It’s easy to forget what I’ve learned about depression once wading through the muck starts. I don’t know what I have as far as a set diagnosis, but then I have a Dr. Wacky Pants.
One thing I do know is that depression comes and it goes, it comes and it goes. Sometimes it hangs around for a while, sometimes like an unwelcome house guest that just won’t go away, no matter how they’re treated. Apparently, I can cycle through the—meh, I’m okay and through the oh crap, I’m depressed again–more rapidly than I thought I was. Each time I learn a little more.
When I’m going through a depressive phase my largest disappointment is letting my husband down. I don’t like the look of helplessness in his eyes. As badly as I want it to go away, so does he.
We have to learn to wait it out and hope the episode won’t last long. I’m not getting as low as I have in the past due to the medications I’m currently taking. Oh, by the way, the expensive folic acid concentrate–or whatever it was–hasn’t seemed to make much difference.
I feel like I have been one kick away from the nut house if something happened. Well, it did. We lost my dad’s sister. It was like losing my dad all over again. However, I understand grief much better than depression.
I’m feeling better now. Each evening before I go to sleep and each morning as I’m waking up, I’ve been repeating the phrase–“my heart is love, light, I am strong, I am kind to myself, life is good”. Over and over I say it before drifting off to sleep. The phrase is also helping me to get my rear end out of bed a little quicker in the morning.
As I will ride out the waves of grief, so shall I learn to ride out the waves of depression. Remembering that depression is temporary, there are times I’m just a little too impatient and I make myself worse with a butt load of negative self-talk.
I send out love, I receive love. I’m beginning to love the depressed part of me as well. It makes me who I am.