J is for Journey

I just wanted to add a little disclaimer here. This is my personal view regarding my personal journey with anxiety. We all have our own techniques to deal with it.

My journey with anxiety has many ups and downs. I think I have it mostly licked until something smacks me upside the head. I begin a cycle starting with anxiety > being mad at myself > beating myself up for being a baby > telling myself I can’t do anything right and that I’m stupid > depression > more anxiety > depression > more depression > I’m a failure > anxiety—and I continue the cycle until I’ve isolated myself and fight to get out of bed each day.

The negative thoughts, low self-esteem, and lack of confidence are what bring me to depression, more times than not it starts will feelings of anxiety. Stopping the cycle is still a challenge for me but I am making small steps toward this journey of recovery. There are more and more days free of anxiety which lead me to think I’ve mastered it. Then I receive a Whoa Nellie! you’re not done with anxiety just yet.

Several days from now, I’m interrogating a new pulmonologist. I’m due for a follow-up which should have been scheduled months ago. My current lung doctor is simply not to be trusted in my mind. Let’s just say we have a conflict of personalities.

The new doctor requested that I have a breathing test before my visit. He has offices closer to my territory, but the breathing tests are performed in an office about an hour’s drive from us. Thankfully, it’s in the opposite direction of the city. whew

However, I was driving to a new area which is one of my anxiety triggers. The sick to my stomach-sweaty palms-heart racing-panic-feeling as if I can’t breathe-can’t sleep-obsessive thoughts-kind of feeling. The type of feeling which usually prompts me to bring along a babysitter, or cancel the appointment/event.

I drove to the office and back–in the rain–and the only physical symptom was the tense posture I held my body.

I have setbacks on my journey, and while I was so proud of myself for making it to my appointment on time, I had to stop by that freakin’ CANCER CENTER (echo, echo, echo) to pick up copies of my ct scans I’ve had since 2011.

As I was leaving the building with thoughts of my next stop, a ‘loud’ thought interrupted me.

I’m going to end up in the hospital soon.

Is it a premonition? Was I letting the anxiety over my health status control my thoughts? Is it simply a negative thought process I’ve lived with most of my life? Was I a little freaked because the cancer center is among the hospital compound and the area was bustling with activity? Where did that thought come from?

Will I let my anxiety control me?

The decision is mine.

 

 

 

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
This entry was posted in 2015 A-Z Blog Challenge, Anxeity and Depression and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to J is for Journey

  1. aviets says:

    Well done, making it through that day. I hope you gave yourself a big reward for that!

  2. meANXIETYme says:

    Excellent for the accomplishment! I know how you feel because health anxiety and driving in the rain are two of my triggers.
    The intrusive thoughts are also an issue for me. I’ve often obsessed on whether the thoughts are premonitions or just intrusive thoughts. Best way I’ve dealt with that is history…how often have my “premonitions” been right? Not very often. That’s how I work my way past those thoughts these days.
    Also, choco banana gelato…YUM. 🙂

  3. reocochran says:

    I hope that your thought was not a premonition nor any kind of possible future episode. Your humor in the midst of this, (echo, echo, echo) resonated with me: You are a survivor and you have used a great mechanism of humor amidst the anxious challenges you have faced. “Cancer” creates an echo or a frozen feeling in my body, sadly it is due to my father. Gratefully, hoping my Mom will die in her sleep in the future, easily and peacefully. I don’t want her to go into the darkness without a dream of pleasant times. . .

    • April says:

      I really hate going to the cancer center. The sign is HUGE, and they charge the cancer patients to park. I hope my thought was just a kind of memory and that is all.

  4. I say turn that thought that it was a premonition in to telling the anxiety that you are NOT letting it be a premonition and you are telling yourself you are NOT going to picture yourself being there any time soon because there is too much chocolate banana gelato to eat and too many home DIY projects to do. 🙂

  5. Cathy Bohlae says:

    Make the right decision April. I fight that same thought (hospitalization) but it is a silly thought for the most part. I do not have the anxiety that you do but the reality is it could happen at any time. Hugs and can’t wait to see you and give you a hug! virtual hugs from me for now. And very happy you made your journey successfully but I knew you could!!!

    • April says:

      I will make the right decision. 🙂 I can’t wait to see you as well. You know tons of what I have been up to, I need some fill in with you. See you soon!

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