When things go bad

I am so thankful I have partial ability to step out of my mind and observe my thoughts. It’s a way of life I have been striving to achieve for 10 years.

My sister practiced mindfulness, and recommended Ekhart Tolle books. I read The Power of Now, over and over. I may as well have picked up books on The Mechanics of an Airplane. The words of Tolle were far beyond my comprehension.

All the mindful actions, books, and articles I’ve read, make total sense to me now, but I continue to find negativity, insecurity, and anxiety battling against all the positive progress I’ve accomplished.

I’m not down for the count, and I hope to never give up again.

I would absolutely LOVE to have all my kids return home and stay here forever. I would love if they got married, had kids, and we all lived in this house, but that’s not natural.

I have been berating myself for the frustration I’ve had with the boomerangs, because I didn’t want to feel that way. I WANT them here. They went off to school, came home for holidays–our oldest two chose to attend school year-round. Every time they returned to school after breaks, I had to experience the same empty nest feelings.

About yesterday’s post? I had to let it out. It’s how I learn some of my lessons, even if I over share my heart and family life through this blog. But that isn’t really different from real life, as I wear my heart on my sleeve.

What has created chaos in my sanctuary are the animals brought back with the boomerangs. The strays that looked so pitiful, they took them in and loved them. Rescuing animals is an impulse I have to control, an impulse our two boys need to learn how to control.

Sensible Girlfriend found our youngest’s animals and rescued them from horrific conditions. The treatment of the cat was the worst, but the dog wasn’t much better. She rescued them, but instead of living at her house, they were given to our son.

Of course, I love the animals, but having them live here is too much. Way too much. Both our son’s animals are causing my animals stress, which stresses me–the outsiders have to go.

Our youngest son started school in the Fall, then withdrew, saying he needed to take some time off–even though he had a full summer off. He felt like he was wasting time because he had no direction. My husband and I were disappointed that he chose this path, and have spent the last four months discussing his options–not nagging, discussing. It saved us money to have him home, but we want to watch him soar.

He has decided to go back to school, which means he will be moving closer to his school—with his little animals too. He had a taste of being independent of mom and dad, and he wants it again. He now recognizes to do that, he must either find a job which will pay more than minimum wage–to accomplish that, he needs to return to school, or work very hard to find jobs paying young people a living salary without a college degree.

Yay!

The mistake I made? I was listening to him, but I wasn’t hearing him. I know better than that, and I lost sleep over it. eye roll

Allowing our oldest to live here while he has an excellent full-time job, is inhibiting his growth as an adult. He came with two cats, one of which is a bully cat. The bully stresses my cats, which stresses me. ‘Tis time for the tough-love.

So, I will share what one day with the grandpuppy and the grandkitties is like…

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The grandpuppy did this, the bully cat is giving his approval for a job well done.

The yarn I didn’t put up.

By the way, I’m knitting things in the Seattle Seahawks colors, and neon green happens to be part of the team’s accent color.

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One of my relics the puppy found in the yard or under the deck–how could one be angry at a puppy with such a cute face.

However, she exhausts me.

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Another example of the puppy’s work. A floppy with information my brother had stored genealogy information. Not sure how I would have retrieved the information from the disc anyway, but I don’t have to worry— my brother had a problem with paper hoarding too, and I shipped it home on one of my trips to Seattle.

This is a product of my personal chaos.

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The kitty who was oh-so-helpful with fluffing the tree.

The past two years or so, I was engulfed by depression. In my personal experience, all life was ignored if I felt any anxiety start to build. Life continued even if I was ignoring it. It didn’t stop because I had no desire to participate in life anymore.

Picking up the pieces is a process, and I know I have to be kind to myself.

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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13 Responses to When things go bad

  1. aviets says:

    As much as I would love to be able to have a dog in my house, I do hope you’re able to stick with that tough love regarding the animals that have been foisted upon you. I’m sure that will be very difficult, though. Love the cat on a ladder. How can that be comfortable?

    • April says:

      Yes. We are having success. Our youngest is applying for next term, and is moving soon–with his dog and cat. Our oldest will be moving by the end of January. With his 2 cats. I found the tough love wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. It’s all in how you word things and they actually think they made the decision. 😉

  2. suzjones says:

    Hey babe. Since I’ve been out of the loop I’m sorry to rad you’re having a tough time. These adult kids of ours cause more anxiety and grey hairs than I can handle right now so I know just how you’re feeling. It’s so easy to say “look for the positives” but some day I too struggle to find them. I hope your kids find their middle ground between independence and reliance on you soon.

  3. Glynis Jolly says:

    Knowing what’s right for your kids is a guessing game. For me, it turned out that my mom knew better than I did what was best for my son. With the help of my mom, he is now a journeyman welder. I need to learn how to be more mindful. How much does that book cost? What are you going to do when the grandpets are gone?

  4. Gallivanta says:

    Oh my, look at that floppy! I have found a few lately; all intact but how I get information off them I have no idea. I guess the way the floppy looked is about the same as you have been feeling; run ragged.

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