I have been feeling like a failure. I find myself anxious, tearful, jittery and angry.
I now believe I must find a new pill pusher to go over my drug options. My current one told me how to taper off Abilify but he never warned me about side effects coming off such a medication. He told me that if I feel symptoms of depression come back after 3 days, go back on it. I didn’t ask any questions and off I went with instructions to follow.
Well, according to Dr. Google, there are feelings of anxiety and depression when coming off such a powerful drug. Ability is an antipsychotic drug and the half life (the time it takes for it to leave your system) is 3 days. Apparently, after 3 days, I could have some sort of tapering off side effects.
Antipsychotic. Sounds scary. I never considered myself as psychotic, just a hater of myself. The one thing I am thankful for is that I was on a beginning dose to start with. After only taking it less than 6 months, I ended on that very small dose, therefore I’m hoping it doesn’t take long for my brain to readjust itself.
Now that I know that I’m feeling side effects from coming off medication and not slipping back into the world of depression, I took a good long nap. Yes, I took care of myself in order to quit crying about my failure to taper off a drug.
I know one thing, it will be a while until I’m ready to tackle tapering off another one of the drugs my brain has become dependent on. I’ve taken SSRIs for so long my brain may never be able to create its own serotonin without a chemical—which makes me mad.
The main thing I’m mad about at this point is that I blindly took pills prescribed by my primary doctor and never sought therapy to work through anxiety and possibly give me the tools to avoid hitting the bottom. I had to search for the right therapy and I finally found it, and for that, I’m thankful. When I found the psychiatrist, aka the pill pusher, I was desperate. I was at the point of giving in. I would have taken anything to escape the pain.
***please note, this is my individual experience. I’m not under the assumption that what I’m doing is right for everyone, nor do I expect anyone to follow my lead. This is just my way of working my way back to some sort of life beyond depression controlled by drugs. I found drugs to be lifesaving, but I feel strong now. I’m no longer scared to death if I should not have the drugs, and I feel ready for any sort of life’s occurrences…good or bad.