The following is some pretty personal information…but then again, isn’t most of my blog? I’m hoping that someone will come across this post and send me on the path to more information.
I recently started researching existential depression.
Don’t know what it is?
Apparently, it’s not a diagnosis the field of psychology is well versed either. I read an article about existential depression, and it was as if I was reading about our oldest son’s lifetime struggles. I can’t find enough resources to help him. I know I can’t do anything but share the information I can glean, the rest is up to him. However, I need the information to share.
I know this is tugging at my mom-guilt, but imagine discovering 20 years into the future, that your kindergartner was struggling with questions about the meaning of life, what is humankind’s purpose, is this all there is?
Serious stuff for a 5-year-old, isn’t it?
I didn’t recognize that when he said he couldn’t relate well with his peers, these were the differences he was dealing with. As parents, our thoughts were that he was extremely intelligent, introverted, and the majority of his friends just wanted to play.
Not to say that our son didn’t want to play, but he had some thoughts that were far beyond his comprehension, and something his peers didn’t contemplate. Thinking that he was simply introverted was so far from the truth.
Lately, we have been having bits and pieces of conversation about religion and some of the questions he asks. The only response I could muster, is that we can’t know all the answers, which is why many turn to religion. I didn’t know it, but he has researched many religions, and not a one of them makes complete sense to him.
About four years ago he was suicidal, and thankfully sought the help of a therapist and psychologist. The therapist always told him he was being too vague, and insisted using cognitive behavior therapy with him. His psychiatrist suggested he needed psychotherapy, so he found a doctor that specialized in this area. She simply placated him, acted as if she didn’t really have the time, and her mannerisms were very stiff and controlled.
I like to think I’m an observer. My son exceeds simple observations, he is intuitive and questions everything. He sees the hokeyness in accepting or embracing the fact that we can’t know everything, this is what you should do….. you should follow these teachings…..
I feel as if I will never find satisfaction in anything I do.
Not the words of a hopeless depressed person feeling as if they are worthless. Those were the words my son used, which rocked me to my core. Please note—he didn’t use the word happiness, he used the word satisfaction. My interpretation is that he is thirsty but can’t get enough water to quench his thirst—and feels as if he never will.
This is a different form of the depression ogre.
I can almost relate to where he is coming from because I can remember a point in my adult life asking if this is all there is to life. Adult thinking that a lot of us will do at some point. Some like to call it a mid-life crisis.
This has been his entire life.
Think about that.