I’m rapidly approaching another date with the donut machine (CT scan). I should really be on a yearly schedule by now but I’m still on an every 6th month schedule. Unfortunately, one of them always happens right before Christmas—I’m going to ask if I can tweak the schedule for the next year.
Anyway, as I was going about my business today, a song by Nickelback titled, If Today Was Your Last Day, played through my mind.
If today was my last day would I still be in my jammies at 11:00 in the morning? Would I change those litter pans again? Would I catch up on the ironing? Would I clean the toilets?
Other than the jammie thing, the answers would be no….if I knew today was my last day. But I don’t know, do I?
I would like to live as if today was my last day and enjoy each and every second, but there are moments we have to do what we have to do and some of them are mundane and not so pleasant. Why do my days seem to be centered around crap containers?
Anyway….I’m seeing a side of myself I don’t believe I’ve been paying attention to. A good person with troubled thoughts at times.
I need a bit of time to gather my thoughts. I know my blog is full of random topics, but I think I need to change some things, because the positive side of me is much larger than the dark things I write about. Both make me a whole person but I have more good than bad now.
If today was my last day, I want the words I leave behind to be different from the ones I have so far. I’ve made some poor choices during periods of untreated depression and have to live with the consequences, but I don’t want to whine about them—the whining holds me back. I’m learning how to like myself after decades of hating myself. That was then, this is now. I have an illness, the illness does not have me. (how’s that for a few cliches?)
I will be reading as I regroup.