Ha! What’s that you say?

Many aha moments have happened during or after my therapy sessions. Anxiety, and expecting to have zero anxiety, is one of my lessons of enlightenment. I have overcome quite a bit of anxiety–not all–but I can manage some situations I couldn’t before.

Progress.

The unhealthy mind can travel to many dark places. A world of fear, despair, and hopelessness is created, and it’s hard to find a way out. I have learned how to separate the feelings of grief from feelings of worthlessness. I have had a lot of grief intertwined with major clinical depression and they were feeding off each other. I wasn’t able to grieve naturally nor manage depression.

Logically I know I have thoughts that sound absolutely silly when I’m discussing them with my therapist. In fact, some of my beliefs make me laugh out loud.

So, why do I have them when I logically know my mind is filled with falsehoods?

I have spent over 50 years telling myself the same old crap. Words that childhood friends used which stung—I began saying them over and over in my mind. I believed their words to be my truth.

Recently I discovered that I could stand in front of a mirror and repeat positive affirmations all day, but I can never say enough of them because I don’t believe. They are merely words because I don’t love the one person who deserves my love the most—me. To love, I must emit love.

Okay, I’m not going to go all philosophical on y’all because that isn’t me either.

All I know is that I have an idea about myself that isn’t true. The idea sabotages my efforts to become fit, to eat healthy meals, to make myself presentable, to get out of bed, and brush my teeth. I doubt everything positive I’m told even though I know them to be true. Am I expecting to hear the same positive things over and over until I believe them? If so, that will never happen because I have a louder voice of negativity holding my thoughts hostage.

I’m not really looking for the why I do this, I’m looking for the how to change. I must conquer the Ms-Hates-Herself-And-All-That-She-Is because I have some tonnage to shed and some wild eyebrows to tame.

—-Please note, I’m not in a depressed state. In fact, I’m quite satisfied with life at the moment. I’m just thinking things through and learning that I am a good person. That it’s okay if I appreciate who I am and what I do. While going through the process of examining what I’m telling myself, it makes me contemplative and I kind of shut myself off from the world while I work through new thought processes.

All is good, I’m just using my noggin’ in a positive way by letting the words flow through the blog. And possibly I’m repeating but apparently that’s what I need.

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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15 Responses to Ha! What’s that you say?

  1. I completely understand what you mean about shutting yourself off from the world while you work through stuff. I’m in a bit of that mindset myself these days. Sometimes I start feeling bad for that, but then I remember, I can jump back in anytime I choose. All the best as you continue on your path.

  2. Sometimes we have to withdraw and find ourselves hidden beneath all the debris life had thrown our way..

    I did lots of Mirror work on myself and left myself notes around the house in positive affirmations.. It helped me heal after my nervous breakdown in the 90’s xx Louise Hays You can heal your life helped a lot. xxx ❤

  3. Elouise says:

    Hi, April. I can relate to where you are. I find that if I miss doing something ‘small’ in my day–like brushing my teeth!–it can get me into a pattern of not taking care of myself that day. Which isn’t about self-talk, except for the part that has to keep reminding me to do the next good thing I need to do. Like eating. Or going for a walk. The downhill slope is really steep and fast. I figure brushing my teeth is a sign that I love myself–even though I don’t feel that way. I even try smiling at myself in the mirror–which actually helps! 🙂
    Sending smiles your way!
    Elouise

  4. reocochran says:

    You know where you are and where you have been, April. Good to know yiu are okay right now. Day at a time, or living moment to moment. I can imagine some of what you describe but my bad habits are I sometimes give myself sink baths and wash hair in kitchen sink. I am not understanding why; but I don’t feel like taking showers. I think it is partially my feeling ‘down’ about no special guy to get dressed up for. Kids and grandies don’t care and certainly warehouse people expect a disheveled look. Not the same level of unloving myself as you may go through but maybe able to relate. I am looking at my own “self hate,” now I will work on my positive affirmations.

    • April says:

      🙂 Did you know….I used to work in a warehouse? I worked in the office producing orders but many times I worked in the warehouse picking those orders, labeling them, and taking inventory. I could wear what I wished and many times chose the dress slacks or dresses. Then….I started wearing sweatshirts and t-shirts. And thus began my wardrobe I currently have filling my closet…t-shirts and jeans.

      • reocochran says:

        It is interesting how connections happen, April. Probably I have mentioned my job before but never were we on “the same page.”
        I am excited to know this. Thanks for sharing what you did at the warehouse you used to work at, April.
        I look in the mirror and either simply “cringe,” or ignore my self hate words rolling around my head. There will lots of times I am happy, especially with the grandkids and family.
        I wanted to let you know here and not make a big deal om.my post, my Mom fell on slippery wet grass down a steep incline with her little dog, Nicki. She shattered her hip bone on Sat and on Sunday had surgery where he said UT was like a jigsaw puzzle he connected with titanium to hold it together and make it strong. I was able to go visit and stay a few days. Needed to get back, since had used 4 days when son’s baby was born 2 weeks plus a couple of days ago. 🙂

        • April says:

          Oh no! I hope your mom has a speedy recovery. I worry about my mom, she is so far away. Maybe, one day, she will decide to move closer to us?

  5. And the benefits of writing and processing work again. 🙂

  6. Glynis Jolly says:

    April, I know exactly what you’re talking about. Even my poor mother tried and still tries to make me realize my worth. Yet, somehow I’m quite certain I don’t measure up to the norm despite the achievements I’ve made thus far during my life. What’s most exasperating is there aren’t any mean kids to blame it on either. Although I was one of the quiet ones in school, no one gave me a bad time. (Well, almost no one, but those were idiots and everyone knew it.)

    If I go by the way you write now, yes, you are much better now. You really seem to be liking yourself. Isn’t it wonderful to have yourself as your best friend? ❤

  7. mewhoami says:

    You’re right – instead of telling us why we should love ourselves, people should tell us how. Talking to ourselves in the mirror may be entertaining, but how often does it really help? What we really need is a complete change of perspective and that comes from within. A realization of the wonderful and deserving person that we are, instead of the undeserving person we think we are. I think writing about it helps. At least you can see this in yourself and understand that it needs to change. Baby steps.

    • April says:

      I think I had to get to “the right kind of mad”. I refuse to live any more of my life hating myself and dragging myself down. One baby step at a time!

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