My Sky is Only Dotted With Depression

I’m doing very well tapering off some of my meds. However, I have to learn who I am again. I’ve always been here, but I’ve been hiding behind a fog of side effects. There is a person with a sense of humor just waiting to burst out. I see that person now and again, but I want to see more of her.

Surely these feelings are temporary, but I’m lacking confidence. I know I can do…well, just about anything I want to try. I may not become an expert, but at least I try what my little heart desires. So where did my confidence go?

I can say that I’ve ironed enough of my husband’s work shirts that I’m a semi-pro. For some reason, I’m doubting my ability to get every wrinkle out of his shirts. That’s impossible and I know it (at least it is for me). So really, why is it bothering me that I can’t seem to iron a stinkin’ shirt without ironing in a wrinkle or burning myself?

Ironing is not the focus of this post. I just wanted to record how my mind is changing while trying to adjust to a little less of the handful of medications I’ve been taking for…oh, how long has it been?

One of those pills has taken away my chutzpah and I want it back.

The one benefit of tapering off is that I feel I can be more focused on the exact thoughts that meander through my mind. The crap I tell myself–one of which must be that I can’t do anything with any competence. I’m changing those thoughts though. Yes I can do what I want, and the only person stopping me, is me.

I am just a person who has depression from time to time–sometimes cycling quicker than I expect but it isn’t who I am, it’s just my challenge to observe and let it go—celebrating when I feel free.

Last week we lost a massive part of our family, my most favorite dog ever. It was hard for us and it still seems strange in the absence with all her noises. She will be greatly missed.

However, I found the following beautiful recently:

  • I finally found some sheets to fit our bed that won’t slip off
  • I lost 9 pounds
  • we got a new car for me to drive – a Mini Cooper. I love it!
  • Babysitting the grand puppy for a weekend
  • Deciding and compromising on the color of our bedroom and bath–it will be the same color – boring but it is what we could both agree on
  • Football season is getting closer!
  • naps

Hope you find some beauty in your day!

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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29 Responses to My Sky is Only Dotted With Depression

  1. meANXIETYme says:

    I hope you find your chutzpah, even if it’s a little bit at a time. You’re in there, April, be patient as you re-emerge.
    Also, I’m so sorry for your terrible loss. I know how difficult that is. I’ll be thinking of you and sending you peaceful thoughts. HUGS

  2. aviets says:

    OMG lost nine pounds AND sheets that don’t come off? Man, the planets are aligning for you. Seriously! And I’m so glad you’re feeling more like yourself because yourself is an awesome thing to be!

    • April says:

      It is, but sometimes I get myself into trouble. I am doing better but I just can’t seem to let some things go..stupidity is one thing many people struggle with and I’d rather be a little fogged by medication than stupid. Did that make sense? I can’t handle stupid.

  3. joey says:

    Yay new car! Nine pounds! Sheets that don’t slip! Great stuff!

    I’m so freakin sensitive to meds, I can’t relate, but I’m glad you’re in a place that you can do this for yourself. I think it’s wonderful how your rediscovering your own persona. 🙂

  4. reocochran says:

    All kinds of little things to make you smile and feel better, but I cannot imagine losing my “oomph!” which I do like the description of chutzspah, April. I liked that you were describing how you are also less “foggy” and this is giving you clarity. Maybe it shows some of the energy lacking from the one med which helps you. My friend, Patrice, says to get her house clean and projects finished she has to stop taking one of the ones which deadens her pains. It is not the same thing but she has a few more on her plate, like schizophrenia and bipolar aspects. I like when I capture her on the “high” of not over medicated Pat. She chatters and almost sings her words. Take care and congrats on the weight loss, finding sheets that stay on, having fun with the grandpuppy and all the ways you see happy and lightness in your life. xo

    • April says:

      I definitely have some bipolar aspects and I worry if I get a little “high”, I know a depression is going to follow. I’m learning to not let depression define me and that makes me happy. We all have challenges in life, and mine just happens to be medication and depression. I’ll reach a balance, I know I will.

  5. As you are finding in your life April. You are breaking free, removing the bindings that life give us to ‘see’ that really, inside is the most wonderful person trying to be free.
    Have faith my friend, she is a strong little thing inside, and occasionally she will roar to life…let her, she can smell the freedom too 🙂

  6. That’s a fantastic list lady! May the tapering off work out well for you and your chutzpah regain its rightful place in your everyday life.

  7. Glynis Jolly says:

    The struggle still seems to be there for you, and yet I’m seeing a new side of you emerging. The effort you put into a chore shows you determination. The recovery road is a long one. It may be better to be the turtle instead of the hare.

    • April says:

      Yes, slow and steady. I am feeling much better and trying to catch up on all that has been neglected and the things I’ve wanted to do…other than knitting.

  8. smilecalm says:

    may there be calm, happy breaths
    supported by loved ones
    and my pom poms!
    go team, go 🙂

  9. I am so pleased you are finding the pieces of you April.. They will return believe me.. they will.. I am so sorry about the loss of your beloved friend, your dog.. this I know will knock you back a little.. But I can see how well you are doing as you end with all of those positives.. Keep looking for them April.. They are there..
    I know at times the tunnel is hard to come through, but you will make it to the end and see the Light I promise you..
    I know.. and at the time of of my own time within the tunnel I was blinkered with the anti- depression drugs. and was at times a zombie..
    I did it the hard way.. and came off them myself and for a time It was not a good place.. But it got better day by day..
    Sending Huge hugs and well done.. Love and Hugs..
    Sue ❤

  10. Sheets, lost 9 pounds AND got a mini Cooper!!!!!! ❤

  11. mewhoami says:

    I am so sorry to hear about your dog. It’s hard to lose such a special part of the family. On a more positive note though – congrats on the 9 pounds! That is great! And football season, well….I’ll let you enjoy that. 🙂

    • April says:

      We will miss our “puppy” but we still have the grand puppy around which brings us plenty of happiness. I will enjoy the football season 😉

  12. I’m sorry for your loss April, it is tough to get over, I know.
    You will go through this time too and come out even more strong, even it looks dark now.

  13. So sorry about your dog. Losing our beloved fur children, is beyond hard. Thinking of you as you as you settle into a new normal.

    Very cool about your new car. I love those!! And… you sound like you’re doing really well overall with the med tapering. So much insight in this post! It’s inspiring.

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