Well, the second medication taper didn’t work exactly as I planned. I had to resume the original dosage prescribed by my doctor. Even though he questioned my desire to reduce medication, I was determined, and he let me try. It took a while to see if my mood was temporary or if it was here to stay. I know where my breaking point is and depression got the best of me this time.
Am I disappointed? No, I’m just giving my mind a rest. I’m on a quest to see if I can maintain a life imagined, with as little medication as possible. For now, I’ve gotten rid of one of six medications.
After I see Dr. Wonky Pants, I think I’ll work on reducing my crutch, Xanax. It’s my go to medication when I don’t want to deal with real life stressors. I understand that some of my anxiety just happens and I’m not sure where it comes from, but some of it I can manage by being aware of it and letting it move right on by. There isn’t one person who has absolutely no stress/anxiety at some point. I have to learn that my little, normal, anxiety producing stressors are felt by everybody. It’s all in how we look at it and face the fear.
For me, personally, Xanax dulls my senses enough that I don’t really care what is going on around me. I’ve used it to get through funerals, the anxiety of waiting for CT scan results, unknown sources of anxiety, and to simply escape daily life.
It’s about time I stand and face my fears, it’s okay if I have them. Maybe if I’m not depending upon Xanax, I will find the source of those panic periods I don’t understand. My therapist kept telling me that an anxiety/panic attack lasts 20 minutes on average. I have felt if I could only last those 20 minutes, I’ll be home free. But that’s the point, anxiety is keeping me at home. I’m afraid of doing anything at this point, and I have to get rid of the escape pill so that I can work on what is really at the bottom of my fears. Which fears have I created out of fears, and which ones I can honestly deal with.
I’ve been afraid of getting rid of my crutch but I don’t feel that it’s right to have one. The other pills are helping me stave depression and I’m okay with that. I’ve been trying to reduce the wrong medication because I wanted to hang onto my little crutch. I’ve been afraid I will fall apart at the most inopportune times. I need to learn that I have the pill if I need it but I cannot depend on it to escape being uncomfortable.
I know what I have to do. I’m a big girl now and I know I can do it. (pounds fists on chest) I’ve fallen apart many times and guest what? I’m still standing! Tall!