Medication Resignation

Just revisiting an old subject…..feel free to skim. ๐Ÿ˜€ I’m mainly doing this for a record because I always forget. I wish I had started a medication/depression/anxiety journal years and years ago. Maybe I would have been correctly diagnosed and might not have suffered all these years. Maybe I would have received the right type of psychiatric therapy sooner. Meh, life is what it is.

First of all, I am very thankful for the medications I have been prescribed. I needed them and they have been a lifesaver. I know that there have been times I have expected to feel all happy-go-lucky once I started medications, or a new one, but I recognize that is a fantasy.

The Prozac tames my obsessive thoughts. The Lamictal stabilizes my mood so that I don’t swing too high or too low. The Buspar helps me control my anxiety enough that I can walk my way through most of my fears. The Xanax controls my anxiety when it is out of control. The Wellbutrin? Well, it’s supposed to help me focus and apparently adjusts other chemicals in my brain that may be lacking. It’sย supposedย to help me get motivated.

So….I whined to my pill pusher and he suggested other forms of therapy that I have blogged about. I just can’t find joy. A zest for life. Other than theย too scary for meย types of treatments, he decided to increase my Wellbutrin.

Wellbutrin has been the bane of my existence on medication. It makes my body jerk, my heart beats irregularly, my hands are really shaky, and I become extremely stupid! Forgetful. Can’t remember from one moment to the next…which has created overdosing and underdosing. I have alarms set and my pills divvied up according to the time of day I’m supposed to take them, but I don’t know what day it is. Time passes and I am shocked at what I lost. If I didn’t write, I wouldn’t believe time had passed.

Did the recent increase of Wellbutrin help? That would be a big, fat no. It didn’t take long to convince my doctor to return to the original dose. So why do I take it in the first place? Oh yeah, to focus and motivate myself to take care of business—such as life.

Every time I open a bottle that smells like chemicals I’m saddened. So I look to the outside, I watch the leaves dance around in the wind. At this time of year I look at the patterns of the branches, the squirrels, the neighbor’s stinking dog that barks all the time.

I look to the inside. The feel of my cat’s heads. The smell of a candle. How my husband can fall asleep in less than a minute. Things that distract me from focusing on the feeling of not being quite right in the head.

I’m trying to look to the inside of my mind. If I could only focus harder on the beauty that surrounds me, maybe I will be happy. Maybe I’m not giving myself a break. I do find joy, beauty, and happiness, it’s just not a daily experience. I’m expecting to feel good or happy 100% of the time. Is that realistic? Is that too much to ask for?

It’s amazing what the mind is capable of. If allowed, it can tear you to pieces and bring you down. Why isn’t it easy to build yourself up? Is it as simple asย teaching the brain to replace negative thoughts with positive ones? Why is that exercise so hard? Why does it take so long?

Resignation.

I must take the medication to see the beauty on the outside, the inside, and the workings of my mind. I’m okay with that, but I’m so stinking impatient!

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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25 Responses to Medication Resignation

  1. aviets says:

    I get it. And I love how you keep plugging away. That’s the best thing you can do.

  2. I get it, too. I felt further depressed the other day when I started reflecting back on 2016 and saw such a lack of overall joy — and worse, something else is now missing, HOPE. There are glimmers but the election and other recent personal circumstances have left me more dismal than ever before. I’m looking at other avenues for treatment, while continuing with the mediocre med regimen for now. Have you ever done neurofeedback or EMDR? I’ve never had either of these but have researched a bit and am considering a more integrative practitioner (if I can find one.) I’m reading a book that’s rather intriguing — The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD. It’s been on my to-read list for a while now. I’m always inspired by your tenacity and how you keep plugging along even when it’s terribly difficult. You deserve to feel better.

    • April says:

      You deserve to feel better as well. Thanks for some new questions to ask my doctor and a new book to read. I will check them out. I’m with you on the hope. I read an article about how therapists are seeing a huge increase of anxiety about the course of our country. The only thing I’m thankful for is that I know I’m not alone.

  3. smilecalm says:

    wishing success on those
    helpful meds, April!
    Remember to get
    your prescription
    of 3 hugs per day
    from loved ones & friends ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. joey says:

    Just wishing you brighter days. I’m glad you find your silver linings and count your blessings. ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. Glynis Jolly says:

    April, because I also take an antidepressant, I got curious about the Wellbutrin and looked it up at WebMD. You may want to talk to you doctor about switching that one because of the side effects you mentioned. (http://www.webmd.com/drugs/2/drug-13509/wellbutrin-oral/details#side-effects)

  6. Bradley says:

    I appreciate my better living through chemistry. Sure I don’t like taking seven pills a day, but it’s better than going back to where I was. It’s good you see that too. Hoping things improve for you.

