I began this blog six days after my surgery to have a nodule removed with a segment of my left lung. It was cancerous. All the doctors said how lucky I was to have caught it early, however I’ve written about this over the years.
I began by writing about one thing I found beautiful, or was thankful for, to remind myself that in spite of despair, pain, depression, anxiety….there can be one little thing in the midst of it all, that can bring a tiny light.
My 5-year of no new evidence of disease anniversary passed on May 31, but the doctor thought I could go longer for my next CT scan. The scan is this week, results next week.
One thing I have learned through blogging about my experiences, whether anyone read it or not, was who I am. What goes on in my head and how I heal myself. How to be a bit more kind to myself.
Unfortunately, I also learned that I have a type of depression which my wonky doctor hasn’t quite named but it doesn’t really matter. I have ups and downs. The ups aren’t crazy uncontrolled mania, but rather I feel better and more energetic. My downs aren’t fun. Seriously, I can’t imagine anyone thinking a depressive episode as fun. The really scary part is coming out of depression.
For me, I feel wobbly. As if I’m learning how to trust myself and to avoid the anxiety of dipping below my normal again. Like I have to tread lightly. I fear most anything that places me outside my comfort zone.
Scanxiety usually places me into anxiety overdrive and I’m trying hard to keep it at bay because I just went through either a depressive episode, or a brain adjustment to the decrease of one of my medications. Either way, I’m fragile but optimistic. On top of that, I have survived every setback so far, I will make it through whatever comes next.
What did I find beautiful this morning? The sparkle of our little cat’s whiskers when the sun came through the window. A window I actually cleaned recently. 😀