When I Get Mad

To those of you who have followed me for a while, hang in here….I’m going to repeat..and possibly a repeat, of a repeat, of a repeat.

I want you to imagine you are a 47 year old. I suppose male or female, it doesn’t matter because the same could have happened to a male. Which it did, but my husband adjusted.

Move from the only area you have known for 47 years—3000 miles away.

Lose identity and sense of self due to kids flying solo.

Lose 4 family members in a 6-month time frame. Two one day apart and the last one 3 months later.

Have gallbladder surgery but end up still feeling sick so a visit to the emergency room was in order. While having the issue taken care of, the doctor informs you have a nodule on your lung.

Yes, the big C.

How would you deal with that?

Physically, I healed but my mind went deeper into a depression. Far beyond the grief. I had to deal with mortality.

I did what I was supposed to…I found a therapist who later suggested I see a psychiatrist to push some pills on me.

The pills did a good job, but I’ll tell you, Β it really makes me question putting something in my mouth from a bottle smelling of chemicals.

Then my sister died. I died a little that day as well. The depression got all mangled with the grief and I never knew if I were in the stages of grief or if I was depressed. All I knew is that I didn’t want to exist any more. I just wanted to fade off like a ghost.

But I had my pill pusher, and he kept prescribing different pills. He never answered my question if it was normal for a person to be taking so many different drugs. The pills continue to work for the most part.

But deep down, I feel strong. I know that I will have more losses in my life. Life changes constantly. I have never backed down from a challenge and I don’t see why I am letting this pill pusher give me so many drugs.

So, a little temper tantrum is a-going to happen in March when I visit him next. Gradually, we will taper off this medicine cocktail. I hope to get rid of most of it. In order to counteract what the chemicals are supposed to be doing, I am going to take care of my mental health by taking care of my physical body. By listening to when I need to pull back and take a breather before things spiral. To walk myself through my fears with my head held high. To participate in life whether I feel like an odd duck or not. Who’s perfect anyway?

Am I blowing smoke? Maybe, but for now it’s coming out of my ears. I have let doctors live my life for me for the last 7 1/2 years. It’s time I take the controls with the lessons I have learned from them.

Yes, I can fly and be successful. Will my wings get clipped somewhere along the way? Possibly, but I know where I can get some drugs.











About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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24 Responses to When I Get Mad

  1. That big C is serious!

  2. Pingback: When I Get Mad | By the Mighty Mumford

  3. Well… That last line brought the house down! LOL! I admire your determination, and dedication to your health… You sound to me like the kind of person with a sensable out-look. You have come through a lot! WOW! I just found you on The Reader and got interested right away πŸ™‚

  4. aviets says:

    Yay for you! I applaud your determination and offer you all the virtual support I can muster! XXX

    • April says:

      I knew that all it would take was to get mad. I feel strong and the best part of all of this was the therapy. Maybe the medications helped me to listen to and follow through with the therapy but now I need to know if I can do it on my own. I’m well aware that many depressives get to a point that they feel they don’t need medications any more–this isn’t the entire case with me. I just don’t think I need 6 medications. One to counteract the side effects of the other. It just makes no sense. So I need to do some work with my pill pusher.

  5. joey says:

    Sounds like the exercise is already paying off.
    I could write way too long of a comment on this, but I’ll just say YOU GO GIRL! πŸ™‚

    • April says:

      I have a bunch of body/mind healing books that it about time I actually read. πŸ™‚

      • joey says:

        I read one a long, long time ago — Healing and The Mind, by Bill Moyers. Excellent book.
        I also really liked Chopra’s book on cell memory etc, but I can’t recall which one it was. That one might be too flaky for you, I’m not sure.
        Anyway, good luck πŸ™‚

  6. CAROL GARNER says:

    you” need a new drug” ask Hewey/Lewis and the news, where to get the BEST….as you deserve it..love you..

  7. Power to the April!!!! Here’s to great health, all the way around, all of the time.

  8. Glynis Jolly says:

    DO IT! I’m right here in the stands waving my banner for you.

  9. mewhoami says:

    Great outlook! You can do this!

    • April says:

      I finally feel strong enough and I’m tired of pills being pushed at me. Of course, I think they have helped be get to this point but I now need to see if I can fly on my own.

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