A Pile of Anxiety

There are times I want to hide from life. You know, take the extra Xanax that will make me sleepy so that I can go to bed and forget about it all. No…I’m not talking about ending it all, simply a vacation from fighting. Some days aren’t as easy as others.

We recently took a trip to rural Missouri to work on that house we inherited and I became overwhelmed. This may have been the trigger for the somewhat lousy time I’ve been experiencing.

While we were there, the neighbors asked us to go out to dinner. Oh. My. That social anxiety kicked in overdrive. It’s not that they are scary people, in fact, they areΒ the neighbors that anyone would love to live near—in this case down the road, around the corner and off yonder. I was afraid I wouldn’t have anything to say. We don’t really know them. On top of that, they are 30 years older than we are and have lived the life of a ruralite versus our suburbanite existence. What could I possibly have to say? Would I say the wrong thing?

Dinner went fine and the conversation was fine as well. I didn’t say anything stupid and I learned the difference between supper and dinner as well as the proper way to say pecan. (I grew up saying pee-can, in Missouri it’s puh-chan)

So, I see the pattern which made tapering off this one medication just a little more difficult. I was sad over losing our dog, I was anxious about the flight to Missouri, I was anxious about all the work that has to be completed for that house to be sold or habitable, I’m anxious about whether we will be able to move to the rural life, or if we would even like it. Then the Wee One–the new vampire in the basement–hit me with another one of his schemes that will undoubtedly cost us money to dig him out of.

I’m just a little battle fatigued dealing with the anxiety. I keep telling myself to live in the moment, but the moment really sucks. So I look forward to the next moment, and it sucks too. So, I look forward to the next moment……

**I usually write these posts and don’t intend to publish them, but then I think there may be one person who can relate, and know they aren’t alone. Things aren’t all doom and gloom.

Let’s see…..what did I find to smile about during all of this?

  • Driving my Mini. Oh, how much I love that car
  • One of my cats learning that she can lean against me instead of lie on my lap
  • Finding that I’ve lost 13 pounds and I don’t crave sugar like I was
  • I did find something on television that caught my attention – a preseason Seahawks football game
  • Today is better than yesterday
  • The view from our Missouri home–looking outside helped me forget all the overwhelming tasks we have to complete on the inside.
  • Baby cows
  • A yellow butterfly that sat on the sill outside the window as I was washing dishes
  • My asthma inhaler (ok, this didn’t really make me smile, I’m just glad I have it)
  • The vampire in the basement went back to work and is in school at the same time. Our fingers are crossed that he will finish school sometime soon.

I hope you find something to smile about. They are there, even through the fog of depression. It takes an effort to note them, but the little things add up, don’t they?



About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
This entry was posted in Anxeity and Depression and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

44 Responses to A Pile of Anxiety

  1. meANXIETYme says:

    I’m sorry for feeling overwhelmed (I know that feeling so well these days), but I’m pleased for you that you are able to find things that make you smile. I wish you better moments to come.

  2. You’re right. It’s easy to focus on the bigger things we don’t get, or don’t go our way, but by making a point to tally up all the little things that do go right we can combat the overwhelming negativity. ☺

  3. agshap says:

    I think we all feel overwhelmed at one time or another. I try to stop and take time to smell the roses. I also find reading a good book that takes me away from it all – fantasy land – also helps me pick myself up and continue. I am not a people person (face to face) either but slowly I try….

  4. joey says:

    While I don’t understand the depression from a firsthand perspective, I do identify with the anxiety. I definitely relate to being overwhelmed. This week wasn’t a good one for me, but I believe that today is a new day, and there should be plenty of good stuff to make up for it. So that didn’t pan out Tuesday or Wednesday, but Thursday was much better, and then Friday sucked worst of all. Little things up one side and down the other, good and bad.
    Hugs to you.

  5. aviets says:

    I’m glad you could find those smiles in spite of the hard times. I so understand the stress Of the supper out. My husband and his good friend, who lives in our neighborhood, keep trying to set up a night out with us and the friend and his wife. I had to tell him the very thought made me sick to my stomach. They’re very nice people, but an evening of forced conversation and camaraderie is torture. I’ll do it just because it would make him so happy, but dear God I will hate it.

    • April says:

      That’s exactly how I felt, sick to my stomach. I kept trying to tell myself that in the scope of time/life, what is a couple of hours or less. I’ll tell you, I was happy it was over.

