Dr. Chill has had a theory since I began seeing her several years ago. She believes my depression stems from the fact that I hate myself.
While I believe I need to shed more than a pound or two, I don’t hate how I look. Until the shower debacle, I had no doubts in what I could attempt to learn. Oh! By the way, I learned how to build a shower pan thanks to Sonny. 🙂 Deep down, I know that I’m a nice, compassionate, empathetic person.
For as long as I can remember, I have told myself I wasn’t worthy, I was mean and spiteful. Unloveable. Difficult to be around. Bossy. I told this to myself until I believed it as fact. I acted in ways to reinforce this type of thinking.
Don’t you realize I know this is skewed thinking?
I am fully aware that I dug a hole of worthlessness and I haven’t figured out how to climb out of it.
My mind wanders at times to how bad I am, and I have learned how to stop that type of thinking, I simply haven’t learned to replace my focus with thoughts of being worthy of breathing the same air all the good people do.
You see, I can logically see the illogical thoughts, but I don’t know how to reverse them.
I’m striving to repeat as many positive affirmations until I believe them as my truth, but it appears to be taking more time than I feel I have.
I know that I’m not the same person as I was, I’m better—I just don’t fully embrace it as my truth.
I know that I am…..
I just don’t feel I am….