Just revisiting an old subject…..feel free to skim. 😀 I’m mainly doing this for a record because I always forget. I wish I had started a medication/depression/anxiety journal years and years ago. Maybe I would have been correctly diagnosed and might not have suffered all these years. Maybe I would have received the right type of psychiatric therapy sooner. Meh, life is what it is.
First of all, I am very thankful for the medications I have been prescribed. I needed them and they have been a lifesaver. I know that there have been times I have expected to feel all happy-go-lucky once I started medications, or a new one, but I recognize that is a fantasy.
The Prozac tames my obsessive thoughts. The Lamictal stabilizes my mood so that I don’t swing too high or too low. The Buspar helps me control my anxiety enough that I can walk my way through most of my fears. The Xanax controls my anxiety when it is out of control. The Wellbutrin? Well, it’s supposed to help me focus and apparently adjusts other chemicals in my brain that may be lacking. It’s supposed to help me get motivated.
So….I whined to my pill pusher and he suggested other forms of therapy that I have blogged about. I just can’t find joy. A zest for life. Other than the too scary for me types of treatments, he decided to increase my Wellbutrin.
Wellbutrin has been the bane of my existence on medication. It makes my body jerk, my heart beats irregularly, my hands are really shaky, and I become extremely stupid! Forgetful. Can’t remember from one moment to the next…which has created overdosing and underdosing. I have alarms set and my pills divvied up according to the time of day I’m supposed to take them, but I don’t know what day it is. Time passes and I am shocked at what I lost. If I didn’t write, I wouldn’t believe time had passed.
Did the recent increase of Wellbutrin help? That would be a big, fat no. It didn’t take long to convince my doctor to return to the original dose. So why do I take it in the first place? Oh yeah, to focus and motivate myself to take care of business—such as life.
Every time I open a bottle that smells like chemicals I’m saddened. So I look to the outside, I watch the leaves dance around in the wind. At this time of year I look at the patterns of the branches, the squirrels, the neighbor’s stinking dog that barks all the time.
I look to the inside. The feel of my cat’s heads. The smell of a candle. How my husband can fall asleep in less than a minute. Things that distract me from focusing on the feeling of not being quite right in the head.
I’m trying to look to the inside of my mind. If I could only focus harder on the beauty that surrounds me, maybe I will be happy. Maybe I’m not giving myself a break. I do find joy, beauty, and happiness, it’s just not a daily experience. I’m expecting to feel good or happy 100% of the time. Is that realistic? Is that too much to ask for?
It’s amazing what the mind is capable of. If allowed, it can tear you to pieces and bring you down. Why isn’t it easy to build yourself up? Is it as simple as teaching the brain to replace negative thoughts with positive ones? Why is that exercise so hard? Why does it take so long?
I must take the medication to see the beauty on the outside, the inside, and the workings of my mind. I’m okay with that, but I’m so stinking impatient!