A Handful of Pills

My husband saw my grocery list on the counter and asked if it was a list my son had made for the inevitable, dreaded shopping trip. I told him that it was mine. He responded by saying that it didn’t look like my handwriting. You know what? It didn’t.

The words are printed and small, with no abbreviations. Everything arranged on the page in the order I will zip around the store to get out of there. The items written with a scrawling hand.

I’m walking a thin line right now. The first medication my doctor and I decided to cut out was semi-successful. I mean I felt some effects of being off the medication but I was not sad nor elated. I adjusted and I felt more like myself. Then I tackled the second medication….the one I’ve been on the longest. The one that makes me flat. It leaves me with no zest for life. No enthusiasm for anything.

This tapering has been a little rougher. For the first time, in I don’t know how long, I have lied on the couch watching nothing on television. I skip around the channels trying to find something to catch my interest, avoiding any of the monotonous news coverage of our political race.

My mind is adjusting. Or is it? One has to really know their emotions and what is going on inside their noggin’s to know what is depression that will last and will require the increase of medication,Β or if it is just a temporary feeling. I constantly read inspirational messages with the hopes that the depressive symptoms are temporary and will move on. I feel the depression, I know it’s there, I will let it move on. Is my armor of determination enough to fight through this? I don’t know but the depression isn’t moving on as quickly as I had hoped.

Last night before I went to sleep I kept repeating, “please let me wake up tomorrow and feel better”. Over and over I said this until I finally fell asleep. I woke up early and didn’t want to get out of bed until I heard the incessant whine of one of my cats begging me to get up and feed him.

Do I feel better this morning? Hmmmm. I don’t know, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet. However, I didn’t turn on the television.


About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
This entry was posted in Anxeity and Depression and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

43 Responses to A Handful of Pills

  1. aviets says:

    Such a long, difficult journey. I’m hoping you see a real difference very soon.

  2. katiereablog says:

    I can definitely relate to this post. I hope your day gets better! Following your blog so that I can read more.

  3. To get away from the stabilizing medication can be tough, I do remember. From being more or less without emotions to feel alive with all, both good and less good, is a challenge. I think, that you are doing so well April, have patience and you will find yourself again πŸ™‚

  4. joey says:

    Oh no. That sounds like how I felt when I tried an anti-depressant. I really hope you have more good days ahead. πŸ™‚

    • April says:

      I may have to be on something, I just want to see if I have to be on so much. I don’t like when the doctor gives me another pill to counter the side effects of another. It’s just not right.

  5. I relate to so much of what you described here. I hope things get easier for you soon. I had been feeling like my meds were off for some time. I felt flat and lacked energy. The tapering was hard & now I’m pretty sure I need something…but I’m not sure what. My therapist has me using an app on my phone called Optimism & I’m sure if I could remember to log everything in it would help. It IS helping, but yeah…it’s a process. All the best as you continue fine-tuning your treatment. And I’m with you — I really need coffee to get going in the morning when meds are being tweaked.

  6. mewhoami says:

    I do hope that your mind and body adjusts to this change in medication soon. For me though, if I repeatedly tell myself that tomorrow will be better, it’s usually not, solely because I fell asleep with it so heavy on my mind. I’ve found that just flowing tends to work better. The less I think about what I’m going through, the sooner I overcome it.

    • April says:

      I didn’t think of that. I am focusing on the wrong thing when I repeat those words. I’m rephrasing my sentence. I’m feeling a little better, though.

  7. I suppose this is a good lesson in patience?

  8. We all have many emotions in a day, a week or even from moment to moment April. And the more we focus on them, the more it is a sign we hold up high to say to the universe…look at me, I need to be hit again so that I can go through this, attracting accordingly.
    Do you notice that as you watch tv, that when something interesting comes on it is only then we forget about our worries. We’ve been sidetracked.
    Do interesting. Follow that beautiful heart inside and ask yourself…what do ‘I’ want to do. Not the expectations of you, others or your fear. Just you!
    And I found that as time goes by…interesting becomes the norm instead of holding myself in a pattern of fear.
    Yes, it will take a little time, but slowly you will see the changes.
    Oh, and I found some form of exercise (you don’t have to do a marathon πŸ˜€ ), was great for flushing the system of any over buildups of chemicals or excess hormones etc. And plenty of water, because if we are de-hydrated, the cells block any losses.
    You have already told the universe you’ve had enough of being controlled by the meds, and that you are taking control of your life back.
    It is your time to ‘create’ what you want in your life, instead of just re-acting to everything that life throws at you. Have confidence, you are doing well πŸ™‚
    Love and light to you, and some healing energy for your journey πŸ™‚

    • April says:

      Thank you. I really appreciate your feedback. When feeling a depressive episode, nothing catches my interest. But I won’t give up. I have to remind myself that I have survived much harder challenges and I still stand strong. I will keep going. πŸ™‚

  9. Sending you my thoughts April and I know how hard this journey is for you.. But keep saying those affirming thoughts .. And I so agree with Marks Comment.. Have confidence and be patient with yourself.. Love and Hugs xx Sue ❀

  10. Bradley says:

    I’m rooting for you. Not turning on the tube first thing is actually a good first step. I’m not so sure I believe in the power of affirmations, but if I may make a suggestion – say them from a positive view. Instead of β€œplease let me wake up tomorrow and feel better”, try “I will wake up and feel better.” Like I said, I’m not sure if they help me, but that’s my understanding of how they are supposed to be said.

