My Sanity on 3 x 5 Cards

This could be repetitive….just letting you know

As I’ve stated before, anxiety seems more logical—personally. I ask myself a set of questions and concentrate on the answers. It helps tame most of my anxiety but it really is a daily ordeal to keep myself in check. I have been identifying each trigger and using my lessons from cognitive behavior therapy to make some sense of why I’m causing myself pain.

Depression isn’t logical to me. It’s like a huge bully that infiltrates my mind sending me into an abyss. It was easy to hide my depression pre-marriage and pre-kids. I used to keep to myself as I went about my day. I was nasty to people who dared to talk to me on a personal level, therefore pushing all potential relationships away, including close relationships with my family. I mechanically did what I had to while looking forward to returning to bed at night. Way back in the recesses of my mind I knew that rent had to be paid and I needed food to survive.

Sharing my personal universe in a very close manner makes it rather difficult to hide depression. When someone invades my universe, it makes me mad….which turns to self directed anger. How I helped raise three wonderful adults is a mystery to me. I’m even a bit baffled how someone found a way to look behind my mask and love me anyway.

Since I learned to separate grief over the losses and major life-altering changes I’ve experienced, from true depression, I feel I’m on the right path. There is a root to grief but I haven’t been able to find the root of depression.

So, I’ve been paying more attention….but apparently, not enough.

Depression creeps up on me when I have my back turned and I don’t know where it comes from. However, with the handful of pills and therapy I’m getting better at identifying what I need to let go. One being self-hate. However, I’m human and I get a little lax and I slip into bad habits.

I have decided to get a stack of 3 x 5 cards and write a series of questions. Oh, I’ve memorized many questions I ask myself when I feel anxiety torturing me but I haven’t been able to translate any of those questions, which are very much the same, while trying to find a trigger for depression.

Pills and therapy were not the answers to end all answers for me. I have had to put more personal work into healing my mind than anything I have ever done in my life. I’m aware that I will more than likely never be cured, but I can manage to have a better life.

Again, if you made it to the end of this long post…..Yay! I’ll let you know if my 3 x 5 theory works. 😀

 

Advertisements

About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
This entry was posted in Anxeity and Depression, Depression and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to My Sanity on 3 x 5 Cards

  1. meANXIETYme says:

    The cards are a pretty neat idea. I would never have thought of it! Something really interesting I might try. Thanks for sharing it.

    • April says:

      I have tried so many things to live with depression. I know that I perpetuate my feelings with feeling bad about feeling bad. By that time I have no clue what I’m thinking or if I even care. Maybe…..if I can stop myself, give myself a break for being human, I can stop slipping deeper into depression. I hope it works. I know I will probably have to deal with some level of depression but if I can read something to make myself more mindful maybe…..

  2. Don says:

    I have come to understand, April, with some of the things I’ve needed to deal with, that there are certain aspects of life that are not cured, but can only be managed. I have to say that over time I’ve got better and better with the managing.

  3. aviets says:

    I’m really interested in your card idea. Looking forward to hearing about how it works. I’m starting to realize I’m really struggling right now with situational depression, made worse by my annual SAD. trying to intentionally monitor so I can keep from sinking too far down. Ha! As if I could will it away…

    • April says:

      I have a feeling that situational depression will be a struggle. Sick as it may sound, I take on all that’s wrong and blame myself for not doing enough or not doing the correct thing. I can’t cure all abused and homeless animals, I can’t feed all hungry children, I can’t house the homeless or help them receive psychiatric help. I can’t boot out the next president but there is something we can do, no matter how small and insignificant it may seem. If enough of us do our little part then maybe we can feel a little better? That gives us hope, which is lacking while depressed.

  4. mewhoami says:

    I think the 3×5 card idea is great. Perhaps this is something that I need to try. I had tried writing a virtual document on my struggles, including self help ideas, but when trying times arise that’s the last thing I think of to look at. In fact, I never think to look there. So, the easily accessible card idea is great! I’m trying to get back into writing too. I had put writing on the side in order to focus more on life’s priorities, but I think I’ve realized that for my own sanity writing is a priority too. So keep writing. It’s good for the soul and mind. Plus, you are helping others. Thank you.

    • April says:

      I have a lot of mental questions but when I feel myself sliding down the slippery slope of depression I’m aware of it. If I could somehow have an interruption in my thoughts maybe I can stop it. Since I’m a visual learner, I’m hoping 3 x 5 cards help.

  5. Your strong enough to look within, that is the biggest stumbling block. And in that one single motion, you are being loving to yourself. Follow that path, it has gardens and flowers…even the odd weed or two 😀 Just pull them out, see your good work, and move down your path, a little stronger, more loving, and understanding of who you are 😀
    It took me 50 years to get where I am, and the bloody weeds keep popping up anyway…but that is ok too. Just go with the flow April, there are many roses along it, and weeds too. But both are given with great love. Enjoy them all, they are the creation of that love within 😀

    • April says:

      I wish I had learned to follow this path and recognize the weeds for what they are and move along. One thing I’m trying to “forgive” myself for is that I didn’t start believing in myself in my 20s. Life may have been easier but I think I’ve learned more about myself than I would have otherwise.

      • It is deliberate that you cannot ‘see’ the forest for the tree’s April. It is only after you have been through so much hardship that you truly will appreciate what you have endured. If the answers to life were just given to you, you would forget them very quickly.
        Like my example of someone constantly giving you money. You would spend it freely knowing it is always there. But if you have to work for that money, then you give much thought to what you are spending it on, you are more careful in how you use it…you appreciate what it took to get that money and treat it accordingly.
        See what you have endured all your life now…how much work you have put into your journey…I bet you will never forget it in a hurry…and that is the whole point, you will love yourself so much more because it has taken finding yourself within that journey to achieve that self love.
        The entire point of our journey, is to love you, find the love that we have blocked in our fears, see them for what they are, understand them, and in doing so, find that beauty within.
        No, it isn’t easy, but it will give you the love that we seek all our lives…self love! 😀
        Have a beautiful year April, it IS pointing you exactly where you need to go…within…and a love that when you finally see it, will attest to you that it WAS so very worth this journey ❤

        • April says:

          I have some new boots for trekking! 😀

          • That is the spirit April, see the path and face it. If you let God know that you wish to be that love, He will help each and every step you take. It is His law. Its like gravity, regardless of what you do, gravity is always a part of your life. Attraction is the same. If you put it out there that you wish to face your journey, you will attract exactly what you need to go through it and understand it.
            And on your part, to decide that choice takes great strength and wisdom my friend, well done. Enjoy the journey 😀 ❤

  6. joey says:

    Good luck with the cards. I think it’s great that you’re so thoughtful about your triggers and that you’ve come up with such a system 🙂

    • April says:

      I’m shooting to reach 100 and I certainly don’t want to live the next 50 years the same as the first 50. 🙂 I’ll try anything except the scary things suggested by my pill pusher.

  7. reocochran says:

    You have figured out a system that will be new and often, new stuff pulls us through more than old stuff!! hugs xo

Comments are closed.