What’s in a picture?

The photos of the childhood part of my life.  I was awkward, shy, and afraid of everything.

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That’s me on the left with my brother and sister. Which now this photo makes me sad…they were part of my history, and they aren’t here any more.

 High school graduation—with a dream in my mind, and a sparkle in my eye.

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 The beginning of a new path in life.

IdoHolding my babies.

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I’m behind the camera most of the time, and my husband isn’t that steady, even in the automatic mode, so a lot of photos come out rather fuzzy, which is really okay when they’re of me.

Anyway, that means I have the pleasure of avoiding being the subject in most pictures taken. For the overly critical mind I haul around with me, not a one of them is perfect. However, I’m coming to accept this. Guess what? I’m not perfect! Who knew?

I have been rummaging through my stored photos and trying to organize them when I have time. I have enjoyed the memories while viewing them.

Unfortunately, there is the photo taken May 30, 2011–the day before I was diagnosed with cancer. I had just finished building some wooden boxes for our oldest son. The boxes would give him more storage that a twin bed mattress would fit on top of. I thought it would be of use to him while living in his fraternity house.

IMG_2265I was proud of my boxes. Frazzled, but proud. This particular photo has become a dark memory for me and overshadowed my accomplishment. When I look at this photo, I see fear, but trying to remain strong. That band around my wrist will always remind me that this was the night before life changed for me and my family.

The words, “it was cancer”, seriously was not what I had expected. Who does?

The beginning of another trip down depression lane.

The photo of Christmas 2012 with two of my kids. Deep in the grip of depression I was fighting so hard to recover from. That photo now reminds me just how determined I am, and that determination has saved my life.

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I will probably always look at those photos and have to work hard for the beauty held within them, but I will continue trying, for these photos are few.

The photos like this? Now doubt about it, they were happy memory makers.

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By the way–the were laughing really hard.

This year, we will all be together for Christmas, and I believe many beautiful memories will be made, and if I get a haircut, maybe I might look on the outside as I’ve been feeling on the inside. I wonder, a hundred years from now when one of my relatives is trying to envision what life was like for their distant relative, will they see the darkness in the same photos I see?

Hope you find some beauty today.

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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21 Responses to What’s in a picture?

  1. aviets says:

    Love, love, love these photos. I found beauty in your memories. 🙂

  2. tric says:

    I hope you make some good memories next year. You are a survivor which doesn’t at all lesson the difficult life you’ve lived interspersed with some happy times.

  3. mewhoami says:

    I don’t see darkness in your photos. They each capture such a special moment, even if it’s a life changing moment. Each one a piece of the puzzle that makes your life unique from the rest. They are beautiful pictures. Thank you for sharing them.

  4. Do supportive comments and gestures from your children ever help at all when you’re deep in depression? I know that sometimes it helps me a little when I hear kind words from others, though actions help more, but I’m never sure if that’s just me or if my continual checking in on my mom (who is always very very depressed) helps at all. Ugh that’s one of the worst things I think, about those times when the darkness is overwhelming, how it separates you from the people you love, how it separates you from being able to access feelings of love and hope and beauty. I’m glad your determination has kept pulling you back from the brink.

    • April says:

      I think they help, but whether we acknowledge or truly believe in supportive comments is the question. I think we are all unique in how we react to our experience with depression. It’s great to know that there is someone in our corner but sometimes, that isn’t even enough. For me, it’s medication, therapy, and a lot of determination. Keep making supportive comments, especially when the depression lifts.

  5. Elouise says:

    What a wonderful, unedited look at you and your life! It’s beautiful. All of it. Thanks so much, April.
    Elouise

    • April says:

      I have a lot more ugly, but I have finally let it go. I can’t change what has happened, and I now know it. There’s no sense looking back anymore–except for the lessons I’ve learned from the experiences.

  6. Glynis Jolly says:

    Now I feel like I know you. I should probably find some of my old photos and do the same thing.

  7. suzjones says:

    I didn’t see darkness in any of your photos. I saw lots of love though. ❤

  8. Kate Loveton says:

    I enjoyed looking at your photos – thanks for sharing them. I hope all of your future memories will be happy ones. 🙂

Comments are closed.