    Med changes suck. I hope yours quickly becomes less stressful.

    • April says:

      I’m actually beginning to slowly feel a bit better. At least I’m conversing with my husband and son. I even got out of the house yesterday. Isolation is my big downfall and I know it. I just get tired of having to fight the fight at times, you know what I mean?

  11. Don says:

    You’re a courageous woman, April. I so admire the way you deal with the struggle.

    • April says:

      Thanks, Don. I don’t know if I’m more courageous of hard-headed. I know I want to live a certain way, full of life, and these setbacks frustrate me. I’ll make it!

  12. Glynis Jolly says:

    I’ve been staring at the boob tube too. I wonder if it’s the time of year and the blasted hot temperatures that are causing my lethargically behavior. Give it time, friend.

    • April says:

      I can say that I’m looking forward to the cooler temperatures of Fall. I have things I need to do outside and with the heat, that gives me one more excuse to stay on the couch. I am finding my little successes. I get out of bed each day. It may take until after noon to get dressed, but I get up. I’m working on a more positive routine for my mornings. Maybe this will give me the jumpstart needed.

  13. agshap says:

    While I cannot relate to depression, I can relate to this blog as there are days I too do not move off the couch. I literally have to push myself out the door. I have excuses – so many excuses – and I usually hate myself for it….but somehow I push….I always say “when the weather is cooler” when I go back to work” “when the kids come over”…all excuses…I cannot fathom what you are going through but take baby steps….one at a time….there is a reason we are all here.

    • April says:

      Hi! I’m so glad that you can’t relate to depression. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’m a master of excuses as well. There comes a point during some days that I tell myself to just give up with the excuses, I’m not going to do this-or-that anyway.

  14. reocochran says:

    April, I can see how your experiences are going to help me. Let me share that I have been every other weekend since May, dating a man who lost his home, in ground pool, dog, car and wife when they got divorced five years ago. He honestly tried to commit suicide, was in hospital and lives with his parents now. So, he is depressed, will maybe always be so, as well as anxious while dating me, feeling twenty years with one woman he loved and trusted, not sure he can depend on even friendship let alone a relationship. But he is so caring, empathetic and although 12 years younger, he has much more gentlemanly manners and listening skills than the sixty year olds I usually date.
    I am hoping for your best and happiest days to come, knowing you value and appreciate your life, April. If you ever want to give me some good advice on how to respond to the depression and anxiety, I will be listening! Hugs, Robin

    • April says:

      Robin, I’m not sure what advice I have to give you about having someone important in your life with depression. Even though I tout that it is important to learn that one has to fight for their own path to a kind of normal happiness, it is hard for some to see that. The biggest message I have is that a depressed person doesn’t want to be that way and is desperate to escape it. I think everyone has their own path to recovery whether it’s therapy, medications….many other forms of mental health therapy. All I can say is be patient, it means a lot to the sufferer. Validating that their feelings are real and that they aren’t made up and can’t just “snap out of it”. You seem to be a very caring and compassionate person….just what he needs. πŸ™‚

      • reocochran says:

        April, I asked you because over the months we have known each other, you have taught me a lot about anxiety and depression.
        I have hopes that he appreciates my listening and caring. He has a sense of humor, which you have a zany, silly one. His humor can be rather sarcastic and cynical. I sometimes say, “hey, be nice!” but mostly shake my head and roll my eyes.
        I have one more question, April. Sorry to bug you, but I don’t have a source in my family plus don’t want them to make judgments or pay attention to any of his quirks.
        He is always sleeping and missing time with me, apologizes for lateness for our dates. I accidentally read a text to me saying he “was on his way” and 8″ candles burned down to nubs, waiting while I had dinner warming and salad warming, too. He laid down after his shower and fell asleep.
        He goes to therapy, he told me he talks to his therapist about me.
        He uses some kind of medication but I have not been to his house and he hasn’t spent night so don’t know what they are.This is since May 12th dating but friends since March.
        Thank you so much! xo

        • April says:

          Hmmm…maybe he still has huge problems with trusting his heart since he was so badly hurt.I know there are times I just can’t go somewhere but I have learned not to make the plans in the first place. I don’t say I’m going to do something and then don’t do it. I hold myself to my promises.But that is just me, we are all different. My unprofessional opinion is that he is avoiding. I’m not sure about your friend, but I like when my husband asks me to help him understand. Not in a confrontational way, but a way that makes me want to share what is going on in my mind. However, I have 100% trust in my husband. Maybe your friend is still working through his trust issues and is afraid of being hurt again. I don’t know….I do know that when I’m depressed I sleep a lot.

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