A New Therapy?

Dr. Quacky-Pants-Pill-Pusher had to adjust my meds…..again. I interrogated questioned him about the specifics of all the pills I’m on.

He gave me an odd look when I said I wanted to understand depression. I think I understand anxiety—well most of it, but I can’t understand why I can’t be like my husband. Is it really a simple case of a screwed up chemical imbalance in my brain?

I know I’ve always been this way because I would manage depression by being an ass, and performing spontaneous actions…like on the spot major life decisions. I sabotaged just about every relationship–friends/family, drank too many adult beverages, didn’t sleep much, shut people out, chose the wrong type of people to hang out with…..

The last visit, he gave me some options for other therapies. One was Ketamine, the other was transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS). Both bizarre to me. With the Ketamine, I don’t want to take any chance that I could hallucinate. Maybe it works for some, but it’s not for me. The transcranial magnetic stimulation is a metal coil placed near the head and an electric current is zapped into parts of the brain. He said that he had a 50-50 chance of success with this treatment.

Um…..no. That would create anxiety times infinity.

A 50-50 chance of success? Since every individual will react differently to various therapies, who knows how I would react?

I just can’t completely shake depression. It’s there and then it’s really there. I just have to get to an even level to concentrate on mindful self-care. You know, like a healthy diet and exercise? I just need the motivation to do those things. When getting out of bed and taking a shower is an effort, exercising is not on the top of my daily to-do list.

Now I have a new anxiety. What are these medications doing to my innards? My liver? My kidneys? How long can I take them without some form of damage? Do the experts know?

I’m finding my anxiety a little humorous this time. If I am anxious about my physical health, then why am I not sticking to a healthy diet and exercise?

Oh, such confusion going on in the logical part of my brain.


About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
This entry was posted in Anxeity and Depression, Depression and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

29 Responses to A New Therapy?

  1. Sending you some supportive Hugs April.. At least April you are looking at this illness logically.. And depression is an illness.
    you said ” I just have to get to an even level to concentrate on mindful self-care.” Sooooo true
    With my own depression ( which was by no means the same as yours ) I had to throw my pills away.. ( not good without medical advice ) or support..
    It was a long road, but you are stepping in the right direction..
    love and Hugs your way xx Sue xx

  2. aviets says:

    That’s a lot of decisions to be making, and a lot of things to try and manage. Good for you for thinking through it all instead of just living in denial. I’m rooting for you!

    • April says:

      Thanks. The last week was a really tough one but I managed to survive. Maybe it’s the new pills beginning to help? Let’s just say that last week I wanted to give up and disappear, this week I want to fight but don’t know how. I recognize that times of high anxiety brings on depression….so now….how do I control that which I cannot? How do I just move through it and accept things without spinning into a deep depression? Life is tough and I don’t want to be so depressed I can’t maneuver through it.

  3. Redneck Lena says:

    Oh that darn depression and anxiety! It shouldn’t be so complicated! Hang in there and let’s hope more studies and cures are out there, and better than 50/50!

  4. joey says:

    You know your brain chemistry can be tested like everything else, yeah? Just like your liver enzymes or your hemoglobin. You can be sub-par mentally, too, measurably. Depression can be just that for some. Not enough of X component. Need X component. Maybe your husband is all good on X component, but you’re not. Maybe instead, you’re better looking and smarter?
    hugs It’s a long, dark, journey, but you’re a light to many, even when you can’t see it. 🙂

    • April says:

      No, I didn’t know my brain chemistry could be tested. The first thing I have ever been tested for is my thyroid levels. I have been given the option for a ct head scan but I’m tired of scans and it freaks me out having more radiation. I also went through a four-hour long assessment of my mental capabilities…..unfortunately, I was pretty depressed at the time. Cognitive tests were very poor. I think I need to be asking Dr. Quacky pants some more questions. Or…..wait until our new insurance kicks in and I can find a new doctor on our “approved” list.

  5. Bradley says:

    Glad you made it through last week. I’ve never heard of either of the treatments he’s suggested. Sounds like quackery to me.

  6. Anxiety frustrating to live with. I have ‘spells’ of panic when I leave the house. The panic is paralyzing. Today I went out and was actually able to walk but I noticed how out of shape I was
    because I’ve avoided going out.

    I wish there were a medication that made it go away completely but there isn’t. So I try to love ‘around’ the anxiety. Thank you for your post.

  7. I so admire your tenacity against depression. So amazed by your writings.

    I have long believed that physical activity is a treatment for depression. I have never been diagnosed with depression, it runs heavily in my family, and I believe the physical activity is what helps keep it at bay for me. There are times I feel it, and know it’s there, but the more active I am, the better I feel. Years ago I read that 3 hours of physical activity a week can have the same impact as anti depressants. I have no idea if that is true, but I read it and read more about it. I’ve convinced myself it is true. At least for me. But these things never do work across the board, as the same for everyone.

    • April says:

      I’ve been told, and I have read the benefits of exercise on the mental status. In fact, when my kids were young I would get up in the wee hours to exercise before they got up. It’s how I had the mental energy and stamina to keep one step ahead of them. I quit exercising and I’m having a very hard time getting back into it. I must have a self sabotage kink that is stronger than my desire to feel better.

  8. Don’t feel different April, we all do that, and get ourselves very tangled at the best of times 😀
    Your ‘sensitivity’ is just a little high, and you are in an even better place than us, simply because you are learning how to handle that sensitivity.
    Put us into that type of sensitivity, and we would be like you, a very long time ago when you first began to deal with it, and struggling.
    If you look back at those times you will see that you cope with them much stronger these days because of what you have experienced already, and in doing so you can actually help others, just on here or in day to day settings, because of that 🙂
    Take a bow, that is quite an achievement 🙂

  9. Glynis Jolly says:

    The word, depression, is a relative and subjective term for me. I smile even when sad because I’m facing a stranger in a store and I was taught to smile at everyone if at all possible, especially on the first meet. My basic personality is serious. I don’t laugh easily. I don’t think I’ve ever been bubbly. Does this mean I’m depressed?

    I’m an individual with my own unique ways and quirks. None of it means I’m depressed though. I’m just me.

    • April says:

      I smile when depressed, I even make jokes just to get through what I’m feeling inside. But there is a deeper side of depression for me, personally. It’s larger than laughing or smiling….if that makes any sense. It’s a feeling of extreme hopelessness and worthlessness.

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