So, here’s the thing

I’m reading a book titled, The Mindful Way through Depression by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal and Jon Kabat-Zin.

As much as my medications have helped me reach a place I feel worthy of enjoying myself, one particular medicatication sucks the me right out of me. It takes most of my sense of humor. I keep to myself. I isolate myself.

One passage in the book was one of the best ways to describe depression as it happens in my mind. I hope this answers some questions others may have about why we can’t snap out of it.

The following is the passage…..

When depression starts to pull us down, we often react, for very understandable reasons, by trying to get rid of our feelings by suppressing them or by trying to think our way out of them.

In the process we dredge up past regrets and conjure up future worries. In our heads, we try out this solution and that solution, and it doesn’t take long for us to start feeling bad for failing to come up with a way to alleviate the painful emotions we are feeling.

We get lost in comparisons of where we are versus where we want to be, soon living almost entirely in our heads. We become preoccupied. We lose touch with the world, with the people around us, even with those we most love and those who most love us.

We deny ourselves the rich input of the full experience of living.

It’s no wonder that we get discouraged and may wind up feeling that there is nothing we can do.

Yup, I try to fix myself, and am frustrated when things don’t work the way I envision.

I have spent quite a bit of time observing and challenging my thoughts. I have found many thoughts or beliefs that are not worthy of my limited brain power and I must not waste any more time on them.

However, there is that one medication I have always had problems with. The one which eventually makes me flat. No personality, just flat. When that happens, I quit taking the medication and the longest I’ve made it without another full blown case of clinical depression is 8 months.

I’m working with my pill pusher to remove this one medication, and the one to counteract the effects of the original one, from my daily regimen so that I can live up to my full potential, not a version of me with a flat personality.

Some will give up.

I’m not one of them.



About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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16 Responses to So, here’s the thing

  1. ecteedoff says:

    Thank you for sharing that passage – it’s so on the point. I have found whenever I am on medications that are lifting my depression, my creativity goes right out the window. I know a lot of people with bipolar that complain about this as well and a lot of them refuse to take medications for this reason. It’s sad to not be creative – it was something I enjoy. But now when I sit down with my supplies, my mind comes up blank. Still, I know that at the end of the day, the good outweighs the bad. I have a family member who is in severe pain and it makes him prone to anger. The medications help but they also give him side effects that make him feeling sleepy, slightly sluggish, etc. but his anger decreases. I know this is a big debate but at least for me, the side effects I get, and I have a lot, I try to believe, are worth the lack of extreme constant hatred and pain. But it can be difficult to feel like you are losing a part of yourself. Maybe we just have to find a new version of it inside ourselves – whether it is your humour or my creativity. I guess it’s part of the process? Or is it something we lose but make up with other gains? That, I don’t really know.

  2. I remember the day I wanted to cry and Couldn’t. I was terrified that the med had numbed the sad right out of me and that terrified me more than the depression. So I quit. It hasn’t been an easy ride, and I’ve had to use more anti-anxiety to compensate, but very worth it for me.

    • April says:

      I kind of judge my “well being” on whether I can laugh or cry. I have crying down, the laughter is there but I don’t see as much humor as I used to. It’s there…I just have to find a way to tap into it.

  3. mewhoami says:

    I’ve witnessed “flat personalities” as a result of medications and it’s sad even to watch. So I can’t imagine how much worse it must be for the person who’s actually experiencing it. It’s good that you’re trying to get off that one. Some meds just make matters worse. There’s got to be an alternative.

    • April says:

      I’m searching for an alternative. I’m starting with a diet change and some exercise (again). I have to do it this time because I want no more lectures from my primary torturer.

  4. reocochran says:

    I hear this from my friend, Patrice who lives in Mississippi. She feels when she is ‘off her meds’ she can do wonders, plenty of energy but she is also afraid that people around her don’t like this ‘manic’ side to her. She has actually labeled her medicated self, at least once to me, as ‘flat,’ too. April, I hope and pray that you will find a good balance in your meds and I admire how you focus often on positives that make us all smile and sometimes, laugh out loud. Hugs!

    • April says:

      My doctor has told me that I may not have to live on them the rest of my life, but if I do I will be okay with being flat. I just have to try a little harder and give myself some slack. 😀

  5. You are a warrior April!!!!

  6. Glynis Jolly says:

    I don’t know which one of the four authors write that passage but whoever he/she is, he/she is brilliant.

  7. Jay says:

    Ugh, medication is so difficult. It never affects people the same way, so yes, individuals have to be their own guinea pigs, as if they aren’t going through enough already! But do stick with it. Finding something to come out of a depression is great, but it’s not enough. You want to get back to being you.

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