Crappy Guilt

Okay, I have to let something out. I’m refusing to feel like a failure but I’m a bit mad at my mind and why it’s the way it is.

It has been a while off the Abilify. I did some more studying and let’s just say that some of the other drugs I’m taking can have some adverse side effects if combined with Abilify. This scares me.


With it, I feel strong.

For about 4 weeks now, I have been putting on my best warrior mask and pretending I’m not depressed. But guess what? I can’t fight it any more. It’s there and despite every positive thought, and “it’s all in how you think about its”, I have to admit defeat and return to that fat-making pill. The anxiety even reared it’s ugly head with a vengence, I survived but it still didn’t make me feel any less anxious about it happening again. That old fear of the fear started creeping up on me.

By the way, I didn’t lose any weight so apparently it has something to do with my crappy diet and lack of exercise. πŸ˜€ Who knew?

My last post felt so odd when I was typing it. I felt like a person writing about what another person witnessed. Does that make sense? The writing didn’t have much of my personality in it. A couple of drafts later, I recognized I needed to stop and wait for the medication to kick in. To wait and see if my personality can be salvaged.

I’m still waiting.

I’m still trying to catch up on blog reading.

I’m still trying.

That’s what counts.

(I hate when that stinkin’ doctor knows better than I do)


About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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37 Responses to Crappy Guilt

  1. I just wrote a post on my blog called the ‘mental illness tag’, I’m trying to help people understand and have an insight into what it’s like to have a mental illness, would be great if you did it!

  2. meANXIETYme says:

    I’m really proud of you that you were able to identify what wasn’t working for you and made strides to change that. It’s hard. I hope you can continue to move forward with the realization that you are doing what is right for you at this moment.

    • April says:

      I wish I didn’t have to take medication, but apparently at this time of my life, I do. I think I got too big for my britches too soon. I felt strong. It didn’t take to long to feel worthless again. I try and refuse to have those thoughts but I’m getting a bit exhausted. I need to give it some more time of feeling strong before trying to taper off medications.

  3. I really get this. Right this second I need to drag my butt to the pharmacy and pick up a prescription. I’ve been off THE med that truly keeps my ADD in check for nearly 2 months, but I worry about what it does to me last night term. Meanwhile, in the here and now I’m a hot mess. Last night I was talking this through with a friend who gets it and she said — I know its hard for you to see this right now, but you’re losing a lot of your life at this moment out of fear of what the drug might be doing to you in the future. Hmm. I’m not saying our situations are the same, but her statement gave me pause. I think your realization is awesome and very insightful. Hope you feel better soon.

    • Grrr. I’m on the iPad app and missed the autocorrect & can’t edit my comment. The third sentence in my original comment should say: ‘I’ve been off THE med that keeps my ADD in check for nearly 2 months, but I worry about what it does to me long term.’

    • April says:

      That part about losing a lot of your life at this moment has given me reason to pause. Your friend is right. I need to give myself a break and move on and enjoy life.

  4. aviets says:

    I’m so glad you figured out what you need to do, even though it’s a disappointment. Fingers crossed that you feel more like yourself very soon. AND…my hand slipped and did that stupid thing where it deleted your comment on a post of mine from a couple of days ago. Just wanted you to know it was an accident!!

    • April says:

      No worries. I have done some things while trying to use my phone for blog reading and FB. It’s so easy to slip when the buttons are so much smaller than our fingers. πŸ™‚

  5. inmycorner says:

    Oh, April. Sound like your bucket is low. Mine was today too. I wish I knew sometimes what to fill it with – that always changes and makes it difficult to predict how to “get out of” a funk. The sun helped me today. I do hope that you will find “your” filler, my dear. I am so with you in spirit.

    • April says:

      This month is the anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. It will be 5 years but due to extra scans for suspicious findings, my next scan isn’t until October. For some reason it’s on my mind that I can’t find out if I’m still clean until then. I remind myself that today all I know is that I’m fine until told different. But my mind wanders….I think I shall knit πŸ™‚

      • inmycorner says:

        I totally relate. And of course it is on your mind. It changes your life forever. Not bad to be vigilant in terms of tending to your body. FIve years is amazing! Congratulations. Hope you find your “pearl” along with your mojo! Grin .

