50 Shades of Depression

Ha! I just had to jump on the bandwagon using the 50 shades of headline, and this one may have been used by someone else. 😀

I have reached a particular point in my recovery from depression and I’m not sure what to do about it. It’s something I didn’t expect, and I’m not sure I have come across it in any of the self help articles or books I’ve read.

I feel lost.

I feel as if my true inner self has been like a hibernating bear. One which has been hibernating through many many winters and finally emerges into the sunlight. I have been asleep for so long, I forgot how to live.

An extremely disturbing thought I’ve had, is wishing for that non-feeling that gave me an odd sense of comfort for so long. Sounds weird? Yes, it does to me as well.

Is this why it’s so hard to fight against depression?

I’m not afraid, I simply feel like I’m in a foreign country unable to understand the language or read the road signs.

I stand at another fork in the road. One side of the fork returns to depression and a way of life I became accustomed to, the other side is into the unknown.

I’m a person without an identity.

I will take the path to forge ahead, because I have enough support to help me along the way. I’m accepting the fact that some things I simply can’t control and that life is full of unexpected occurrences.

I’m ready for them.

I just don’t know who I am.


About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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28 Responses to 50 Shades of Depression

  1. meANXIETYme says:

    I’ve got that feeling, too. My therapist says it’s lack of purpose. I’m still searching for the purpose that works for me. I hope you find your answer soon!

    • April says:

      aha! That’s probably why my therapist keeps prodding me to volunteer. However, I feel that if I change my struggling routine, I would create more chaos in my home, which would create more overwhelming feelings.

      • meANXIETYme says:

        Ha! Same thing from my therapist. Volunteer! Which I have done, in some small ways. But so far, it’s not in something that means a lot to me. I am concerned that if I volunteer in something really important and I can’t do it consistently because of my health that I’ll end up feeling guilty. That’s why I started volunteering with something that wasn’t incredibly important. But not “incredibly important” means it doesn’t really fulfill my “purpose” issue.
        Baby steps, though. So I’ll take it as progress that I’ve been volunteering with a community group for at least 6 months successfully. Fortunately, I do the work on my own time, so it works well with my health issues. Wish I could find a job like that! LOL

  2. What doesn’t kill us makes us who we are. Sometimes who we are isn’t easy to see from the inside. When you don’t know who you are then it’s time to play detective and figure out what your likes and dislikes, preferences and particulars are all over again. You’ll figure it out.

    • April says:

      I know what I like/love, value, what makes me happy. It’s odd, but I feel like a person who has been in a coma for 8 years, and everything has changed. Odd feeling.

      • So not so much not knowing who you are, but how you’re going to navigate situations/others with your new perspective on things?

        • April says:

          Thanks for that question! You know what? I think I’ve dug that rut of what will other people think. I seriously don’t care, because what I think they are thinking is so far removed from the truth. If that’s what is in the back of my mind, then I have some more work to do.

  3. April, you are a work in progress, as are we all. ❤

  4. aviets says:

    I can imagine what a confusing and intimidating feeling that must be. Here’s a little clue to who you are, from my perspective: a brave woman who perseveres in the face of event the hardest challenges, a loving and patient mom, and a good friend with a great sense of humor. Hope that gives you a place to start. 🙂

  5. I feel depressed and have been lately and I just hope the power gets turned back on in such cold temperatures… Good ole Duke Energy. They care more about the bill than the suffering they cause.

  6. Gallivanta says:

    Menopause can be a bit like that, wondering who this person is who no longer has pms, and high and low energy times.

  7. Forge ahead April!!!! Knowing what you like and love is a good thing. Many people don’t even know that.

  8. I think you need to start finding some dreams April and then try to figure out how to reach your dreams. You got an extra chance in life and need to find the way as you fell right for you.
    This took me long time to go back in time and try to remember which dreams I had once, then think about if I still had same dreams or new did take over. But it was the work worth. Wish you all the best 🙂

  9. suzjones says:

    You do know who you are dear, it’s just hidden beneath the layers where you hid it in order to protect yourself from Hagatha. Keep asking those questions of yourself and you will find the answers. 🙂

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