Originally, I started this blog by giving a voice to one of the many faces of depression. All the news stories about people on a gun shooting rage = mental illness, frustrated me. It’s possibly true of those people, but not all of us are like that. Many hide behind faces covering mental illness. Not all sit around, paralyzed by the woes of life.
Removing the stigma and receiving the proper professional help is important. Unfortunately, at least in the United States, funding is meager and the cost for treatment is very expensive. “No beds”, they say…and the mentally ill are released to deal with their own demons. Or, they are placed in the new asylums otherwise known as prisons. They are not only held by a prison in their minds, they are literally held in a prison hindering them from an opportunity to heal.
I realized if I were asked face to face if I were mentally ill, I would probably hesitate and lie. People with certain mental illnesses resort to oscar worthy performances to hide what’s swirling inside.
I have trouble reading positive quotes and the positive approaches to life articles. When I’m having an episode of depression I feel like I’m failing and there is no point of soldering on.
But I do soldier on. I search for my trigger and avoid it. Ha! Wrong thing to do in my opinion. I should search for my trigger and learn how to react to it in a healthy way.
I began to write about many years of trying to enlighten my husband what is going through my mind, and I have had some success. I have seen him try to use his form of psychotherapy, which makes me giggle. I think the statement that made me contain a laugh out loud moment, was when he told me I should start a new project. Anyone who suffers from any form of mental illness would be elated if things were so simple.
Anyway, I have been exploring my mind to find my voice. What do I really want to say? Do I constantly need to remind readers that I experienced too many major life changing experiences, in too short a time, and that my mind finally broke? No. I believe I’ve always struggled with depression. I don’t know what kind of diagnosis to give it, I just know that it has been life-long struggle.
Finding my voice in the blog world doesn’t have to continually include my inner fight. I don’t want to make others feel worse. I also don’t want to write about all my woes so that someone can identify and have an excuse to give up hope for a better life.
Giving up is not an option for me. Sure, there are days I have zero motivation and I tend to wallow in my frustration to move forward, but I’m learning to forgive myself and move along. I’m seeking the proper professional help—-the rest has been a willingness to fight for myself. There are three parts to recovery, in my unprofessional opinion….medication, professional therapy, and a strong personal desire to change. I’m not saying this is the path for all, it has been my experience.
Fighting for my own sense of normalcy or happiness is what I want to give a voice to.
It’s a hard fight battling feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, but the monster can be defeated. Look deep inside, recognize you need professional help, and build a strong desire to change what is familiar. Step outside your zone and forgive yourself for the moments/days of darkness. I have finally learned that my days of darkness are temporary, I get mad when the temporary goes on for months, but it does pass.
So what shall I blog about? We shall see……