I can live with ned

Last week I heard on the radio that Christmas was a week away. Wait a minute…I was just moaning about the Christmas decorations being put on the shelves at the stores before Halloween was over.

Where did the time go, and what did I do with it?

As much as those of us who have been diagnosed with cancer would love to hear the words, you’re cancer free, we receive doctor talk.

No evidence of disease.


A week ago, I had my scan.

Yesterday I received the results.


I have to pat myself on the back for not creating a big ball of anxiety. Instead of months or weeks of anxiety, I had two days of feeling sick to my stomach. I kept telling myself that I will deal with whatever the results are when I hear them.

I continue to deal with the complete drain that happens after the results are revealed. My husband and kids would like to pull out the party hats and have a jolly good time. Frankly, I would too, except that I can’t. I have to process the information. It’s a little confusing to those around me. It confuses me.

Dr. Skippy-Pants-Get-Sunshine, otherwise known as my oncologist, gave me the usual speech about how exercise is the best medicine…blah, blah.

I know that.

Then she looked me in the eye and told me to live.

She told me to quit living in 6-month increments.

She’s right, and I know that I’m not unique thinking about life in 6-month increments, I was a bit shocked when she said it. Was she reading my mind? No. Many before me, and many after me will be doing the same thing.

I’m grateful.

Very much so.

I must learn to live.

If you’d like, join me on my journey to learn to live. Not just beyond depression or anxiety, but to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Next week, I will hear that New Year’s Eve is one week away.

I will know where the time went, and what I did with it.





About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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18 Responses to I can live with ned

  1. meANXIETYme says:

    First of all…YAY for you! I had not heard the term NED before, but that is awesome. I’m so happy for you.
    It’s pretty cool that the doctor said what she did. Sometimes we have to hear stuff like that to really kick us in the pants.
    I’d like to join you on the journey to learn to live without waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s a good plan.

    • April says:

      Thanks! Now I have to have a little apology talk with my regular doctor. Last time I saw her I was in a pretty bad mood. I told her that I didn’t believe that I’m a survivor, just a cancer patient in remission. She disagreed. I have a different opinion now.

  2. reocochran says:

    Congratulations, April! NED has a different meaning forever in your life, which I will try to remember how you feel, how it is still hard not to focus on 6 months increments, and it is hard to imagine. I hope this will be a wonderful Christmas and your three children, husband and you have lots of fun! Merry Christmas and celebrate a wonderful year in 2015, every day and every moment is precious… My time flew by, too.

  3. aviets says:

    Even the best news can be hard to process. But boy, am I happy for you! Reading your post was the last thing I felt awake enough to do for today (even though it’s not even 8:30 pm – how sad is that?) and it was an excellent way to end my day. 🙂

    • April says:

      Thank you! By 8:30 I’m pretty tired, but I’ve also been waking up around 3. Falling asleep on the couch is starting to become a habit. 😀

  4. Nice to meet you NED. April’s awesome. You’ll love her! She’s got stuff to do. So be a great and forever friend. 😉

  5. Glynis Jolly says:

    I applaud you on your determination, April. My stepsister is a cancer survivor. I wonder if she does the 6-month dance. I also wonder if she waits for NED too. The next time I write to her, I’m going to ask.

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! 😀

  6. mewhoami says:

    I’m so excited and happy for you! This is wonderful news! Also, I love the idea of ‘living’. That is something that we should all do. We waste so much time living in fear of what might come that we lose on living almost entirely. Then, most of the time our fear never even comes to pass. So much wasted time. It takes practice to stop doing that though… a lot of practice.

  7. Dave says:

    That is wonderful. I know you were anxious about this. It must be such a relief to get NED. Merry Christmas!!

  8. Cathy Bohlae says:

    My dearest April, All you can do is try try try….and hopefully one of those “trys” will stick. You really do have a bunch going on. 3 kids home and getting stuff in order to move to a much smaller place (not in WA) is not my idea of doing nothing. I, too, have tons of piles that I am working on cleaning. I put them in tubbies and call it good but really just moved the pile from one place to hiding in a box somewhere.
    Just take care of you. Enjoy your daughter while she is home and your sons whom love you enough to want to live with you again at some point!!! NED is good and probably the best you are going to get for awhile so live life….Easy said then done but…..

    This is why I don’t reply often (as I could every posting of yours), I ramble but know you will be fine with my flaws!
    Love you much and hope you and yours have a great holiday season…..

    • April says:

      Oh Cathy, you don’t ramble, and I love hearing from you. The most important things I have learned over the last couple of years is that we have to live in spite of any of obstacles placed in our way. I’m learning to do that. It’s up to me to change what I can. Warm and fuzzy wishes to you during the holidays!

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