Soon You’ll be Walking ‘Cross the Floor

There are times I would like to sit in front of my laptop and type exactly what is on my mind. All the deep, dark thoughts that I stand and fight against on a daily basis. I end up down-playing my anxiety or depression because if I am truly honest and let it all spill out, I don’t think I will recover and keep myself in that pit of despair.

Over the many decades of striving to manage my life, the one positive thing I have accomplished is that I finally accept myself….for the most part. I have lingering social anxiety and a poor body image. However, every day I put forth some effort to accept the way I look because I know I have the power to change that through diet and exercise. Social anxiety is a little harder to conquer since I have been lounging around in isolation.

Life is fluid, but it takes so long for my mind to catch up with the changes. I refuse to give up trying but there are days that are so difficult. Days that turn into weeks…to months. I search for new therapies and drugs and I know that these therapies are to get me to a place I can focus on building a healthy mind.

I, alone, am the only person that can learn to live with myself. My therapist triggers my thoughts, the drugs keep me on an even keel, more or less. I have to stand up for myself and put in the personal work it takes to manage life while living with emotions/thoughts I can’t always control.

Learning to let go of past experiences in order to have a rational response to life events is difficult. As much as I like to believe that I have been able to let go of the past, my mind reverts to old responses to particular situations. Excitement is contained because it evokes a physical feeling in me that feels the same as a high level of anxiety, which can lead to an anxiety attack. Recognizing that there is a difference between excitement and anxiety is an ongoing lesson I have been trying to learn.

Oh how I would just like to curl up in bed and let someone else live for me.

I won’t, though.

Because I’m worth the effort.

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
This entry was posted in Anxeity and Depression and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Soon You’ll be Walking ‘Cross the Floor

  1. meANXIETYme says:

    You ARE worth the effort. I understand this post so well. I admire your fortitude!

  2. aviets says:

    I really understand that desire to curl up in bed and let someone else live for you. Here lately everything – except staying at home, cozy in my own nest, and avoiding the world – is simply too much.

  3. Most certainly young lady, worth every bit, and then some 😀
    But a suggestion if I may….I think you should write exactly what your heart feels, it is a release…in fact any of the arts, whether writing, painting etc, is allowing what is inside…to be released.
    And it doesn’t have to be on here if you feel it is too intense, just do it for you, or better still express it and show your therapist and explain what it feels like to express the bottled up bits.
    I think, like all else I’ve dealt with in life, if you can speak your truth (of exactly how you feel), it is a healing within yourself. It empowers you because you are no longer trying to protect your fear. you are standing in that love within…your love.
    Just a thought. May your expressions be that path…the path that you created…to find that love, with much love 😀 ❤

    • April says:

      I have been doing a lot of thinking and “expressing”. I have some things I’m at peace with and it feels better.

      • If you speak your truth, it releases like nothing else. It free’s you from those holding patterns ingrained from youth, built on expectations of you and others. Just be you, your truth…and then you will live in a more peaceful, calmer place.
        May this year be that place April 😀

  4. Bradley says:

    Your last sentence made my day.

  5. joey says:

    Wonderful. Yes, you ARE worth the effort!

  6. angyjenks says:

    You are so worth the effort sweetie.. I know how depression can eat you and make you feel trap in a state of despair.. but we fight for ourselves and our love ones.. one sickness changed my whole life.. I don’t have a lot of anxiety attacks, mine are panic attacks.. that I do control with medicine as well as my depression.. I don’t think the depression meds work as well as I would like because I still have days of staying in bed.. are just wanting to stay to myself..

  7. CAROL GARNER says:

    You are worth the effort….Love you…xoxo

  8. Totally worth the effort!

  9. Elouise says:

    Your ability to put your thoughts into writing is exceptional. I’ve probably said it before, but I’ll say it now: Keep writing! For yourself, that is. Today I learned from you that excitement and anxiety can be closely connected–in a scary way. Thanks, April. I never would have guessed, though it makes sense in a strange way.
    Elouise 🙂

  10. reocochran says:

    I believe you have figured out ways to navigate some parts of life, some recent strides were made and I remember feeling happy both for you and your family, April. You look for smiles and happy things to not only raise your mood, but you share them with us! 🙂 🙂

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