I Live, Therefore I Am

There was a time….a very long time….I wanted to discontinue fighting just to survive. I lived in fear that my cancer would return, yet at the same time I wish I didn’t exist. I was tired of major life changes and a boatload of grief.

I’m seriously hating this current pill regimen because of the weight I have piled on. It’s the pill the doctor warned me would make me think I need to eat all the time. To quote exactly what he said…“You’ll have to watch what you eat because this pill has a tendency to make you think you want to eat when you aren’t hungry. Just remember, it’s all in your mind”. Funny thing coming from a psychiatrist.

Okay, enough of his crap. I have gained enough weight that I can actually grab my belly and shake it like a bowl full of jelly. To be totally honest, it is because of this pill regimen that I am still here and finding life worth living. I’m not sure if I feel like myself because I don’t know who I am. Recently, I slipped ever-so-slightly over the edge—inching myself toward a depressive funk.

If I could just see some of the beauty in the world, I could hang on. The beauty I focus on in order to avoid the fear of slipping back. The fear? The fear of the fear? Mostly gone. The depression? That nasty side of my personality? Not feeling it so much but I believe it’s always there, ready to pounce and suck the life out of me.

This week the following made me smile:

  • Our daughter was here for a long weekend
  • The feel of Naked Floofy Cat’s hair growing back
  • Making it out of the grocery store with a small candy bar instead of huge bag of candy
  • Sunshine for several days
  • Not making a visit to the veterinarian’s office this week
  • Our oldest introvert is moving into his very first apartment…alone. No dorm, fraternity, or other roommates. He is so excited.
  • Our youngest has decided on a field of study….accounting. Not sure this is the right choice but it is his to decide. Better than Gamer….he would live with us forever!
  • I bought a new pair of shoes that weren’t boots or booties
  • Progress on the office organization
  • We’ve decided to rent the Missouri house until we retire–HUGE weight off my shoulders–not even sure why it was bothering me

I hope you find some beauty in your day. I also hope that finding that beauty can help you from falling in that pit of depression if you’re starting to feel sucked in.




About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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21 Responses to I Live, Therefore I Am

  1. Hugs! Thank you for sharing what made you smile today 🙂 getting to watch the sun rise over the Atlantic this morning made me smile.

  2. ecteedoff says:

    I find it inspiring that you’re always willing to stop and look at the positive. it’s a very rare quality, one that requires practice I imagine, and one that you’re very good at. I hope that I can do that one day .

    • April says:

      It does take a lot of practice. Some days I don’t even want to think of anything I can find that was worth living for but I do it anyway. It has become a habit for me. I’m not perfect every day, but I can find one little thing no matter how ridiculous it may sound to others.

      • ecteedoff says:

        and that’s awesome. so you can add that to your list for today: you do something super awesome every day to make sure you find the joy, even when your depression doesn’t want you to see it.

        • April says:

          I actually haven’t been to the bottom of the bottom and tried doing this. I am able to do it with medication and lots of therapy.

  3. mewhoami says:

    I’m proud of you for sharing this. Years ago I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety (but then never went back to the doctor), so I understand how it is a daily battle to keep your head above water. The whirlpool seems always present and waiting, and that’s frightening. That is why I’m happy that you have found a medication that is helping you. Don’t worry about the weight gain – It is better to gain weight any day than it is to deal with depression. Just be happy that you’re getting better. Sometimes baby steps are bigger than we think.

    • April says:

      I’m proud of you to be able to fight this without medication and/or therapy. There are many who don’t have that ability. I see things now that I didn’t see before medication. I live now instead of existing.

      • mewhoami says:

        All I can say, is that it is a miracle that I’m still here… I am just extremely stubborn when it comes to doctors and pills. Even now, I’m fighting a disease that has the potential to end my life, but refuse to step one more foot into the doctor’s office or to refill my prescription. Some would call that unwise (stupid even)…and they’d be right. lol I’m just glad that the medication has helped YOU to live, rather than exist. That is so very important. Life is too short to live it any other way.

        • April says:

          You sound like my sister. She has MS and has had thyroid cancer. She only goes to the doctor when she can’t stand the pain any longer. I know medication isn’t right for all. In fact, I’m repulsed that two of mine smell like chemicals. I don’t judge people for any path they choose to take, and I know my path isn’t the only way….it is simply right for me. We each know our own bodies and how much our minds can tolerate.

          • mewhoami says:

            Exactly. Same here. I think that a person needs to do whatever they need to do. No two people are alike and I think it’s unfair for anyone to think that we should all react the same way to situations. I think that is a big part of why depression gets overlooked and minimized so often – people think “just get over it” when in fact they have no real idea of what you’re going through.

  4. I love this post SO much April 🙂

  5. aviets says:

    I’m really sorry about this medication side effect. Our middle had the exact same problem caused by her antidepressant – made worse because she already had obsessive thinking, then the obsessive thinking was channeled into constantly thinking of food, then she gained tons of weight. Not to mention that since her gall bladder surgery, eating as much as she started eating due to obsessing made her feel ill most of the time, and it all led to self-loathing. It was a horrible cycle. We think she’s finally on a good path with some changes in medication, including adding something hat works for her in controlling those obsessive thoughts about food (and obsessive thoughts in general). It wore me out just walking with her through these issues, so I can imagine how hard it was for her, and for you if it’s anything like what you’re dealing with. Hugs to you as you keep moving forward. Your deliberate smiles are such a good idea.

  6. Glynis Jolly says:

    I’m pretty sure someone has suggested this but I’m going to tell you about it anyway. Carry water with you everywhere, and drink it when you feel hungry. With me, there are days when I’m not feeling the hunger at all. Then there are those other days when I might go through four liters of water on top of the coffee or tea I drink. I think the reason this works for me is that there’s the hand to mouth action when I bring the bottle up to drink, the feeling of something going down the tube to my stomach, and my stomach feeling it has something in it even though it’s just water. Sure, a couple more bathroom trips but I’m not eating except at meal times.

  7. reocochran says:

    Wow, your list of happy thoughts is a great set! I liked your family being together and your son moving into his first solo apt. Sunshine is always great for me, too. I am one who gets cocoon like due to wanting to leave work and put on pajamas. 🙂

  8. Gallivanta says:

    Glad you have reached a decision about the Missouri house. A weight temporarily off your shoulders.

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