At times I wonder if I’m alone in this world.
Not lonely, alone.
I live with a fair amount of anxiety each day. However, I’ve been slowly teaching myself to look for the source, figure out what I can control, and let the bossy part of my mind kick the anxious part of my mind in the butt.
It’s becoming easier to tell myself to just take the shower, get in the car, and go. Just do it!
All the little what-ifs wear me down but managing them are becoming more, well….manageable. At least I’m not obsessing.
Until the biggie comes. That which I have no control over and it looms over my head, mocking me. I do what I can control….just like everyone else. But my mind goes to places that everyone else’s mind doesn’t go.
Actually, I recognize there are people who are unwitting participants in the group of clinically diagnosed anxiety sufferers, so logically, I know that I’m not alone. I’m not an alien.
All that anxiety……
Then crash. The worst possible outcome actually does happen.
What happens now?
I feel like a snail without a shell. Slithering my way to nowhere in particular. Breathing in, breathing out. Leaving a trail of despair. There is no extra energy to pull upon to deal with the the HUGE trigger.
I secretly cry.
I feel vulnerable.
I feel alone.