One of the most beautiful sounds among the many beautiful sounds in our world, is that of falling rain. However, when it is accompanied by snoring from the other side of the bed after my favorite football team lost their latest challenge, the rain has been muffled for me on this night.
I try to listen.
To block all the noise in my mind.
I feel lost and alone.
I’m wondering if being vulnerable while recovering from a depressive episode is the cause many slip back into depression. It’s a fine high wire I walk these days. I no longer hate myself, but I’m still struggling with what I’m calling the reconstruction after the war. There has been years of fallout…many years.
Every step I take is with trepidation. Recently, I lost another friend to cancer. I have been so panicked about whether or not I would fall apart should something like this happen, but other than the fact that I had to revisit my own cancer concerns, I made it through without much rumination.
An achievement, I suppose, but it has pushed me back a little.
I stand alone.
Because of what I destroyed while depressed, I am forced to stand alone. That is what I made others believe and that is what I have to live with. Hopefully, one day all the relationships I burned around the edges will be repaired.
I was strong. I didn’t want any help. I didn’t need reassurance. I didn’t need a hug just because. I was strong…pfft…I was guarded and didn’t trust myself to be so vulnerable.
Arms length was good enough for me.
Until it wasn’t.
And I stand alone.
In the rain.
The rain that should be lulling me to sleep in spite of the snoring. The thoughts of my lacking the skill to voice my needs, should be replaced with all that I have to be happy and grateful for.
Rain is beautiful to me, but tonight it’s nothing but gloomy.