Tis a cancer post I’ll be writing today in case you want to scroll on by
Two weeks until I have my bi-annual CT scan.
One week and one day until the fourth anniversary of the surgery to remove my cancer.
Three years of working with Dr. Chill to remove the fear I have with each scan. I almost had the majority of my anxiety controlled until suspicious lesions appeared on the three year post-op scan.
Just as I was ready for my party hat and noise maker, thinking I would now follow an annual scan schedule, I was smacked upside the head with a three month follow up scan of the little booger lesions.
I continue to have bi-annual scans.
I continue to obsess over my scans.
I fear that doughnut machine—especially when I receive the toxic dye.
I fear the face of my oncologist and her perky chit-chat before she announces the results.
I don’t mind being a statistic when it comes to the number of redheads worldwide, but I hate being a statistic regarding my longevity based upon my cancer status.
I enjoy the fact that I’m learning to live in the present moment, and it makes me mad when the invasive thoughts ruin that for me. My mouth dries, my stomach churns, my mind is distracted, my palms sweat, my heart races, my body thinks it doesn’t need much sleep. My interactions with others are marred by my irritability.
I know that at this particular moment, the information I have is that I’m healthy. I will remain this way until I’m told otherwise….
…..and two tears run from each eye.
pssst….I’m not feeling sorry for myself, just releasing some of the anxiety and hoping it helps.