When I die, I want my friends and relatives to have a big party. A BIG party with all my favorite kinds of music playing. I want to see them dancing and remembering my life and what I left behind in their heart.
You know what I found myself doing yesterday? Making a list of songs I want played at my celebration of life. As I was making my list, I stopped and asked, “what the hell am I doing”? Is this suicide ideation? I don’t think so….until I Googled it and found that I’m doing quite a few of the things that are signs and symptoms of suicide ideation.
I’m not going anywhere. Nowhere, until I have reached that 100 year mark, and I intend to get there while dancing to those songs on my list.
I have a fear right now. You see, May 31st was my 5th year cancer free—well cancer free until I’m told different. I won’t have my next scan until September. But just as I did the first time, I will fight should the results not be as I expect.
I’m eating better so that I can be healthy. My A1C number is hovering around the type 2 diabetic range. But I don’t want that number to be there, so I will eat better and exercise. (My stinkin’ Primary Torturer just won’t quit harping on the subject of exercise)
I’m in a good place right now. I have been up and down over the last few months. It seems as if I come out of the storm only to be followed by yet another storm. Right now, the sun is shining on my soul and I will cherish every moment of it. I’m making myself stronger in order to ride out the next storm.
There…that’s what is on my mind, and I won’t be making any more lists like that again. The only lists of music I’ll be making are for my tunes to play in my car while I motor around town.
if you are thinking of giving up, please reach out to a friend or call the National Suicide Prevention hotline…1-800-273-8255. Don’t want to talk on the phone? They also have an online chat option. Just don’t give up