An Answer Here, An Answer There

So far…..3×5 cards of questions still in the planning stage. 😀

Morning routine is a hit and miss.

I know that typical sadness or anger can trigger a depressive episode for me. I was so excited for the Seattle Seahawks to play this year but they were a disappointment to me. All season they played like what was going through my mind. A flash of brilliance and a lack of follow-through.

Guess what? They aren’t going to the Super Bowl and I let their loss go instead of stewing over it until I had worked myself into a setback. There is always next year and they will keep practicing….just as I will. I have thrown around statements such as, “I’m never going to watch football again”. Eyerolls and pshts have been casted my direction because we all know that is a false statement.

I have been letting thoughts flow in and out of my mind. Doing as my therapist suggested for anxiety, I observe them. Yes, I fell back into some old patterns of wishing I would disappear, hating my life, thinking I’m stupid, and how can I possibly live out the rest of my life knowing what I know. For my mind, depression is a keeper. sigh

I will learn to work around it, just as I always have. The difference is that now I have some answers and I’m willing to give myself a break. I know I don’t have to take my state of mind out on others around me…you know, like snapping at everything they say or do. I know that the rotten person I used to be was a person with untreated depression.

Hmmmm…now to figure out how to act like I’m not depressed, which is exhausting, and quit blaming it on a physical illness so that others leave me alone with my misery. It’s one huge disappointment to have to tell my husband that I’m depressed, yet again, while I keep my fingers crossed that it won’t last too long. The pills I take and expected a miracle, are only assisting me to keep moving forward.

No magic here.

We make our own magic. In my case it’s with a little assistance and a butt-load of determination and persistence.

 

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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13 Responses to An Answer Here, An Answer There

  1. Yes April, there will be days that there will be ants at your picnic, and some days there will be laughter and fun. It is in finding you within them both that an acceptance is made….your truth 🙂
    May your picnic’s be sunny, happy and delicious…even if the ants pay a visit…they aren’t there forever. Maybe you can feed them some crumbs on the grass at the edge of your picnic rug 😀

  2. joey says:

    Keep makin that magic!
    Much as I think there’s somethin to fake it til you make it, it’s not everything.

  3. aviets says:

    Wow, that was so real. Your ability to cut through the bullshit and speak the truth is one of the things I love about you. ❤️

    • April says:

      Haha! I was talking to my husband about liars. How do they do it? I tried to blog anonymously but too much of me came out in my writing and I was sure someone I know would read it and know it was me…..so, I just let it out. In person I may be a bit reserved because I still have that stupid need to make sure nobody thinks I struggle inside. I love your honesty as well! ❤

  4. Glynis Jolly says:

    Out of curiosity, are you doing daily affirmations? I do one: Today is a beautiful day.
    It doesn’t make any difference as to what the weather is. Just saying that to myself helps me start the day with a better attitude.

  5. Elouise says:

    I love that butt-load of patience and determination! And a little help from your friends! 😊

  6. Elouise says:

    OK–determination and persistence work, too! 💕💜

  7. mewhoami says:

    Determination is key! As I always say, even to myself… one day at a time. Just keep moving forward, even if some days it’s only an inch at a time. At least you’re moving.

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