  7. Its like a lake April…you can look at its beauty, smell its beauty and even hear those lovely sounds of waves all around…but it isn’t until you step into the water that all your senses come together to show its true beauty.
    Your fears are those things that hold you back from the water…but like all things in life, don’t try to jump in head first…you’ll balk and just keep building your fears. Just put your toe in first…test it…and slowly go a little deeper and deeper, until your senses can really feel the life all around you.
    Now this is important, only bits at a time, and most certainly do not belittle yourself for those ‘bits’, they are your lifeline to come back into the world and finally remember the love within you.
    Do it lovingly, slowly and get used to just being you…and you’ll be wading before you know it ๐Ÿ˜€

    • April says:

      I like that…..getting used to it just being me. Perhaps my missing puzzle piece?

      • Most certainly April. All around us ‘expect’ us to be this or that, but it isn’t until you come back into yourself and begin by being loving to yourself, removing the low self belief, that it all begins to change. And as we face and understand our fears, it becomes easier and easier.
        It takes time so don’t try to rush it, or you will have a setback and think its impossible. The setbacks are important, as they show you how far you have come and most certainly give you a huge appreciation of just how much you ‘have’ done for yourself on this journey ‘down here’ ๐Ÿ˜€
        You cannot ‘know’ happiness, unless you ‘know’ sadness…how else can we see our journey, if not by seeing the extremes between those things. That is how we find balance, by understanding those things in our fears. Find them and they will set you free ๐Ÿ™‚
        You’ll be surfing with the pro’s and not even realise your doing it ๐Ÿ˜€

        • April says:

          Ugh, I just wish I didn’t need so much sadness in order to see the happiness. I have been pushing myself a little harder lately, and have been set back, falling into old habits. I may have been set back but it isn’t going to stop me from continuing to try.

          • Good girl. It will test you, and sometimes very strongly…but that is only because it is trying to get you to ‘see’ exactly what your pain within is. I fought my rejection from my dad for 45 years…obstinate person I am.
            But that has great purpose, by avoiding it I built my fear bigger and bigger, until one day, everything came together all at once…people rejecting me all over the place…which forced me to truly look into my heart and ‘see’ why I was avoiding it. I burst into tears when the truth (and we hide it even from ourselves), popped into my mind, and for the first time since childhood…I saw it for what it was.
            I had locked in that if anyone treated me a certain way, that they didn’t love me, just like I thought that of my dad. It was a very painful journey, but in seeing it for what it was, I was finally able to come to terms with it and release it…and it is like dropping a skyscraper off your back it is that profound.
            A long journey April, but it is meant to be so that you can finally see and appreciate all that you have been through.
            You can do it, just take your time as you look within and try to understand ‘why’ you react to certain things in your life. It is within there that your truth will be found ๐Ÿ™‚

            • April says:

              I have learned to let go of some things I hung onto from the way I interpreted them as a kid. They no longer served a purpose and it was easy to let them go. I keep discovering more and more.

              • There will be many things, but you will find that they are joined in some way. As in you don’t like someone because they treat you a certain way…slowly you will ‘see’ that treatment from different circumstances, and they will all give you that ‘feeling’ within.
                Understand that, and you have reached a very large milestone within your life. You will begin to understand that it is in fact you, not the people that are treating you a certain way. And that is very difficult to ‘see’, because it hurts we just don’t want to go there. But when you gain strength within, you will begin to look, and try to understand what is driving those fears.
                And one day, you too will have that aha moment, and ‘see’ that truth for the first time…it is after that, that it really begins to be let go, you open for the first time, and you are free, truly really free. And it is a magic like no other. It is that self love that is always spoken of. Because at last, you realise the bars that you had wrapped around yourself in protection are finally gone, and like a butterfly, you just let go of everything, glide all around, and enjoy life to its full, instead of forever being ‘on guard’.
                Don’t put any expectations on yourself, just live, but now with the knowledge that you can ‘see’ within yourself and try to understand the ‘why’ you react as you do. Forget who triggers it, it is in ‘seeing’ your ‘why’ that the answer is.
                Just relax and be aware of your journey, and no pressure on yourself. Life will gift you with what you need to see, because you have now told it you are more aware, and it will gift you those answers because you wish to go there instead of hiding. Some will be difficult, but it is needed to find you….that love that we spend our whole lives seeking. Trust it! โค

                • April says:

                  Expectations I place on myself have been the hardest to work with. I have had snippets of aha moments, I will continue to have more. ๐Ÿ˜€

              • In the meantime, enjoy your Christmas April, you deserve it, it’s been a big year ๐Ÿ˜€ โค

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