There are times I want to hide from life. You know, take the extra Xanax that will make me sleepy so that I can go to bed and forget about it all. No…I’m not talking about ending it all, simply a vacation from fighting. Some days aren’t as easy as others.
We recently took a trip to rural Missouri to work on that house we inherited and I became overwhelmed. This may have been the trigger for the somewhat lousy time I’ve been experiencing.
While we were there, the neighbors asked us to go out to dinner. Oh. My. That social anxiety kicked in overdrive. It’s not that they are scary people, in fact, they are the neighbors that anyone would love to live near—in this case down the road, around the corner and off yonder. I was afraid I wouldn’t have anything to say. We don’t really know them. On top of that, they are 30 years older than we are and have lived the life of a ruralite versus our suburbanite existence. What could I possibly have to say? Would I say the wrong thing?
Dinner went fine and the conversation was fine as well. I didn’t say anything stupid and I learned the difference between supper and dinner as well as the proper way to say pecan. (I grew up saying pee-can, in Missouri it’s puh-chan)
So, I see the pattern which made tapering off this one medication just a little more difficult. I was sad over losing our dog, I was anxious about the flight to Missouri, I was anxious about all the work that has to be completed for that house to be sold or habitable, I’m anxious about whether we will be able to move to the rural life, or if we would even like it. Then the Wee One–the new vampire in the basement–hit me with another one of his schemes that will undoubtedly cost us money to dig him out of.
I’m just a little battle fatigued dealing with the anxiety. I keep telling myself to live in the moment, but the moment really sucks. So I look forward to the next moment, and it sucks too. So, I look forward to the next moment……
**I usually write these posts and don’t intend to publish them, but then I think there may be one person who can relate, and know they aren’t alone. Things aren’t all doom and gloom.
Let’s see…..what did I find to smile about during all of this?
- Driving my Mini. Oh, how much I love that car
- One of my cats learning that she can lean against me instead of lie on my lap
- Finding that I’ve lost 13 pounds and I don’t crave sugar like I was
- I did find something on television that caught my attention – a preseason Seahawks football game
- Today is better than yesterday
- The view from our Missouri home–looking outside helped me forget all the overwhelming tasks we have to complete on the inside.
- Baby cows
- A yellow butterfly that sat on the sill outside the window as I was washing dishes
- My asthma inhaler (ok, this didn’t really make me smile, I’m just glad I have it)
- The vampire in the basement went back to work and is in school at the same time. Our fingers are crossed that he will finish school sometime soon.
I hope you find something to smile about. They are there, even through the fog of depression. It takes an effort to note them, but the little things add up, don’t they?