A strange feeling occurs when depression lifts. I think I have lived with depression and more grief than I could handle in such a narrow space of time, I never thought I would make it through the muck. It kind of became a part of how I defined myself. No more. It is something that may happen to me but I am not depression, nor anxiety.
I made that second trip to the city not far from us. I focused on my driving because that’s what one does when they are driving–at least most of us. As I sat down in the waiting room, there was another odd feeling, I wasn’t really nervous/anxious. I sat there and enjoyed the moment. For the first time, in I don’t know how long, I was void of depression and had very low anxiety.
A moment of peace. Talk about something to make me smile, that certainly made me smile—big!
Somewhere along the way, I lost confidence in my abilities. I’m usually not afraid to try anything. Everything is new to us at some point but we will never know what we are capable of if we let fear get in the way. So far, I’m pretty darn good at demolition and cleaning up after. I have also created more work while trying to stretch beyond my perceived abilities, but I have learned from my mistakes.
Some of you know that we are remodeling a house in rural Missouri that my husband inherited from his dad. The house wasn’t in any shape to sell, we have been considering retiring there but haven’t made the final decision. We may just sell the cute little house and move on.
Anyway, that house has created a lot of areas of challenge and I just keep moving forward.
Between going back and forth between that house, hunting season, and my husband’s responsibility for his share of keeping the hunting property maintained, we have been redoing our two story decks. We had a pro come in to make sure the structure was sound but we are going to replace the decking and the rails.
My husband laid a few boards down and told me I was going to screw them into the joists.
Ummm…no way…what if I screw things up? (haha, pun intended) We didn’t go to The Home Depot for our decking, we went to a specialty lumber yard and purchased good decking because we enjoy our deck and wanted it to be the best we could afford.
By the time we reached the top deck, I decided to give driving screws a try. I may have only drove in one screw to my husband’s four but I helped, and he appreciated the time saved.
What did I learn? I have muscles I haven’t used in quite a while.
During a break, I read a quote via Instragram, which I can’t find now—It’s perfectly okay to not be perfect. -unknown to me.
Such a simple concept, isn’t it? You know what? I didn’t have my screws evenly spaced and in a straight line but I can live with that. I kept repeating that phrase to myself because it’s true.
I’m loving this strange feeling of not being depressed so that I can really focus my time on that which makes me anxious. I will not fear depression creeping up behind me because I have survived…and I will again.