Anxiety at the Center of my Universe

At times I wonder if I’m alone in this world.

Not lonely, alone.

I live with a fair amount of anxiety each day. However, I’ve been slowly teaching myself to look for the source, figure out what I can control, and let the bossy part of my mind kick the anxious part of my mind in the butt.

It’s becoming easier to tell myself to just take the shower, get in the car, and go. Just do it!

All the little what-ifs wear me down but managing them are becoming more, well….manageable. At least I’m not obsessing.

Until the biggie comes. That which I have no control over and it looms over my head, mocking me. I do what I can control….just like everyone else. But my mind goes to places that everyone else’s mind doesn’t go.

Actually, I recognize there are people who are unwitting participants in the group of clinically diagnosed anxiety sufferers, so logically, I know that I’m not alone. I’m not an alien.

All that anxiety……

Then crash. The worst possible outcome actually does happen.

What happens now?

I feel like a snail without a shell. Slithering my way to nowhere in particular. Breathing in, breathing out. Leaving a trail of despair. There is no extra energy to pull upon to deal with the the HUGE trigger.

I secretly cry.

I feel vulnerable.

I feel alone.

 

 

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
This entry was posted in Anxeity and Depression and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

36 Responses to Anxiety at the Center of my Universe

  1. So brave of you to share that here April. Hugs. ❤
    Diana xo

    • April says:

      Thanks, Diana 🙂 I’m trying to release some of the feelings of….well, I’m not sure. I just needed to get it out of my head.

  2. meANXIETYme says:

    Yes. I know. I understand. If you need to talk, please contact me.
    HUGS

  3. joey says:

    Never alone, but I know it feels that way, I totally understand. Anxiety is exhausting.

  4. aviets says:

    I’m so sorry, April. I’m guessing the trigger is the election? If so i truly sympathize. I’m deep in the grieving process. Crying at odd times. Physically sick. This is the first time since Tuesday I’ve looked at blogs – have isolated myself from all news and FB. My family, close friends, and good music are the only things keeping me from drowning right now. You’re not alone, and we are not just overreacting. This is legitimately a tragedy and a crisis for our nation. I have so much more to say, but will end with sending hugs.

  5. Just look at how you are winning over the ‘other’ things in your life Amy. Just because it seems to be bigger, it only has the power we give it. You have removed the power over the others, and done it brilliantly.
    Now take its power away, deal with it exactly the same as the others, and watch it diminish 🙂
    Take a shovel to it, and watch it shrink…you’ll have a complete new garden bed to grow more beauty in before you know it 🙂

    • April says:

      Thank you! I let it move through and am now on the healing stage. I just had to get off my mind how exhausting it is to have a major panic/anxiety experience. The aftermath leaves me a weak. But I’m getting back up.

      • That is great April, each time building a stronger you. You will even surprise yourself when you look back at what used to affect you, but no longer comes up on your radar.
        Signs to you of your worth and confidence in what you are becoming, well done.
        It is not an easy journey, but it is most certainly creating a beauty within of what you are becoming from what you have endured…that love and happiness that we all seek 😀

  6. Elouise says:

    Sometimes we don’t know what to feel or say or do. Thanks for this window into your life. It’s true–You’re not alone.
    Elouise 💜

  7. Gallivanta says:

    April, I am also wondering if the trigger is the election. If so, you are not alone in the wider world context. I have spent every day since the election in a complete funk. My daughter in Australia cried for 12 hours. We aren’t Americans and have no real reason to be like this but there you have it. If, however, you live in an area which is of a different political view then your despair/your alone-ness must be enormous. I am sorry. Be of good courage. We will face this together. Just don’t ask me how at the moment.

    • April says:

      Oh my gosh! I didn’t know our election would have such an immediate reaction from the world. I mean I knew that eventually, he will tweet something or say something rude but I am hoping he keeps that for us Americans. I will find a way to get through it.

  8. Glynis Jolly says:

    Hi buddy, my friend. I’m going through a little bit of this myself these days. The wait-and-see game is a huge challenge with all of its what ifs, both good and bad. When the waiting is over, no matter what the circumstances, I will feel relief, even if there’s great sadness and disappointment. I’ll be able to let go of all the anxiety, if only for a short time.

    Can you get go?

    • April says:

      I didn’t think I would be able to let it go but I feel much better this morning. There is only so much I can do, and until I figure out what that is I will strive to quit fearing the fear.

  9. smilecalm says:

    may storm’s clouds
    break open to reveal
    sun’s brightness,
    one calm breath
    at a time 🙂

  10. reocochran says:

    I have been sad about the election but also have cried daily about the loss of my six month relationship. How corny and embarrassing!
    Somehow the man I shared so much time and energy with, as well as showing him caring. I felt compassionate and loving towards him and he now is emotionally moving away, distancing himself due to my telling some coworkers we were dating. He felt it should remain private and has been displaying anxiety more. I had hoped love would conquer some of this, being proud of having him in my life. . . Hoping your hurts, pains and stress will ease up, April. Big hugs xo

  11. TheNutFactory says:

    I’d tell you your not alone because it’s true, you’re not alone in these feelings. However I know telling you that wont make one iota of difference as someone told me the same thing just the other day and it didn’t change the way I was feeling at the time. It didn’t change my situation. All I can say is hang on and dont let go. We can get through this even though its hard sometimes.

  12. You are not an alien. ❤

  13. Rivenrod says:

    No, not alien but alienised, I think.

  14. Big hugs April. So much of the time we can feel alone and adrift even though our heads tell us we aren’t. I hope you are feeling better, I know I’m a bit behind on reading.
    Remember there are always people out here that know exactly how you feel and are here for you. Just continue to take care of yourself.

    • April says:

      You too. I’m way behind in reading as well. When you don’t feel like doing anything, reading is one of those things that fall by the way.

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