This could be repetitive….just letting you know
As I’ve stated before, anxiety seems more logical—personally. I ask myself a set of questions and concentrate on the answers. It helps tame most of my anxiety but it really is a daily ordeal to keep myself in check. I have been identifying each trigger and using my lessons from cognitive behavior therapy to make some sense of why I’m causing myself pain.
Depression isn’t logical to me. It’s like a huge bully that infiltrates my mind sending me into an abyss. It was easy to hide my depression pre-marriage and pre-kids. I used to keep to myself as I went about my day. I was nasty to people who dared to talk to me on a personal level, therefore pushing all potential relationships away, including close relationships with my family. I mechanically did what I had to while looking forward to returning to bed at night. Way back in the recesses of my mind I knew that rent had to be paid and I needed food to survive.
Sharing my personal universe in a very close manner makes it rather difficult to hide depression. When someone invades my universe, it makes me mad….which turns to self directed anger. How I helped raise three wonderful adults is a mystery to me. I’m even a bit baffled how someone found a way to look behind my mask and love me anyway.
Since I learned to separate grief over the losses and major life-altering changes I’ve experienced, from true depression, I feel I’m on the right path. There is a root to grief but I haven’t been able to find the root of depression.
So, I’ve been paying more attention….but apparently, not enough.
Depression creeps up on me when I have my back turned and I don’t know where it comes from. However, with the handful of pills and therapy I’m getting better at identifying what I need to let go. One being self-hate. However, I’m human and I get a little lax and I slip into bad habits.
I have decided to get a stack of 3 x 5 cards and write a series of questions. Oh, I’ve memorized many questions I ask myself when I feel anxiety torturing me but I haven’t been able to translate any of those questions, which are very much the same, while trying to find a trigger for depression.
Pills and therapy were not the answers to end all answers for me. I have had to put more personal work into healing my mind than anything I have ever done in my life. I’m aware that I will more than likely never be cured, but I can manage to have a better life.
Again, if you made it to the end of this long post…..Yay! I’ll let you know if my 3 x 5 theory works. 😀