Even when I was so depressed that I wished I would disappear, I read inspirational quotes, articles, blogs, and part-way through some books. I was desperately searching for that proverbial light at the end of my tunnel.
Because I have a tendency to compare my life with an author’s peaceful message and how to achieve joy in life, I felt less than adequate because I couldn’t quite reach it.
I have a hunch that some of you reading this are thinking that we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others. I know that, but I did it anyway—and I kept trying to bring peace and joy back into my life.
I never gave up.
Today, this is where I stand. A spot with many different paths to choose from, leaving the path of negativity behind. It doesn’t matter which path I choose—if I find that path not working for me, there are more opportunities to change directions.
I have stepped back to examine the direction of my blog. I have no direction, and I’m okay with that. I could take my blog down a road of utter joy, beauty, and peace, but my life isn’t that way. I get my feathers ruffled over many things. Some I will write about, some not. This blog is me—the good, the bad, and the ugly.
As much as I would like to turn my blog into one of those written by a Ms. Happy Pants Never Has a Bad Day, I will not change the content of my blog. The writing would become one dimensional to me, causing me to place an expectation on myself to always be that happy pants type person, berating myself when thing go awry—something I can’t afford at this point of recovery.
I feel as if I have found some inner peace, and I’m working to let go of the anxiety over the return of that stinkin’ black dog. I’m moving forward, and I’m going to kick that dog to the curb if it gets close. Ha! As I write this, I know that the rest of my life I will have to be diligent paying attention to my moods, but I’ve got this.
In therapy, I’ve learned that reaching a goal or goals, requires small steps. Okay, logically, I know that too. For some reason, my mind didn’t want to cooperate. I wanted a perfect life as if it were a movie. It starts out bad and chaotic, but in two hours or so, all my problems would be solved. (I’m not really serious, I was never delusional, but I do have an imagination)
Unfortunately, the last two years have felt like a bad movie…one that I can only remember bits and pieces of any good scenes. However, I have adjusted my mind to stop dwelling on the bad. I have a long way to go on this road to recovery, but now I believe I can make it.
Anyway, I have had a problem of feeling on the verge of tears spilling down my cheeks. Sometimes there may be a reason behind the feeling, but most times absolutely no reason—I just feel like crying.
Recently, I was having this experience while I was towel drying my hair. Instead of trying to figure out why I felt like crying, I noticed how white the towel was when I looked in the mirror. I felt the texture of the towel. I paid attention to that funny little squeaky sound the towel made as I squished the water from my hair. The feeling passed.
Aha! I was living in the moment.
Whatta ya know.
Actually, I have found that I do this more than I believed.
So, what do I find beautiful today?
I woke up to new opportunities. I enjoyed two cups of coffee and one of those splurge-type-fru-fru coffees, I played with the grandpuppy, I enjoyed petting all the cats–mine as well as my kid’s. My daughter is here for another couple of days and she will be rooting on the Seahawks with us later today.
How about you?
I hope you find some beauty today.