  6. These kinds of medicine are supposed to be used as a tool. Sometimes you need to use it for a short time, sometimes you find out it might be a lifelong tool. At least you paused and evaluated if you still needed it instead of blindly continuing to take it. Even though you found out you can still benefit from taking it and you may have to use it for longer than you want you are using it the way it was intended, as a tool so you can function better. We all need a little help and we all need some tools to get by. Hope you feel strong again soon. πŸ™‚

    • April says:

      Thank you. I know I shouldn’t feel disappointed, but it’s a goal (no meds) that I may never reach. However, that’s okay with me.

  7. joey says:

    Ugh, that must be so disappointing, in several ways. I’m sorry you need it, but I want you to avoid fear of the fear. Fear of the fear is so heinous.

    • April says:

      It is, and it sucks the life out of me. Time to change directions and use what I have learned up to this point. If that means medication, I suppose I have to deal with it. The alternative isn’t a good life and I miss out on too much.

  8. I so admire you. For all of these things you share with us. And the strength to keep powering through. You really are super.

  9. Bradley says:

    The whole diet and exercise thing sucks doesn’t it? You’d think with all the meds we take that we’d get some kind of break. I’m sorry about the depression. I hope getting back on the Abilify helps.

  10. Glynis Jolly says:

    I’ve been following your journey with your desire to lessen the medication closet. Our challenges are similar but not the same. I was on an antidepressant for over five years, took on the addition of Abilify, weaned myself off of it, and tried to live with the anxiety. Here I am approximately five months later, switching to something different, getting rid of that antidepressant. I’m on the generic form of Lexapro ( From what I’ve read, it’s for those with anxiety disorders specifically. It could make me fat or it could make me skinny. It all depends on my personal chemistry. It took a few days for the weird feelings to dissipate, but right now I like how it’s helping. The bonus is I take it once a day instead of twice like I did with the other.

    Has your doc suggested this one?

    • April says:

      For the anxiety, I have tried so many over the years. The best thing I have tried is an older drug…Buspar. It has made a world of difference. I guess I have the right combination at this point in time and I need to stick to it for a while…even if I think I’m strong. I need to just feel strong a little longer before I try to go it without medication. Who knows, I may have to have a combination for the rest of my life, but it will be a better life than the alternative.

      • Glynis Jolly says:

        Trying to accept the flaws of these monsters is difficult. I was on and off meds so often when I was in my late forties, I’m surprised the doctor didn’t call me a yoyo. It took me a while to just let all this stuff be as it is and get on with my life. It appears you’re traveling down the same road.

        How’s your “new doc” hunting going?

  11. Hugs to you April!! You just keep trying – you are amazing!!

  12. reocochran says:

    It is okay to use medication and this is what helps many people. I have a great friend, she and I were close in college and she was my Maid of Honor. She hears voices and is diagnosed Manic Depressive and Schizophrenic. Only occasionally will she not take one of her meds, she says it helps her get her cleaning done. I am not sure which and I tell her she should check with her psychologist/psychiatrist but when she is off one of them, she is wildly funny and I can see why she enjoys the high poiints. I like and highly recommend, something with Polar Bear in the title for checking out a unique perspective on mental illness with one of my favorite actors ih it, Mark Ruffalo. I think that Thandie something or other is a beautiful actress and she is his wife in the movie, there are two kids and very rough spots in the movie, NOT You, April. But just fascinating film. I love my friend, Patrice, who I met about the same time I met my first husband at age 18 at BGSU. She is precious and we talk a lot about her strange problems which include people saying her address or her name on tv, or they may tell her to do things which others don’t hear. Take care and again, sorry about the babbling but I feel we are friends and I had a few things to say. πŸ™‚

    • April says:

      Thanks, Robin. I really appreciate the encouragement. I’m kind of glad the voices in my head are kind of “normal”. Many of us will tell ourselves that we did something stupid, or that we can’t get anything right. That’s me….and I exaggerate it until I really hate myself. I do enjoy my mania (the up side of the illness), but I know it’s not good. It’s usually followed by a deep depression for me. I like staying normal, and I will keep looking for my personality no matter which drug I have to take. If one doesn’t work, there must be another. I should also exercise and eat better….which I am committing myself to. I have my annual check up coming and I’m afraid of what my doctor will have to say.

  13. ittymac says:

    You completed an experiment, assessed results and made a decision. 😊 That’s not easy to do when you’re depressed.

    • April says:

      I have to rely on my husband and try to catch it before it goes too far. The hard thing is trying to determine if I’m having a bad week, as we all do, or is it depression. When it goes on for a month, depression is the culprit. Some day…..

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