Music For a Funeral

When I die, I want my friends and relatives to have a big party. A BIG party with all my favorite kinds of music playing. I want to see them dancing and remembering my life and what I left behind in their heart.

You know what I found myself doing yesterday? Making a list of songs I want played at my celebration of life. As I was making my list, I stopped and asked, “what the hell am I doing”? Is this suicide ideation? I don’t think so….until I Googled it and found that I’m doing quite a few of the things that are signs and symptoms of suicide ideation.

I’m not going anywhere. Nowhere, until I have reached that 100 year mark, and I intend to get there while dancing to those songs on my list.

I have a fear right now. You see, May 31st was my 5th year cancer free—well cancer free until I’m told different. I won’t have my next scan until September. But just as I did the first time, I will fight should the results not be as I expect.

I’m eating better so that I can be healthy. My A1C number is hovering around the type 2 diabetic range. But I don’t want that number to be there, so I will eat better and exercise. (My stinkin’ Primary Torturer just won’t quit harping on the subject of exercise)

I’m in a good place right now. I have been up and down over the last few months. It seems as if I come out of the storm only to be followed by yet another storm. Right now, the sun is shining on my soul and I will cherish every moment of it. I’m making myself stronger in order to ride out the next storm.

There…that’s what is on my mind, and I won’t be making any more lists like that again. The only lists of music I’ll be making are for my tunes to play in my car while I motor around town.

if you are thinking of giving up, please reach out to a friend or call the National Suicide Prevention hotline…1-800-273-8255. Don’t want to talk on the phone? They also have an online chat option. Just don’t give up




About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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15 Responses to Music For a Funeral

  1. reocochran says:

    I am corny do I think of songs for if I were ever to get married again. 🙂
    My daughter likes that one about being buried in a really nice dress with pearls on. “If I die young. . .”

    • April says:

      You aren’t corny. I have song “lists” that I would like to dedicate to my husband. Maybe when we have our own 50th year wedding celebration.

      • reocochran says:

        “Through the Years” by Kenny Rogers, “Close to You”by the Carpenters and “Color my World” by Chicago. for any future wedding or promises made.
        April, I hope you have a beautiful send-off about 35 to 40 years from now or longer. . . years far into the future!! Love ya, girlfriend! xo
        Have I sent a personal note to tell you I am breaking all my rules, dating a coworker, (only 3 dates so far but I really like him!) and he is younger, only 48 to my 60 and he is starting all over again with nothing or next to nothing, been divorced unwillingly for five years now. . . Only about four fellow bloggers have this information! Wish me luck. . .

        • April says:

          I married a guy I met at work. Good thing he wasn’t in charge of my department or that I had to work with him because after we got married we discovered we don’t do tasks well together.

          • reocochran says:

            Oh, well we shall see about this guy. I was recently disappointed at his sending me whiny texts about our workplace while I am up on Lake Erie with my Mom and family. I am on vacation and know how hard summer at a hot warehouse is. . .
            I have little patience for men who don’t act like they are handling things on their own. Later, when we get closer and serious, it is okay to say they miss me and also complain. 🙂

  2. Bradley says:

    I don’t think making a list of music for your funeral is a bad thing at all. Great idea actually. When a person dies there are so many things that need to be done at a time when you least want to do them. That’s why I think a funeral plan is a great gift for family and friends, It takes a lot of weight of there shoulders.

    As for suicide ideation – maybe, but I recently did a post on the subject and ideation is normal for anyone, regardless of whether they have a mental illness or not.

    • April says:

      Thank you for saying that my thoughts are normal. It kind of took me by surprise. I have been in a mindset lately that fit the signs of ideation. I believe it to be the furthest thing from my mind. As much as I get tired of fighting the ups and downs, I won’t give up the fight. I’m glad I have this space to get what is on my mind off and receive great feedback, such as yours. Thank you.

  3. joey says:

    I think a party is a good idea, although I am going the funeral route. Er, maybe more memorial — and I have expressed my desire for a song to be played as well. Like you, I’m hoping not to go soon, but one does like to be prepared for the things we can’t prepare for.

  4. ecteedoff says:

    You’re awesome! Keep it up, April!

  5. Glynis Jolly says:

    Your roller-coaster ride has been a long one. I know it probably isn’t over either. Still, I see strength in this post I haven’t seen in a while. My household is on a Diabetic 2 diet. My husband was diagnosed several years ago. This means many of our meals are starch-free. He can have starches but he insisted on severely limiting them to keep his diabetic number under 170 even just after the first hour after eating. His average during the day is 128. He, of course, avoids most sugar unless his blood sugar is low. We eat a lot of the carb-smart yogurt, which, by chance, is only 60 calories per serving carton.

    I hope you’ll write another post in the near future. ❤

    • April says:

      I think I have accepted that I will always have some sort of up and down cycle. I now have enough “tools” to deal with them. I seriously like the ups and wish they would stay….who knows, maybe there won’t be many downs anymore? I can only take care of myself and hope.

  6. So valuable. You.

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