I don’t know how to begin this post, so I will write from the heart and not worry if I am producing a brilliant piece of writing. I know that writing is not my calling in life and I don’t pretend to be writer. My hope is that something I write gives another a bit of hope to seek the help they need to really live. I have suffered from clinical depression most of my life. Would I change any of that?
mmmm…..maybe no. I am who I am because of how I interpreted life. The only thing I would change is learning how to live with depression at a much younger age. I have finally begun to stop beating myself up and I’m not allowing my learned emotional reactions to stop holding my logical or normal responses hostage. This isn’t an easy task.
I have made many poor choices throughout my life but it doesn’t matter because I have lessons to carry with me for the rest of my life.
I’m not even sure why I feel the need to write this except for clarification. I have depression and anxiety and I live in spite of it. Just as everyone, people who cut me off in traffic or act rude and insensitive, make me mad. But that’s normal. What isn’t normal is allowing it to ruin a day….which I don’t do.
When I say I have had a rough week, it doesn’t mean I’m slipping back into the hole I had created. I’m not even teetering on the edge. The reason being, I have the proper help and some patient people who support me.
However, bad habits are hard to break. I spent almost a half a century nitpicking my personality. I don’t see changing this behavior overnight but I am working hard to change my thinking. You know what? It’s physically exhausting, and that surprised me.
Another casualty of my experience with depression is the lack of wanting to do ‘anything’. All the cleaning and organizing in our home has taken a huge hit over the last 6 years. I’m playing catch up and that’s what I’m struggling with….being overwhelmed.
I don’t expect to be happy all the time as much as I don’t expect to be unhappy/depressed all the time. I know what to watch for and when to seek further help. Either way, there is something I can find each day which makes life pleasant. Whether it’s the smell of my morning coffee, watching the sun rise, the feel of my cat’s fur….there is something I can find even when I’m struggling to break old habits.
Do I have bad days?
Yes, don’t you?