I Stand Tall, Even Through Defeat

Well, the second medication taper didn’t work exactly as I planned. I had to resume the original dosage prescribed by my doctor. Even though he questioned my desire to reduce medication, I was determined, and he let me try. It took a while to see if my mood was temporary or if it was here to stay. I know where my breaking point is and depression got the best of me this time.

Am I disappointed? No, I’m just giving my mind a rest. I’m on a quest to see if I can maintain a life imagined, with as little medication as possible. For now, I’ve gotten rid of one of six medications.

After I see Dr. Wonky Pants, I think I’ll work on reducing my crutch, Xanax. It’s my go to medication when I don’t want to deal with real life stressors. I understand that some of my anxiety just happens and I’m not sure where it comes from, but some of it I can manage by being aware of it and letting it move right on by. There isn’t one person who has absolutely no stress/anxiety at some point. I have to learn that my little, normal, anxiety producing stressors are felt by everybody. It’s all in how we look at it and face the fear.

For me, personally, Xanax dulls my senses enough that I don’t really care what is going on around me. I’ve used it to get through funerals, the anxiety of waiting for CT scan results, unknown sources of anxiety, and to simply escape daily life.

It’s about time I stand and face my fears, it’s okay if I have them. Maybe if I’m not depending upon Xanax, I will find the source of those panic periods I don’t understand. My therapist kept telling me that an anxiety/panic attack lasts 20 minutes on average. I have felt if I could only last those 20 minutes, I’ll be home free. But that’s the point, anxiety is keeping me at home. I’m afraid of doing anything at this point, and I have to get rid of the escape pill so that I can work on what is really at the bottom of my fears. Which fears have I created out of fears, and which ones I can honestly deal with.

I’ve been afraid of getting rid of my crutch but I don’t feel that it’s right to have one. The other pills are helping me stave depression and I’m okay with that. I’ve been trying to reduce the wrong medication because I wanted to hang onto my little crutch. I’ve been afraid I will fall apart at the most inopportune times. I need to learn that I have the pill if I need it but I cannot depend on it to escape being uncomfortable.

I know what I have to do. I’m a big girl now and I know I can do it. (pounds fists on chest) I’ve fallen apart many times and guest what? I’m still standing! Tall!

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
This entry was posted in Anxeity and Depression and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to I Stand Tall, Even Through Defeat

  1. meANXIETYme says:

    I am in awe of how strong you are. I understand that it might not always feel that way to you, but I see very clearly how you are battling for your life…for the life you want to LIVE. It’s awesome, April. And I send you lots of light and energy as you move forward with your decisions.

  2. aviets says:

    Awesome! You’re making really practical decisions here. Well done!

  3. Have faith April, you ARE doing very well my friend. It isn’t an easy journey but it will be all the more appreciated because of what it has taken to be what your heart wishes 🙂

  4. Well done you April.. your posts are even sounding so much stronger too.. Have courage, one step at a time, I know how difficult this step is.. Telling yourself inwardly you can do this and getting your head into gear is not easy.. I so know this to be true.. ( I think I told you in the beginning when we first met I had a nervous breakdown in the 90’s ) And was a wreck.. in fact a gibbering wreck.. But I realised I had to reduce meds.. I did it the drastic way ( NOT recommended ) and threw the tablets away… So you are making great strides forward April really you are..

    Love to you and take care of YOU!.. ❤

  5. joey says:

    SO, You’re pretty amazing, huh?
    I’m always wishing you good days. I know I needed my ativan quite a bit for quite a while, and then I just didn’t need it as much anymore. I sometimes go months between taking one, but I always judge myself and then forgive myself, so I understand why you want to be free of your Xanax. But honestly, it’s important to remember that they’re prescribed to you. Very hard to get outside of our heads when we’re anxious. You seem to have a good grip on things, and I’m sure you know what’s best for you 🙂
    Props to your doc for believing in your judgement.

    • April says:

      I used to take Xanax when I really needed it. Now I rely on it and take it daily. I knew better but it helped me escape my thoughts and responsibilities. I was prescribed a medication which has helped me tremendously for anxiety, but I started using Xanax…just because. At least I can see that now. The first step is recognizing it.

  6. Standing so tall I can’t see the sun through you!!!!! 😉

  7. Glynis Jolly says:

    As a person with General Anxiety Disorder, I understand how you feel. I hate the way I act when I go without my med. Yet, I wish I could live with out it. I’m here for you, just an email away. ❤

    • April says:

      I have many medications which are helping, then there is the Xanax that I’m abusing. I’m not using it like I should be. For the times of extreme anxiety, but I just don’t want to feel anything that makes me slightly uncomfortable. I have made such of pile of excuses for taking the Xanax and it’s about time I take more responsibility of my recovery. Thanks ❤

  8. Elouise says:

    Dear April,
    Your thinking is very clear about your little crutch. I applaud your courage to go back to the other med, and also see your logic about wanting to hang onto Xanax ‘just in case.’ These sound like tough decisions to me. What I hear in all of it is your determination to do what’s right for you, and your courage to step out and try something. The thought of dealing with multiple meds terrifies me. Mainly because I saw what they did to my (depressed, overworked, polio-survivor) mother.
    Cheering you on, as always! 🙂
    Elouise

  9. You are a very strong lady and inspirational too. Thanks for sharing your journey.

  10. reocochran says:

    You are standing tall and not acknowledging defeat, April! You can figure this out and I think honesty is your strong suit. You are amazing and warm. You were good out in the boondocks making friends with neighbors in Missouri (I think)!
    The medication parts I am not sure of but you have figured out how long anxiety may last and you are starting to think you can handle facing it, if it is twenty minutes long.
    Sending you hugs and warmth back to you. Thanks for your help, April. ❤ I will continue to try and use patience because I care about this man. 😉 xo

    • April says:

      My mind has processed a lot of thoughts. The best thing I have learned so far is that I’m stronger than I think. Keep being patient with your man, the kindness doesn’t go unnoticed.

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