eeny meeny miny moe

Even when I was so depressed that I wished I would disappear, I read inspirational quotes, articles, blogs, and part-way through some books. I was desperately searching for that proverbial light at the end of my tunnel.

Because I have a tendency to compare my life with an author’s peaceful message and how to achieve joy in life, I felt less than adequate because I couldn’t quite reach it.

I have a hunch that some of you reading this are thinking that we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others. I know that, but I did it anyway—and I kept trying to bring peace and joy back into my life.

I never gave up.

Today, this is where I stand. A spot with many different paths to choose from, leaving the path of negativity behind. It doesn’t matter which path I choose—if I find that path not working for me, there are more opportunities to change directions.

I have stepped back to examine the direction of my blog. I have no direction, and I’m okay with that. I could take my blog down a road of utter joy, beauty, and peace, but my life isn’t that way. I get my feathers ruffled over many things. Some I will write about, some not. This blog is me—the good, the bad, and the ugly.

As much as I would like to turn my blog into one of those written by a Ms. Happy Pants Never Has a Bad Day, I will not change the content of my blog. The writing would become one dimensional to me, causing me to place an expectation on myself to always be that happy pants type person, berating myself when thing go awry—something I can’t afford at this point of recovery.

I feel as if I have found some inner peace, and I’m working to let go of the anxiety over the return of that stinkin’ black dog. I’m moving forward, and I’m going to kick that dog to the curb if it gets close. Ha! As I write this, I know that the rest of my life I will have to be diligent paying attention to my moods, but I’ve got this.

In therapy, I’ve learned that reaching a goal or goals, requires small steps. Okay, logically, I know that too. For some reason, my mind didn’t want to cooperate. I wanted a perfect life as if it were a movie. It starts out bad and chaotic, but in two hours or so, all my problems would be solved. (I’m not really serious, I was never delusional, but I do have an imagination)

Unfortunately, the last two years have felt like a bad movie…one that I can only remember bits and pieces of any good scenes. However, I have adjusted my mind to stop dwelling on the bad. I have a long way to go on this road to recovery, but now I believe I can make it.

Anyway, I have had a problem of feeling on the verge of tears spilling down my cheeks. Sometimes there may be a reason behind the feeling, but most times absolutely no reason—I just feel like crying.

Recently, I was having this experience while I was towel drying my hair. Instead of trying to figure out why I felt like crying, I noticed how white the towel was when I looked in the mirror. I felt the texture of the towel. I paid attention to that funny little squeaky sound the towel made as I squished the water from my hair. The feeling passed.

Aha! I was living in the moment.

Whatta ya know.

Actually, I have found that I do this more than I believed.

So, what do I find beautiful today?

I woke up to new opportunities. I enjoyed two cups of coffee and one of those splurge-type-fru-fru coffees, I played with the grandpuppy, I enjoyed petting all the cats–mine as well as my kid’s. My daughter is here for another couple of days and she will be rooting on the Seahawks with us later today.

How about you?

I hope you find some beauty today.


About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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28 Responses to eeny meeny miny moe

  1. smilecalm says:

    perhaps i’ll find beauty on water, again πŸ™‚

  2. I get to go see another movie in the theater staring David Bowie, this time one I’ve seen before and a personal childhood favorite, The Labyrinth. I’m so excited for it that it’s verging on ridiculous. I like to create things to look forward to to help me deal with the sad feelings, to distract me from inclinations towards negativity. We all find our own ways to cope with the array of emotions that aren’t sunshine and puppies. I’m glad you’ve found some beauty today.

  3. ashleyomelia says:

    I love this post! It’s really hard to get out of that slump sometimes. And it’s very much like you said, sometimes you know things but that doesn’t mean you can just apply them to your life. It’s a process. While I’ve spent some time this morning feeling kind of grumpy, I do find beauty in the fact that both my dog and my cat are curled up with my right now. Animal therapy! πŸ™‚

  4. Put simply, April, much of progress is about wanting it and then chooisng to place one foot in front of the other. And marching forward. πŸ™‚ Enjoy picking from the paths you have to consider!

  5. I think you’re on to something April. Many things actually. Being who you are, when you are, how you are….it’s okay. If YOU want something different that’s okay too. Mindfulness, the second time I’ve seen this today. It’s a good thing. πŸ™‚

  6. mewhoami says:

    Those Mrs Happy Pants bloggers are, I bet, not nearly as happy all the time as their blogs make them out to be. I think that they write that way in an effort to help themselves into thinking more positively about their own problems in life. So I would certainly not suggest comparing ourselves to them. I’m glad that you are satisfied with where your blog is going, even if that means in no particular direction. It doesn’t have to be going anywhere. That’s what makes it your special place. It definitely doesn’t need to add additional stress. Just be you.

    • April says:

      Thanks Me. I was considering writing about only happy things, but I find it hard to imagine that life won’t anger me sometimes. I will just be me, and I think I will enjoy it for a while. πŸ™‚

  7. Glynis Jolly says:

    I loved this post, April. Yes, I do believe you’re out of the woods now and seeing life as it is. πŸ™‚ Wouldn’t it be great if it was all wonderful? Unfortunately, it isn’t, but it isn’t dull. That’s for sure. I think this next year is going to be filled with discovery.

  8. suzjones says:

    I have loved watching you evolve over the past year April. You are now in a place where you are looking for happiness and expecting to find it. Sorry if I come off as “Ms Happy Pants” at times. I’m not you know but I often write things as a reminder and a lesson to myself rather than a ‘look at me’ thing (if that makes sense).
    How does that song go? Things can only get better….

    • April says:

      I feel different, and haven’t been able to put it into words yet. I wasn’t referring to you…you are inspirational and real. You have shown me that things may not always be shiny, but we can pick ourselves up and carry on. Actually, I don’t follow any blogs that only paint one picture—bad or good. Even a storyteller gives their character more than one dimension–if they want to capture my attention. While I have been reassessing who I am, I have been straying all over the place, reading other blogs. If some are personal like mine–let’s say, they have a one dimensional life. πŸ™‚

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