Gotta Record Some Things

Extended period apparently means one week to me–or was it less than a week? I do have some trips coming up, one place with no internet and the other place….well let’s just see.

As my snotty-nosed-cat was doing her daily teetering on my leg, I thought I had better write about how I’m feeling so that I can note where my mind is at this moment in time. I don’t want to teeter and I’m feeling strong.

I have written about reducing my medications, and slowly, I’m working on it.

Finally, I have reached the part of my mind that understands that I went through a lot in a short period of time, only to be topped off with physical health problems.

Look how much I’ve survived. Yes! I did it and I know I will survive whatever comes next, because I understand that’s how life rolls. Little birds and butterflies don’t constantly flit about me, undoubtedly a black cloud will roll in from time to time.

Am I feeling strong because of the medications? Has my therapist and all her wisdom helped me to see that I am a determined, strong person?

I’m thinking the latter is what has helped me the most.

So……I’m going to continue to cut back on the pills (with my pill pusher’s guidance) to find what will work with the least amount of medication. Nothing would be my real goal but maybe, for me, that won’t be possible.

Logically, I know that I can relapse. Do I have the tools to work myself through the dark times? I want to believe I can.

While I believe medication has saved my life, I don’t want to depend on it—who does? I understand that I have an illness that may require medication, such as a diabetic, or my asthma medication, but I don’t think I need to take such a huge cocktail of drugs.

I’m fully aware that people clinically diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder think they know everything after drug therapy. They believe they don’t need the medication, quit taking it, and end up right back in the darkness.

So, maybe at this moment in time I’m dreaming, but I have tools to get me through the rough spots. After all, I’m April–Rebel Warrior!  I can’t quit on myself.

Okay, I’ve rambled, but this is mainly to return and read when I think I still know it all and have to return to medications I don’t want to take. The question I’m asking myself is, do I feel strong because I’ve found a way to find peace of mind, or is it the medication talking? The next question—how many times do I have to type medication to get my point across?

 

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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24 Responses to Gotta Record Some Things

  1. aviets says:

    It’s a big subject, and it’s very important to you, so I”m glad you’re writing about it. I know there are people who are able to back off meds and come back stronger than ever. My oldest is a good example. She really needed to be on antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds for awhile, and I was nervous when she chose to drop them. But she’s doing great now – possibly because of a major change of circumstances and because of getting a little older. I’m convinced hormones play a big part in these issues. And then there’s our middle daughter, who recently added a medication that I’m not thrilled about, yet it seems to be helping her quite a bit. I wish she could work on more behavioral coping strategies instead, but I’m choosing to focus on the fact that what she’s doing currently is working for her. Again, it’s a huge subject, and there’s always something about it to discuss!

    Oh, and I was happy to see a post from you pop up today. I’m very curious about that “other place.” you mention. 🙂

  2. April says:

    The other place I don’t know if I’ll have time—lots of visiting and local traveling.

    This is a big subject and I’ve gone through the shame of whether or not to talk about having to take medication just to get through the day. I have actually beaten myself up for relying on some chemical, but I’ve finally learned to quit doing that. Sometimes it’s what we need and what works for one person is always different from the other. We all have our unique life histories and brain chemical makeup. I don’t know. I would like it if a simple bowl of ice cream would solve all my problems. Ice cream that doesn’t contain any calories but tastes the same. Ha!

  3. joey says:

    I just think it’s a variable situation, with the person, their situation, their meds.
    I’m glad you’re exploring your options with supervision and guidance.

  4. reocochran says:

    I am admiring your idea of trying to cut back on medication, April. You will be able to monitor and decide if this is working, along with help from therapist or doctor, I am sure. I like how you are going with being a Rebel Warrior!! I believe I heard your Rebel Yell! or Roar! Smiles and hope this is a better week for you, no break downs of equipment or whathaveyou’s! 😀

  5. There is no shame (I got that from a comment after the post) in taking meds to get through the day. If you feel there is a better balance between meds and other things you are doing for yourself, I admire your tenacity to persevere and find that perfect balance. And I admire your willingness to document this for yourself, and others, so you have a record of what is happening. Good tracking would be a benefit I would think.

    • April says:

      I don’t seem to be able to get a journal and consistently write in it, and I’m a bit sketchy with blogging at times, but it’s better than nothing at all. Maybe someone out there will feel better whether they are on medications or not. No judgement for me…I’m just wanting to experiment on myself – with the help of my doctors, of course.

  6. April-Rebel-Warrior. It’s you! And she is a strong, determined woman. Onward, with your head high. 🙂

    • April says:

      I has helped to stop and see what is actually around me instead of what I perceive. There is far more good than bad.

  7. Glynis Jolly says:

    April, there’s a big difference between quitting drugs and tapering off. You’re using professional help to get off of as many of the medications as possible and still feel well. True, chances are there are a few pills you’ll be taking forever, but I know you can get to where you’ll be happier with yourself. You’re strong and stubborn. (good qualities to have). ❤

  8. Elouise says:

    I love this post! You seem to have support, a sane picture of what might or might not happen, and the courage to talk about whatever is going on. And then there are all of us cheering you on! Sending you smiles and encouragement, no matter what happens next. Comfort, too, if that’s called for! 🙂 I applaud your desire not to be on so many meds. And your flexibility about seeing how things go.
    Cheers!
    Elouise

  9. mewhoami says:

    I think it’s great that you’ve gotten to the point of wanting to cut back on the meds. As far as who the credit goes to – I’d say that most of that goes to you. You could take all the meds in the world and have the best therapist, but without your own willingness to change and to accept happiness when it comes your way, it would never work. You’ve done great and I believe that you’ll continue to get even better.

    • April says:

      You’re right. It’s like that old saying that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. I’m hoping that documenting my progress, I may see something I’m overlooking. I don’t want to end up back where I was.

  10. suzjones says:

    Never feel guilty about having to take the meds my dear. Sometimes it’s what we need to survive as human beings. 🙂 ❤

    • April says:

      I don’t feel guilty, I want to believe that I can live on a few less different meds. I’m kind of tired of taking one to counteract the effects of another. Just trying to simplify life.

  11. Beset wishes for a successful cut back!

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