So far…..3×5 cards of questions still in the planning stage. 😀
Morning routine is a hit and miss.
I know that typical sadness or anger can trigger a depressive episode for me. I was so excited for the Seattle Seahawks to play this year but they were a disappointment to me. All season they played like what was going through my mind. A flash of brilliance and a lack of follow-through.
Guess what? They aren’t going to the Super Bowl and I let their loss go instead of stewing over it until I had worked myself into a setback. There is always next year and they will keep practicing….just as I will. I have thrown around statements such as, “I’m never going to watch football again”. Eyerolls and pshts have been casted my direction because we all know that is a false statement.
I have been letting thoughts flow in and out of my mind. Doing as my therapist suggested for anxiety, I observe them. Yes, I fell back into some old patterns of wishing I would disappear, hating my life, thinking I’m stupid, and how can I possibly live out the rest of my life knowing what I know. For my mind, depression is a keeper. sigh
I will learn to work around it, just as I always have. The difference is that now I have some answers and I’m willing to give myself a break. I know I don’t have to take my state of mind out on others around me…you know, like snapping at everything they say or do. I know that the rotten person I used to be was a person with untreated depression.
Hmmmm…now to figure out how to act like I’m not depressed, which is exhausting, and quit blaming it on a physical illness so that others leave me alone with my misery. It’s one huge disappointment to have to tell my husband that I’m depressed, yet again, while I keep my fingers crossed that it won’t last too long. The pills I take and expected a miracle, are only assisting me to keep moving forward.
No magic here.
We make our own magic. In my case it’s with a little assistance and a butt-load of determination and persistence.