Living in Spite of….

hmmm….

I don’t know how to begin this post, so I will write from the heart and not worry if I am producing a brilliant piece of writing. I know that writing is not my calling in life and I don’t pretend to be writer. My hope is that something I write gives another a bit of hope to seek the help they need to really live. I have suffered from clinical depression most of my life. Would I change any of that?

mmmm…..maybe no. I am who I am because of how I interpreted life. The only thing I would change is learning how to live with depression at a much younger age. I have finally begun to stop beating myself up and I’m not allowing my learned emotional reactions to stop holding my logical or normal responses hostage. This isn’t an easy task.

I have made many poor choices throughout my life but it doesn’t matter because I have lessons to carry with me for the rest of my life.

I’m not even sure why I feel the need to write this except for clarification. I have depression and anxiety and I live in spite of it. Just as everyone, people who cut me off in traffic or act rude and insensitive, make me mad. But that’s normal. What isn’t normal is allowing it to ruin a day….which I don’t do.

When I say I have had a rough week, it doesn’t mean I’m slipping back into the hole I had created. I’m not even teetering on the edge. The reason being, I have the proper help and some patient people who support me.

However, bad habits are hard to break. I spent almost a half a century nitpicking my personality. I don’t see changing this behavior overnight but I am working hard to change my thinking. You know what? It’s physically exhausting, and that surprised me.

Another casualty of my experience with depression is the lack of wanting to do ‘anything’. All the cleaning and organizing in our home has taken a huge hit over the last 6 years. I’m playing catch up and that’s what I’m struggling with….being overwhelmed.

I don’t expect to be happy all the time as much as I don’t expect to be unhappy/depressed all the time. I know what to watch for and when to seek further help. Either way, there is something I can find each day which makes life pleasant. Whether it’s the smell of my morning coffee, watching the sun rise, the feel of my cat’s fur….there is something I can find even when I’m struggling to break old habits.

Do I have bad days?

Yes, don’t you?

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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19 Responses to Living in Spite of….

  1. meANXIETYme says:

    Yes, this is something I also struggle with. I find myself clarifying for others that what I’m feeling is normal so that THEY don’t start worrying about me. Then again, I have also asked for confirmation from those who support me as to whether something is “normal” or not. I find myself feeling somewhat proud when I can recognize that what I’m feeling is “normal” and not a decline into anxiety and/or depression.
    We live, we learn, we grow.

  2. Gallivanta says:

    I am not depressed but the reason I haven’t been around lately is that I am totally overwhelmed by the mess in this house. Because of the earthquakes and their aftermath nothing much has been done around here for 5 years. So sending sympathetic thoughts from one overwhelmed person to another. ;).

  3. I have been down with a clinical depressions for years and it is very tough to find the light and come back to life again. It demands a lot of hard work, but it is possible. We do all have good and less good days April and you are doing so much to find yourself again πŸ˜€

  4. aviets says:

    I’m having more “bad” days lately. I’m wondering if it’s the onset of a bad year for SAD, or the freaky pre-menopausal hormones, or both. But there are days when I just don’t care about anything. It helps to read your honest post about your rough days – I can try to follow your example and try not to let those setbacks set me too far back.

    • April says:

      Well….I can certainly empathize with you. Perimenopause with any sort of depression is like a double whammy. Hoping for a sunny winter for you.

  5. Don says:

    As I have said before, you’re an extremely inspiring person and brave, April. Your journey through life I’m sure has inspired many.

  6. Yes. I suspect we all have bad days. I know I do. I appreciate your words, you wrote them quite well I think. I value your journey, so thank you for sharing it.

  7. Glynis Jolly says:

    You’ve summed it all up so well, April. Do I detect you liking yourself? ❀

  8. mewhoami says:

    You are right. We all have bad days. For some, those days can be worse than for others, but we all have them. Good for you for accepting that it’s made you who you are and being okay with that. Also, because of what you’ve gone through, you can now help others who may never have found help otherwise.

    • April says:

      I hope I can encourage them to find their own professional path to happiness. Sometimes we need a little help to get us back on our feet.

  9. reocochran says:

    I consider your writing at a great level, April. I caught that and wanted to pass on my opinion. You show humor, give us everyday experiences (like home improvement projects) with a twist, you show us “cute” in dog with his antlers or bunny ears or telling us about the fuzzy fur on your cat. But, most importantly, you share your road with us and also, listen to our up’s and down’s.

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