I just wanted to add a little disclaimer here. This is my personal view regarding my personal journey with anxiety. We all have our own techniques to deal with it.
My journey with anxiety has many ups and downs. I think I have it mostly licked until something smacks me upside the head. I begin a cycle starting with anxiety > being mad at myself > beating myself up for being a baby > telling myself I can’t do anything right and that I’m stupid > depression > more anxiety > depression > more depression > I’m a failure > anxiety—and I continue the cycle until I’ve isolated myself and fight to get out of bed each day.
The negative thoughts, low self-esteem, and lack of confidence are what bring me to depression, more times than not it starts will feelings of anxiety. Stopping the cycle is still a challenge for me but I am making small steps toward this journey of recovery. There are more and more days free of anxiety which lead me to think I’ve mastered it. Then I receive a Whoa Nellie! you’re not done with anxiety just yet.
Several days from now, I’m interrogating a new pulmonologist. I’m due for a follow-up which should have been scheduled months ago. My current lung doctor is simply not to be trusted in my mind. Let’s just say we have a conflict of personalities.
The new doctor requested that I have a breathing test before my visit. He has offices closer to my territory, but the breathing tests are performed in an office about an hour’s drive from us. Thankfully, it’s in the opposite direction of the city. whew
However, I was driving to a new area which is one of my anxiety triggers. The sick to my stomach-sweaty palms-heart racing-panic-feeling as if I can’t breathe-can’t sleep-obsessive thoughts-kind of feeling. The type of feeling which usually prompts me to bring along a babysitter, or cancel the appointment/event.
I drove to the office and back–in the rain–and the only physical symptom was the tense posture I held my body.
I have setbacks on my journey, and while I was so proud of myself for making it to my appointment on time, I had to stop by that freakin’ CANCER CENTER (echo, echo, echo) to pick up copies of my ct scans I’ve had since 2011.
As I was leaving the building with thoughts of my next stop, a ‘loud’ thought interrupted me.
I’m going to end up in the hospital soon.
Is it a premonition? Was I letting the anxiety over my health status control my thoughts? Is it simply a negative thought process I’ve lived with most of my life? Was I a little freaked because the cancer center is among the hospital compound and the area was bustling with activity? Where did that thought come from?
Will I let my anxiety control me?
The decision is mine.