There was a time….a very long time….I wanted to discontinue fighting just to survive. I lived in fear that my cancer would return, yet at the same time I wish I didn’t exist. I was tired of major life changes and a boatload of grief.
I’m seriously hating this current pill regimen because of the weight I have piled on. It’s the pill the doctor warned me would make me think I need to eat all the time. To quote exactly what he said…“You’ll have to watch what you eat because this pill has a tendency to make you think you want to eat when you aren’t hungry. Just remember, it’s all in your mind”. Funny thing coming from a psychiatrist.
Okay, enough of his crap. I have gained enough weight that I can actually grab my belly and shake it like a bowl full of jelly. To be totally honest, it is because of this pill regimen that I am still here and finding life worth living. I’m not sure if I feel like myself because I don’t know who I am. Recently, I slipped ever-so-slightly over the edge—inching myself toward a depressive funk.
If I could just see some of the beauty in the world, I could hang on. The beauty I focus on in order to avoid the fear of slipping back. The fear? The fear of the fear? Mostly gone. The depression? That nasty side of my personality? Not feeling it so much but I believe it’s always there, ready to pounce and suck the life out of me.
This week the following made me smile:
- Our daughter was here for a long weekend
- The feel of Naked Floofy Cat’s hair growing back
- Making it out of the grocery store with a small candy bar instead of huge bag of candy
- Sunshine for several days
- Not making a visit to the veterinarian’s office this week
- Our oldest introvert is moving into his very first apartment…alone. No dorm, fraternity, or other roommates. He is so excited.
- Our youngest has decided on a field of study….accounting. Not sure this is the right choice but it is his to decide. Better than Gamer….he would live with us forever!
- I bought a new pair of shoes that weren’t boots or booties
- Progress on the office organization
- We’ve decided to rent the Missouri house until we retire–HUGE weight off my shoulders–not even sure why it was bothering me
I hope you find some beauty in your day. I also hope that finding that beauty can help you from falling in that pit of depression if you’re starting to feel sucked in.