There are times I would like to sit in front of my laptop and type exactly what is on my mind. All the deep, dark thoughts that I stand and fight against on a daily basis. I end up down-playing my anxiety or depression because if I am truly honest and let it all spill out, I don’t think I will recover and keep myself in that pit of despair.
Over the many decades of striving to manage my life, the one positive thing I have accomplished is that I finally accept myself….for the most part. I have lingering social anxiety and a poor body image. However, every day I put forth some effort to accept the way I look because I know I have the power to change that through diet and exercise. Social anxiety is a little harder to conquer since I have been lounging around in isolation.
Life is fluid, but it takes so long for my mind to catch up with the changes. I refuse to give up trying but there are days that are so difficult. Days that turn into weeks…to months. I search for new therapies and drugs and I know that these therapies are to get me to a place I can focus on building a healthy mind.
I, alone, am the only person that can learn to live with myself. My therapist triggers my thoughts, the drugs keep me on an even keel, more or less. I have to stand up for myself and put in the personal work it takes to manage life while living with emotions/thoughts I can’t always control.
Learning to let go of past experiences in order to have a rational response to life events is difficult. As much as I like to believe that I have been able to let go of the past, my mind reverts to old responses to particular situations. Excitement is contained because it evokes a physical feeling in me that feels the same as a high level of anxiety, which can lead to an anxiety attack. Recognizing that there is a difference between excitement and anxiety is an ongoing lesson I have been trying to learn.
Oh how I would just like to curl up in bed and let someone else live for me.
I won’t, though.
Because I’m worth the effort.