  6. Most certainly April, there are lots of things always going on around us, we just seem to be sidetracked by ‘life’ all the time so that we do not notice them. It is the fears that hold our attention so that we WILL face them and move into that love of ourselves.
    And that bloody universe has great patience πŸ˜€ , it is waiting with open arms and a great love for us πŸ™‚
    If this may be of any help, my post on ‘What Causes Anxiety Attacks!’ has a great understanding as it explains the physical and practical side of it, and can help build a way of coping, and finally releasing a modern day scourge as it affects us all in many ways.
    And yes, even the NFL has its place, somewhere to just relax. Even that is a meditation within itself as you just let go and enjoy πŸ™‚

    • April says:

      I have been working with my therapist for quite some time now with my anxiety. Being a smarty pants, I thought I learned all I needed to go it on my own. I wasn’t paying attention and started to focus on the negative instead of the positive. It was a lesson learned.

  7. I related to SO much of this. You have a lot going on. I’ve been writing a lot about circumstances that seem to create extreme anxiety for me and I’ve found it helpful so I hope it will help you as well. My therapist has been encouraging writing about my triggers as I am actively working to get my medication optimized. All the best as you work through it. It’s not easy but I hope you’re able to see progress with how you cope. Hearing others’ experiences with this is helpful to me so thank you for sharing.

    • April says:

      Yes, it’s recognizing the triggers. I used to think my anxiety came from nowhere but have learned through my therapist that it does come from somewhere. It’s a learning process and I hope some day I get closer to gaining control over it.

  8. April, you are a constant source of wonderment for me. I appreciate the struggles you go through, and admire your dedication to finding your path to joy and happiness. ❀

  9. suzjones says:

    There are always going to be days that feel as if the world is going to end for you. I understand and can relate. You don’t have to apologise about posting how you’re feeling. Remember my saying “Writing is the cheapest form of therapy” lol
    I also looked up butterflies in my “Pocket Guide to Spirit Animals” and this is what it has to say on the page. If anything screams out to you then maybe the butterfly was trying to tell you this (It can be one or many of these things).
    “Lighten up and stop taking everything so seriously.
    Get ready for big change. One where an old habit, way of thinking or lifestyle is going out, and a new way of being is emerging.
    It’s time to make the changes you’ve been considering.
    In spite of the challenges, you’ll get through this transition, and as always know that ‘this too shall pass’.
    Express yourself by wearing more colourful clothing.”
    Not sure if any of this was helpful but you never know right?

    • April says:

      Oh, for sure….it was to wear the colorful clothing. LOL. I can see why the butterfly visited me. My husband and I have a lot of changes to decide what to do. We don’t have to do it immediately, but sometime. It’s that sometime that is getting to me….you know, trying to predict the future?

  10. Glynis Jolly says:

    I’ve never given it much thought before. That feeling after accepting an invitation where your reaction is more of “Can I do this?”, “Why don’t I want to do this?”, and not having any of the answers. You’ve named it for me, Social Anxiety.

    Did you go out to dinner? If so, did you enjoy the time or were you itching to get to the safety of your own home?

    • April says:

      I felt okay, once in the car. Once we ate I was ready to head back to safety, though. The “torture” was that we had to drive for about 35 minutes just to get to the restaurant. I don’t know why it bothered me because they are really nice people.

      • Glynis Jolly says:

        Maybe what is needed is for them to come see you in the surroundings you’re comfortable in. After all, you were in a strange building with people you don’t know well yet. Get rid of one of the obstacles and the anxiety may not be all bad. Just a thought.

  11. reocochran says:

    There is a LOT on your plate, April! I could feel the sense of having “much too much” to think about.
    Retreating to the Missouri farm, it seemed in the past, to relax you and set a slower but steady pass of repairing projects. These are satisfying, since you like to check them off, dear. Sorry, the dinner with neighbors may have been the monkey wrench you didn’t need, but I was happy it all turned out okay, after all.
    Pecan is like “aunt” and “tomato” in many use a different way of saying them!
    I am sorry, my schedule has been a nightmare so unless someone is “in my face” on my blog comments, I gave been bad and not visited.
    My work schedule on my printed paycheck said “99.98 hours” but add in my stay in the building 1/2 hour lunches (where we clock out) I was there clearly five more hours! Yikes!
    Thank you for liking my posts all thru this time, April xo

    • April says:

      Yikes! That is a lot of hours. I’m glad that you also have time to spend with family.

      • reocochran says:

        I just try to “change gears” and keep relationships going. I hope next month, less auto parts needed. πŸ™‚
        Plus, that new one who is my every other weekend guy friend. πŸ™‚ πŸ˜‰

  12. Elouise says:

    April, your list of positives had me smiling and even laughing a few times. Thanks! I especially liked the Mini and baby cow items. You’re so right–it’s important to identify the things that make us smile. I really appreciate this part of your blog posts. You definitely help me feel not so alone. 😊

  13. Pingback: A Pile of Anxiety β€” Momof3isnuts – Anxieteaandcake

  14. I’m just getting into this blogging stuff. Mainly because of my anxiety as well. Thank you for telling your story as well. It helps knowing we aren’t alone.

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