My husband saw my grocery list on the counter and asked if it was a list my son had made for the inevitable, dreaded shopping trip. I told him that it was mine. He responded by saying that it didn’t look like my handwriting. You know what? It didn’t.
The words are printed and small, with no abbreviations. Everything arranged on the page in the order I will zip around the store to get out of there. The items written with a scrawling hand.
I’m walking a thin line right now. The first medication my doctor and I decided to cut out was semi-successful. I mean I felt some effects of being off the medication but I was not sad nor elated. I adjusted and I felt more like myself. Then I tackled the second medication….the one I’ve been on the longest. The one that makes me flat. It leaves me with no zest for life. No enthusiasm for anything.
This tapering has been a little rougher. For the first time, in I don’t know how long, I have lied on the couch watching nothing on television. I skip around the channels trying to find something to catch my interest, avoiding any of the monotonous news coverage of our political race.
My mind is adjusting. Or is it? One has to really know their emotions and what is going on inside their noggin’s to know what is depression that will last and will require the increase of medication, or if it is just a temporary feeling. I constantly read inspirational messages with the hopes that the depressive symptoms are temporary and will move on. I feel the depression, I know it’s there, I will let it move on. Is my armor of determination enough to fight through this? I don’t know but the depression isn’t moving on as quickly as I had hoped.
Last night before I went to sleep I kept repeating, “please let me wake up tomorrow and feel better”. Over and over I said this until I finally fell asleep. I woke up early and didn’t want to get out of bed until I heard the incessant whine of one of my cats begging me to get up and feed him.
Do I feel better this morning? Hmmmm. I don’t know, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet. However, I didn’t turn on the television.