possibilities.

Some mornings this routine begins with the stretch and a flopping back against the pillow and I ask myself why I woke up. I search my brain for the positive peace that I find to tame my thoughts, but I feel numb…my brain is blank. All I feel is raw emotions.

It’s not like negative thoughts are moving through my mind, I just feel despair, hopelessness, and out of control. Where does it come from? Got me…..it has to be the stinkin’ Sleep Fairy.

I seriously don’t want to live this way and will continue to fight on. I wish that it didn’t have to be so hard at times and hit me from behind.

Groan.

Another day full of possibilities? Yes, I believe. Why do I stand in my way?

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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8 Responses to Losing Control

  1. Depression… like a poison fog that permeates and blocks you from your humanity. I hope you’re released soon.

  2. Glynis Jolly says:

    Although I have days when I do not want to get up, days when I just want to sleep but it is not like what you face. More often than not, I just did not sleep well during the night. Mornings are usually a glorious time for me. I wake up full of hope and wonder.

    Not feeling like welcoming the day must be heartwrenching. April, I am only an email away.

    • April says:

      I have days like that too when I didn’t sleep well. I would love if that was the case every morning. Thank you for being there, Glynis.

  3. We all have those thoughts and feelings. We have been (accidentally) taught by those we love and look up to, all of their fears. So that we too go through our journey always thinking those words of…’am I good enough, can I do this, I’m afraid to do’….etc. Oodles of self doubt with a topping of fear with the hard ones.
    But in truth it is very much needed or we cannot understand those opposites that our lives are built on. We cannot truly understand and appreciate happiness, unless we experience and understand sadness as well. Understand hate, to really understand and appreciate love also.
    Each and every emotion that is an intricate part of who we are, each have a job to do. And that job is to do one thing only…to show you unconditional love, of you, and everything else around you. And do you know what…that unconditional love is built totally and utterly of all that went before. You cannot ‘know’ and appreciate unconditional love until you ‘know’ and understand conditional love.
    You April, are leading the pack. You have chosen to stand in those conditions, and are creating that unconditional in each step that you take, and each emotion that you understand a little more.
    Take a bow, take a step, feel the advancement each condition you touch…your winning the battle, even though some days it feels like a step back. You are understanding you in each moment…be proud of that…very proud, it is not an easy journey…but you ARE doing it, slowly finding that love inside 😀 ❤

    • April says:

      You have reminded me of all of my favorite inspirational and quotes. I have been neglecting reading them and letting them settle in my mind. I know I can do this, I’m just exhausted.

      • Then be that love…and have a rest. Looking after you is the most important part…or you cannot help another if you are exhausted, curled in a ball on the floor.
        Do you, and then the rest will feel the love you gave yourself…it is automatic…just like breathing 😀

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