F is for Fear

The following made me smile:

  • the book we are using for our ‘traditional shower installation’ pointed out that after the concrete for the pre-slope of the shower cures for at least 12-hours, make sure there aren’t any high spots or dips. So…the suggestion was to sand the high spots, so I did. Of course, sanded concrete makes a fine dust—which I sat in. My husband used the shop-vac to remove said dust from my rump. He probably smiled more than I did.


Oh here you go. I knew I couldn’t completely avoid that which plagues me.

During this challenge, I’ve been trying to write about the first word to pop into my head.

….right after the one regarding depression or anxiety.

I have lived a life full of anxiety. Over the years, I found ways to avoid fear at all costs.

Sometimes we don’t even know what we are fearful of, or what is causing our anxiety at a particular moment. We just have varying degrees of horrible physical responses creating us to feel panicked, or as if we may die.

For the most of my life, my anxiety was inadequately treated. I tried to contain it with alcohol in the early years, later turning to medication prescribed by my primary doctor. However, I was missing the behavior therapy part.

If anxiety is left untreated, it will contaminate most of your thoughts.

It snowballs.


As I got older and wiser πŸ˜‰ I finally decided enough was enough. Β First I got mad because I realized how many years I have stifled myself because I was afraid, then I sought out the proper help.

I haven’t completely rid myself of anxiety, because I learned to fear the fear. I’m in the process of un-learning that negative process revolving in my mind.

I’m fed up with avoiding doing things I want to do, but too afraid to do them.

Fear, freakin’ fear.

IΒ don’t want it in my life any more!


About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
This entry was posted in 2015 A-Z Blog Challenge and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

28 Responses to F is for Fear

  1. Gallivanta says:

    Fear, freaking fear. I hear you.

    • April says:

      I wish that wasn’t something we had in common. It’s tornado season here. After seeing entire neighborhoods demolished, and two of my kids living near, I worry.

      • Gallivanta says:

        Tornado season won’t be fun at all. We were shaken awake by a small earthquake early this morning. Thankfully I was too sleepy to be scared.

        • April says:

          I hope no damage to your area. Even though we can have tornadoes any time of year, most of them happen in the Spring. I think I would live in fear if I had to be on guard the entire year living in earthquake territory. Did you have any butterflies in your garden?

          • Gallivanta says:

            Yes, yes. I had lots of monarchs this year. But they were too flighty for me to photograph. No damage from the earthquake as far as I know. Some of my pictures were on a small lean. As I said, I wasn’t scared today but there was a little niggle in the back of mind, wondering if we would have a bigger shake which has been the pattern in the past ie small followed by big.

  2. meANXIETYme says:

    I’m so glad to be learning not to fear fear. Sadly, still fighting against the anxiety that comes WITH fear, but progress is progress!
    I cannot imagine living in tornado-prone areas. I don’t think I’d be able to handle it…I’d totally just MOVE!

    • April says:

      I have to give most of the credit to my medications. They have helped me to get my head straight–if that makes sense? Of course I had to put myself through some anxiety triggering events over and over. Thinking about the lessons/tests brought on anxiety symptoms. I’m glad you are making steps. They can seem small, but they’re something. πŸ™‚

      The tornadoes? Not that I get used to them, but I’m not as afraid. I have been placing the weather alert radio in our bedroom at night. Those are the scary ones–you can’t see them coming.

      • meANXIETYme says:

        Yeah, I understand about the meds. They’re definitely helpful for a lot of people. If you can’t think in an appropriate manner, you can’t learn to readjust your thinking to help yourself.

        We’ve had a couple of tornado warnings around here in the past couple of years. So far they’ve stayed further east of us, but that’s some scary stuff. Sadly, I’m more worried about getting the dogs into our basement (where I’m pretty sure we’d be safe–most of the tornadoes around here are EF0 or EF1) with me. They’re not terribly obedient and are so big that it is difficult for me to drag them along if we’re all in a panic mode. The one time I had to do it with ONE dog (95lbs), I wasn’t too panicked at the time (we had pretty good warning), so we just went downstairs and hung out with my laptop so I could track the storm. The dog slept, I obsessed over the tracking. LOL

        • April says:

          Every day I’m thankful that I’m able to tolerate what the pill pusher has given me. Dogs and cats are hard to get in the basement. I always hope for enough warning because I can’t catch them all. I have the cat carriers in the basement so that I can stick them in there and they won’t run off if something happened. I don’t want to jinx anything but most of the tornadoes around here have been north of us or south. We were only in a direct warning path one time.

          • meANXIETYme says:

            I’m glad you’re able to handle the pills and I’m doubly glad you were able to find ones that work well for you!

            I cannot even imagine wrangling cats! At the worst, I could try using some high value treats to tempt our dogs into the basement (one of our dogs actually LOVES being in the basement…it’s so weird). And we have a baby gate on our steps (so they don’t go down alone) so at least once we’re down there, they can’t sneak back upstairs! And then there’s one room down there that is closed off from everything including windows that we could hide in if we needed that kind of safety, but I’m really doubtful it will ever come to that in our area.

            • April says:

              I hope not. Our dogs don’t get to go into the basement so when it was time to hang out, they thought they were having a special adventure.

  3. aviets says:

    That may be one of the funniest dog pictures I’ve ever seen. Not sure why – I guess it’s the great facial expression.

    And I have a feeling fear is on its way to being a relic of your past. πŸ™‚

    • April says:

      I hope so. I’m putting myself to the test again with my phobia of flying, soon. I have made it from Atlanta to Kansas City and back one time without medication. The real test is going to be going to Seattle and back–by myself. oooh…sweaty palms.

  4. Pingback: Knitting to the rescue | Mom Goes On

  5. Don says:

    You’re a very courageous woman, April.

  6. reocochran says:

    I absolutely loved this post, April! I believe you have many facets, not just one and you share them with us. Hoping you will always be brave and unafraid to be yourself!
    You know, April, I was not fearful but I was a ‘people pleaser,’ which can be very daunting and overwhelming, trying to make friends, coworkers and family all like you. I feel my challenge is similar to yours, only mine was to find out if people would like me, as I was. My ‘real’ self did not appear until I hit fifty, read a great article which helped me to ‘dump’ a few people who were not very positive nor helpful while I went through my own divorce and losing my only ‘perfect’ home which I had painted each wall some with murals, others with borders… If they could not be supportive when I had held their hand throughout all of their numerous problems, that was that! Thank God my family never was like that, they were not always saying “You are right,” but they would support my mistakes I made along the way. I know this is not exactly following your post but I was supporting YOU for feeling you can give up being afraid to be yourself. Continue as you are with any or all: anxieties, depression, humor, fantastic mother, wife, friend and ALL! Smiles, Robin

    • April says:

      I had the need to please as well. Fifty is a good age to let all that go. I wish I had learned it about 30 years earlier. πŸ™‚

  7. Anxiety is a beast and one I know all too well. Good for you for getting to the root. Your an inspiration!

    • April says:

      Thank you. πŸ™‚ I’m hoping I can manage it when challenged. There are still things that trigger anxiety issues, but I’ll keep working.

  8. You’re. Ugh. Homophones.

  9. Glynis Jolly says:

    Being a GAD sufferer myself, I question whether it’s possible to really live a life without anxiety. I’ve found that there are times when anxiety is what fuels my energy, thus I get things done. Although I’m agnostic, the Serenity Pray seems to say it all for me.

    • April says:

      Yes, the Serenity Prayer is helpful. I don’t know if all anxiety will leave, but I can at least manage it for the most part.

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