Many aha moments have happened during or after my therapy sessions. Anxiety, and expecting to have zero anxiety, is one of my lessons of enlightenment. I have overcome quite a bit of anxiety–not all–but I can manage some situations I couldn’t before.
The unhealthy mind can travel to many dark places. A world of fear, despair, and hopelessness is created, and it’s hard to find a way out. I have learned how to separate the feelings of grief from feelings of worthlessness. I have had a lot of grief intertwined with major clinical depression and they were feeding off each other. I wasn’t able to grieve naturally nor manage depression.
Logically I know I have thoughts that sound absolutely silly when I’m discussing them with my therapist. In fact, some of my beliefs make me laugh out loud.
So, why do I have them when I logically know my mind is filled with falsehoods?
I have spent over 50 years telling myself the same old crap. Words that childhood friends used which stung—I began saying them over and over in my mind. I believed their words to be my truth.
Recently I discovered that I could stand in front of a mirror and repeat positive affirmations all day, but I can never say enough of them because I don’t believe. They are merely words because I don’t love the one person who deserves my love the most—me. To love, I must emit love.
Okay, I’m not going to go all philosophical on y’all because that isn’t me either.
All I know is that I have an idea about myself that isn’t true. The idea sabotages my efforts to become fit, to eat healthy meals, to make myself presentable, to get out of bed, and brush my teeth. I doubt everything positive I’m told even though I know them to be true. Am I expecting to hear the same positive things over and over until I believe them? If so, that will never happen because I have a louder voice of negativity holding my thoughts hostage.
I’m not really looking for the why I do this, I’m looking for the how to change. I must conquer the Ms-Hates-Herself-And-All-That-She-Is because I have some tonnage to shed and some wild eyebrows to tame.
—-Please note, I’m not in a depressed state. In fact, I’m quite satisfied with life at the moment. I’m just thinking things through and learning that I am a good person. That it’s okay if I appreciate who I am and what I do. While going through the process of examining what I’m telling myself, it makes me contemplative and I kind of shut myself off from the world while I work through new thought processes.
All is good, I’m just using my noggin’ in a positive way by letting the words flow through the blog. And possibly I’m repeating but apparently that’s what I need.