Comes and Goes

It’s easy to forget what I’ve learned about depression once wading through the muck starts. I don’t know what I have as far as a set diagnosis, but then I have a Dr. Wacky Pants.

One thing I do know is that depression comes and it goes, it comes and it goes. Sometimes it hangs around for a while, sometimes like an unwelcome house guest that just won’t go away, no matter how they’re treated. Apparently, I can cycle through the—meh, I’m okay and through the oh crap, I’m depressed again–more rapidly than I thought I was. Each time I learn a little more.

When I’m going through a depressive phase my largest disappointment is letting my husband down. I don’t like the look of helplessness in his eyes. As badly as I want it to go away, so does he.

We have to learn to wait it out and hope the episode won’t last long. I’m not getting as low as I have in the past due to the medications I’m currently taking. Oh, by the way, the expensive folic acid concentrate–or whatever it was–hasn’t seemed to make much difference.

I feel like I have been one kick away from the nut house if something happened. Well, it did. We lost my dad’s sister. It was like losing my dad all over again. However, I understand grief much better than depression.

I’m feeling better now. Each evening before I go to sleep and each morning as I’m waking up, I’ve been repeating the phrase–“my heart is love, light, I am strong, I am kind to myself, life is good”. Over and over I say it before drifting off to sleep. The phrase is also helping me to get my rear end out of bed a little quicker in the morning.

As I will ride out the waves of grief, so shall I learn to ride out the waves of depression. Remembering that depression is temporary, there are times I’m just a little too impatient and I make myself worse with a butt load of negative self-talk.

I send out love, I receive love. I’m beginning to love the depressed part of me as well. It makes me who I am.

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
This entry was posted in Anxeity and Depression, Depression and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to Comes and Goes

  1. Glynis Jolly says:

    They [whoever that it] say once you can accept the things you find negative about yourself, you are able to slowly deal with those things better. If you are starting to love all of you, even the depressed parts, you may be learning how to cope with it better.

    So sorry for the loss of your aunt. I know it is heartbreaking to lose someone you love. I hope you are coping all right with this grief.

  2. mewhoami says:

    It is wonderful to hear that you are learning more and more from each episode of depression that you endure. As I always say, baby steps. But, most importantly today, I am very sorry for your loss.

  3. Elouise says:

    April, Thank you for so generously sharing your life with us. Your bedtime mantra is beautiful. I can see why it would help you not just get to sleep, but in your everyday life. I agree that welcoming hard things into our lives and listening to them is important. They help make us who we are–along with all the good parts.
    Elouise

    • April says:

      Each of us are so multi faceted. I keep feeling sorry for myself that I didn’t learn what I’m learning in my 20s. It would have saved me decades of torture. I keep thinking I’m on the downhill side of my lifespan but I’m just beginning to live and I want to enjoy each and every moment of it because I see a picture of me in the paper celebrating my 100th birthday. 😀

  4. Well done April. You have achieved an amazing thing…to find you 😀
    It takes time, with the occasional backward step…but slowly you can smile, and really appreciate the love that it brings. Enjoy the sunshine! ❤

  5. Gallivanta says:

    I am sorry for your loss. Our parents’ siblings are like ‘little/substitute’ parents in my view, so to lose them is hard.

  6. Cathy Bohlae says:

    I really and truly like who you are!

  7. Cathy Bohlae says:

    Sorry I too am sorry for the loss of your aunt!

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