All I Wanted to Do Was Cry

As you can tell, I made it to my appointment and back. Some little punk scared the crap out of me by cutting in front of my car so that I had to slam on my brakes. Luckily the car behind me knew how to keep the proper travelling distance between cars. But that’s not what gives me anxiety. The anxiety is getting to an appointment on time–which I did, but had to wait on the doctor. If I were asked by my therapist if I had been late before, I would say, yes. Did my world fall apart? No. It was kind of fun to screw up the doctor’s schedule instead of mine for a change.

There are some bad habits I’ve picked up over the years, and the worst one is negative mind-talk. Hours before I left I couldn’t believe how stupid I felt having such fear. What’s odd to me is that anxiety is one thing I thought I had a little better control of. I need some more work. Maybe a little exposure therapy by taking that drive in steps until I can make it there and back without the exhaustion and negativity that anxiety does to me.

Today is a good day. I have a photography club meeting coming up tonight and whether or not I try to talk myself out of going, I’m simply going to keep busy until it’s time to haul my ass there. Isolating myself is a little mound of crap I have to climb over as well.


I am determined.




About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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21 Responses to All I Wanted to Do Was Cry

  1. meANXIETYme says:

    I like and am impressed by your determination. Goo April!

  2. jennababy09 says:

    Isolating myself is something I have become a bit of a professional at, sadly. When I read that in your post I giggled because I just wrote an entire post about self-inflicted solitary. Great minds they say. Now jump that wall and go to the meeting tonight. Not just for you but me too! Please.

    • April says:

      I will go. I always enjoy myself, I don’t understand the difficulty just getting into the car.

      • jennababy09 says:

        I have the same issue. It’s been five months since my last hair cut. I finally made the appt. I have to leave in a little over an hour and I’m already dreading it.

        I’m fighting ti remind myself how I will feel better because I will look better but that only goes so far when nerve pain is beginning to flair.

        • April says:

          That’s what I was thinking…if I get a new ‘do, maybe I’ll feel better about myself. So sorry to hear about the nerve pain, I hope you can find some relief today.

          • jennababy09 says:

            How was your meeting??? I got my hair done and my outlook changed quite a bit. I hope yours has as well. Sending love and light!

  3. Bradley says:

    Negative mind-talk is tough for me too. Never ceases to amaze me how much I can beat myself up. I’ve gotten better with time, but I think it’s likely to be a lifelong process.

    • April says:

      Once we start letting the negative take over it is hard to stop it and replace it with positive thinking. It is a lifelong process….dangit!

  4. mewhoami says:

    It’s okay to struggle every now and then. New circumstances in any event can change the way we respond to it. Negative-mind talk is something that I struggle with constantly – something that drives my husband up the wall. But, I think that as long as we are trying to get better then at least we’re headed in the right direction.

    • April says:

      I get a certain look from my husband when I’ve overstepped my negative “limit”. He is helping me more than he knows.

  5. joey says:

    It really is so important to keep going out and facing the anxiety, but it’s a constant battle nonetheless. I am so pleased you didn’t talk yourself out of it.

  6. reocochran says:

    You are admitting things, trying hard and I am impressed that you don’t back down, April.

  7. Timelesslady says:

    I think so many of us struggle with negativity. I find blogging an uplifting positive thing, and think posting, as you did about ups and downs, gets all of us bloggers on a more positive mind-track, or as you said, mind-talk. I like that! I’m going to have to mention that to a friend I went to breakfast with last week. We had a long conversation about the struggle not to be negative. Negative mind-talk…just labeling it as such is the first step in beginning to defeat it. Thanks for the good post.

  8. Glynis Jolly says:

    When I have an appointment where I have to drive to someplace where I haven’t been before, I always do a “dry run”. The drive feels more casual, I can figure out where the best parking spot is, and how much time I need to get there too. Because of this strategy, the only anxiety I feel is coming from the moronic drivers.

    Maybe you need to do “dry runs” to figure out different routes you can take to alleviate some of the tension.

    Just a thought. 😛

    • April says:

      The funny thing is that I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been there and back. All my doctors/radiologists are in the same building. I’m not sure why I get myself all worked up before I go.

      • Glynis Jolly says:

        Could it be that the doc may discover something you’ve been successfully hiding? I think of psychologists and psychiatrists the same way I viewed my parents while growing up. If they didn’t mention it and I didn’t offer it, it meant that I got away with it, whatever it was. All I had to do was get the one encounter with the parent over with, then I’d be in the clear. But the anxiety before that encounter was tremendous.

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