It’s Because I Hate Who I Am

Dr. Chill has had a theory since I began seeing her several years ago. She believes my depression stems from the fact that I hate myself.

While I believe I need to shed more than a pound or two, I don’t hate how I look. Until the shower debacle, I had no doubts in what I could attempt to learn. Oh! By the way, I learned how to build a shower pan thanks to Sonny. πŸ™‚ Deep down, I know that I’m a nice, compassionate, empathetic person.

For as long as I can remember, I have told myself I wasn’t worthy, I was mean and spiteful. Unloveable. Difficult to be around. Bossy. I told this to myself until I believed it as fact. I acted in ways to reinforce this type of thinking.

Don’t you realize I know this is skewed thinking?

I am fully aware that I dug a hole of worthlessness and I haven’t figured out how to climb out of it.

My mind wanders at times to how bad I am, and I have learned how to stop that type of thinking, I simply haven’t learned to replace my focus with thoughts of being worthy of breathing the same air all the good people do.

You see, I can logically see the illogical thoughts, but I don’t know how to reverse them.

I’m striving to repeat as many positive affirmations until I believe them as my truth, but it appears to be taking more time than I feel I have.

I know that I’m not the same person as I was, I’m better—I just don’t fully embrace it as my truth.

I know that I am…..

I just don’t feel I am….

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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27 Responses to It’s Because I Hate Who I Am

  1. meANXIETYme says:

    I get this very much because I know I think bad thoughts about myself. I try to remember the good things I do and how I try really hard to be helpful and compassionate to others. But deep down, I still have those feelings of self-hate…too mean, too bossy, too selfish, too angry, too quick to judge. Logically I know I’m NOT those things and there’s probably not one person in my life who would agree with those things about me, but illogically I can’t get rid of the thoughts. Still working on stopping the self-hating thoughts and replacing them with good ones. Not something I’ve brought up with my therapist, though I’m sure I will at some point.

    I hope you find some peace on this subject sooner rather than later. It’s a tough one because it becomes so ingrained in your head…

  2. aviets says:

    Peace to you. I LOVE who you are.

  3. “I know that I am…..I just don’t feel I am….” will resonate with so many of us. Which is why we have to keep reminding each other that we ARE. And hopefully the belief within each of us will grow. You are not alone πŸ™‚

    • April says:

      In a way I’m happy I know this about myself. Recognizing it is one step closer to changing my focus. It’s not a fun group to be a part of.

  4. carol garner says:

    aviets stated my thoughts…I wish I could be more like you ,one person who can knit up a pair of soxs whlle doing dry wall in the bathroom and having such a great relationship with your kids..xoxoxo

    • April says:

      Aww…thanks. I know I can DO and I’m proud of my accomplishments, it’s how I view myself. But that’s going to change…I’m working on it.

  5. Gallivanta says:

    I don’t know why we have these hole-digging tendencies, instead of ladder building ones. Keep climbing. πŸ™‚

  6. “I can logically see the illogical thoughts, but I don’t know how to reverse them” April this seems to be an anthem that many could live by. You’re pretty wise, you know, you are.

  7. reocochran says:

    I feel bad when you use hate about the period of time you were coping the best you could. I love you, as a friend, will listen and believe in you. No matter what. My absences are due to not staying on top of blogging; not lack of caring. πŸ™‚ xo

    • April says:

      I don’t hate my life, but the way my brain thinks about myself–it creates a lot of self-sabotage. I’m working to get rid of it. πŸ™‚

  8. Knowing, and believing are two different things…and for me, I even use the failure of not being ABLE to believe as a flaw and therefor another affirming reason I must be unworthy and unlovable (my personal mental version of ‘bad’). Hear you loud and clear. 😦

    • April says:

      It’s not a fun club to belong to. I’m hoping I can learn to let some of it go because it hampers my growth. I hope you find some relief as well.

  9. You are so much on the right way April. You have so many skills, as many other only can admire and not do themselves. You are good enough, I’m very happy for having you as a friend in here and I can easily see, how much personal development you have been through just in this time.

    • April says:

      I will never give up on myself. I believe I can change the way I think about myself, I’m just not sure how to get there. Hopefully my therapist will be able to help.

      • You can start trying this I wrote in the other message about breathing and relaxing in same time. If possible, stay in a beautiful and/or peaceful place, while you do it. This will support you too.

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