Not Disappointed

I could say I made it to the store and back without incident and the only person who would know I lied would be my husband….if he is still reading my blog. However, I didn’t make it to the store.

I made the initial steps to get to the there. I dressed better than I normally do, I put on makeup and curled my hair. I even had my socks and shoes on. I was ready to go. Some of the baby steps toward my goal.

So what went wrong?

I had a little fiasco about an item I had to be home to sign for….that didn’t show up, and another fiasco with our credit card company. I could bore you with the details but I will just get worked up again.

After dealing with these issues and working myself into a tizzy, I wasn’t about to go to the store at 4pm.

I’m constantly amazed or confused by how my brain processes information, however, yesterday I had myself at the peak of frustration and anger.

On another note….

It dawned on me that my latest burst of energy and the feeling of depression lifting was due to the increase of one of my medications. I also remembered Dr. Quacky Pants telling me he wasn’t too sure of this new approach because it may make me a little high strung.

Well, I’m a little more than high strung.

A call to Dr. Quacky Pants only made me scratch my head. His recommendation was to take the extra dose on the days I start to feel down. This medication takes weeks to have any impact on mood. What would taking an extra dose for one day accomplish?

Now I have a conundrum….the increase of medication helped my depression tremendously, but the increase has left me with side effects which are a little hard to control when compiled with an anxiety disorder.

What’s worse? Anxiety, with the physical feelings that accompany it? Or depression?

Is high strung April better than depressed April? Which April can I live with? Which April can my family live with?

All I know is that I will try to go to the store again today.





About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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40 Responses to Not Disappointed

  1. meANXIETYme says:

    The medication dance…it’s amazing how the human body deals with it.

    I wish you lots of luck at the store today. I hope it goes easily!

  2. I ponder that question regularly. I have had a lot of success with exposure therapy (another story for another day) but I need a refresher therapy session because lately horrible anxiety that traps me in my home ultimately leaves me depressed — mine’s a cycle.
    I applaud you for how much work you’re doing. People who are unfamiliar with anxiety/depression have no idea how much work it takes just to exist. All the best as you venture out today. Keep trying. You’ll get there. 😄

    • April says:

      I have been isolating myself as well. I usually do okay when I have my babysitter with me but on my own it’s a little daunting.

  3. mewhoami says:

    It would be so nice if they could make medications that don’t come with a list of side effects. It’s a hard choice to make sometimes. A medication I’m supposed to be on for a rather severe autoimmune disease I have causes so many side effects that I chose not to take it anymore. It’s a bit like playing Russian roulette now, but I rather have only one illness instead of five. So, hopefully you will find what works best for you too. I think I’d rather be high strung than depressed though. And good luck with the store today!

  4. angyjenks says:

    It’s gonna get better.. I remember fifteen years ago.. I couldn’t drive at night because of the panic attacks but especially at night.. and early morning until I was force to take a medical leave.. I started therapy all different kinds but f meds and therapy helped but one day she said Angela your gonna have to make yourself do it or you never will.. I tried and failed but I guess about two weeks later.. I got read for 3rd shift.. I prayed all the way but I made it.. you can do on your time.. stay strong..

  5. Elouise says:

    April, Your last line is wonderful–whether you made it to the store today or not! What I see is fierce determination to be true to yourself and your values. No matter what each day throws up into the air for you to catch or clean up off the ground. Rooting for you–as always! 🙂 And telling myself yet again, If April can do what she has to do, I can surely do what I have to do! The unknown, multiple effects of meds are one of my greatest angsts. The other would be doctors who promise the moon and can’t deliver help on the ground where I live every day.

    • April says:

      Thank you! I made it to the store! The anxiety before is always the worst. I have to keep reminding myself. The next hurdle to get over is shopping for Thanksgiving dinner. I bought all the non-perishables today. I’m not going to think about it until I have to go next week.

  6. Just the April that we know and love, the one that we all accept just as she is.
    Enjoy the store trip April, whether you arrive is irrelevant, it is the journey that counts, and you ARE putting in the effort to find you. That has more blessings than you know 🙂

    • April says:

      I can’t say I enjoyed the trip because I really don’t like grocery shopping….but we need food. I had to sit in the car and gather myself but I was successful, that’s all that counts.

      • You dared you. That my friend is a triumph in itself. I’m forever balking at doing things so you aren’t on your own in that way. In fact most people have things that they are quite hesitant about. You challenged yourself, and each time you come away a winner because of that, regardless if you get to what you want to do. It is in that challenge that we build that heart within.
        And in your case April, I can hear it beating from here…be proud of that. You are doing what many would never dare 🙂

        • April says:

          My therapist always told me that I was determined. Yes, I am. I was sooooo tired of living the way I was, I would try anything she suggested….except I’m still dragging my feet about the exercising.

          • Actually April, the exercising is the best thing, simply because you are balancing your body by the exercise.
            I do way too much coding stuck in front of a computer and it has been throwing my body out of whack for ages. I now exercise for 20m min in the morning (exercise bike, that way I can’t get out of it if it’s raining 😀 ), a walk for 30 min around the middle of the day, and another 20 min burst 30 min before my evening meal.
            I’ve never felt better…I can actually feel the difference in my body and I find even my tolerance for so many things has improved out of sight.
            Worth its weight in gold 😀

  7. I think there is a bit of ‘regular’ reaction going there. I can TOTALLY relate to having a plan and then because of other’s impact on my plan, my plan is changed. I don’t mind adjusting when I have to. But sometimes, plan changers are just a pain in the butt!

  8. joey says:

    Oh bless. Better luck next time.

  9. TheNutFactory says:

    “Dr. Quacky Pants” love this, makes me laugh 🙂 Dont worry about not making it to the store if it wasn’t the right day for you. You can try again another time. Looking forward to hearing how you go. I’m sure it will be fine. You can do it

  10. Glynis Jolly says:

    Maybe you just need so cognitive tools to help with that high-strung effect. For instance, I know you don’t want to give up your coffee. I, of all people, understand that completely. How about adding a flavored creamer to it to dull the effect slightly? That’s what I’ve done. It still gives me that caffeine energy I crave, but it doesn’t undo what my med. is doing for me.

    • April says:

      When I realized that it was the medication making me “over react”, I can now remind myself that it’s only the medication. If it doesn’t go away in a couple of weeks, then I know it isn’t temporary and time to try something else.

  11. smilecalm says:

    now wasn’t it
    kinda fun
    seeing all that
    colorful abundance
    awaiting inside? 🙂

  12. Gallivanta says:

    I have been hiding from the shops for weeks. But today I have to go; outa food. Well, almost.

  13. reocochran says:

    April, sorry I got behind in reading blogs. . . Mandatory 50 hour work weeks were draining my energy. Hope you got to the store and are feeling a little bit better, (or lots better!)
    I am not sure how I would feel about a “depressed Robin.” I am not medically or diagnosed “anxious,” but I definitely am a “worrywart.” I do this so much that my family tell me to calm down often, please stop worrying! I also could be considered “hyper” about trouble and other circumstances which cause nervousness. Not helpful to you or maybe doesn’t sound like I deal with much but I do get overwhelmed. hugs to you, dear!

    • April says:

      I’m so far behind reading blogs as well. I have to really work to control my worrying and I’m much better than I used to be. While it still ‘paralyzes’ me so that I can’t do certain things, I’m having fewer of those moments.

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