It’s 2 am — Do you know where your mom is?

I’m pretty sure most of us have heard the phrase, be careful what you wish for–or words similar to that.

Well, I’m receiving my wish. I went to bed at 10:30 last night, and I’ve been awake since 2:00 am. So, I’m seriously going to use the extra hours until I drop.

Like a lot of us, I was wishing for more time in the day to accomplish all that I need to do, and all that I want to do.

At my last therapy session, I told my therapist that I hesitate to say that I no longer feel as depressed because I thought it may be a fluke. All I have to do is look over my shoulder and there she is—that little self-hater, fearful, worthless liar.

I explained to my theripist how I had a couple of days of over-achieving success and the more I thought about it, the more anxious I became that my psychologist’s diagnosis was correct. I allowed that anxiety to grow, until I became extremely sad and hopeless.

What if my psychologist was right–maybe I do have bipolar 2–but he also told me I have major depressive disorder. I Googled them both, and unfortunately I fall into the bipolar category. Therefore, I have to keep on my toes. I can’t allow my brain to get stuck in the muck. My therapist said I shouldn’t pathologize myself. Yes, I had to Google that too.

Lately, I have been on an over-drive binge, but have decided to go with it, knowing that my increased energy level may later result in depression. That is, if I don’t catch it before going too far into the pit.

Yesterday, I was fluffing our fake tree–you know, straightening the smooshed branches trying to emulate a real tree. We’re tree huggers, and I really don’t like to cut a tree, only to have it die in our home. Besides, our oldest is allergic to them.

Performing a perfectionist style of messing with the branches, I let my mind wander. Not to bad things, I think I was really more in the moment. While I was screwing with the backside of the tree I became overwhelmed with grief. I sat, recognized it, and let it move through me. Grieving is something I have to live with in spite of my feelings of loss. Grief can come at anytime, and there isn’t a time limit for grieving.

I resumed fluffing our tree. (I’m still fluffing the tree, by the way)

Our youngest son came home. He had been looking at apartments, and was chatting about how wonderful the apartments were.

He works an almost full-time job…less a few hours in order for the business to avoid offering insurance coverage. Minimum wage in the state of Georgia is basically poverty level.

He decided to take a couple of terms off, and last week the plan was that he would be moving back to the Seattle area in April.

While I was behind the tree, he said—“so…remember you guys said you would help with living expenses if I was going to college”? I knew where he was going. All my kids appear to have an excellent memory, but our youngest keeps a tally card, and he played it on me.

That means he’s going back to college…or saying he’s going but simply wants us to pay his living expenses away from home.

We helped with the living expenses for his siblings to attain their degrees, it made sense that we will help our youngest, and he knew it. If we did it for them, the youngest should be given fair and equal treatment. In his mind, he’s getting the short end of the stick.

More Guilt.

I knew I was going down as the visions of slowing life and moving to Missouri were drifting farther away. On the upside, we can kind of say we have a vacation home that needs some serious nicotine removal and vacations will be spent working on that house. Sounds kind of hoity toity—a vacation home. 😀

Guilt robbed me of sleep, but I’m not going to let it break me.

It means I have to look harder for beauty. It’s all gray and icky looking outside, and my animals have appeared in my daily beauty one too many times, I resorted to the photos I have taken.

The moments frozen in time. Beautiful moments.

I love small towns, and the one near us is one of my favorites. The charm of the houses and the main street makes me smile. My photography group meets in this little town. On a work session Saturday, we went out to the town square and took some photos.

6K2A1617This young man picked a bad day for singing, as the town seemed deserted on that particular morning. We were all shooting photos of him, I just had to place some money in his case…it was the least we could do for getting all up in his face. His beautiful music echoed throughout the middle of the town square.

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A place I could sit all day.

 

 

With signs such as this, so that I’m warned in advance that I should be paying attention. Surely, I would be the graceful one to fall in the dip–or over the uneven pavers. I nearly tripped over the cone with the attached sign.

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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10 Responses to It’s 2 am — Do you know where your mom is?

  1. mewhoami says:

    That makes for a very long day for you. I do hope that it is a good one though. As for the guilt, why feel guilty? He has to keep his end of the bargain too (and first), right? Too bad you couldn’t get a sound clip of the singer. I bet his playing and singing carried down the street, bringing smiles to all those who heard him.

    • April says:

      Very long, but I did find some inner peace by ignoring his puppy dog eyes. He’s a good kid, and it’s time he started making a decision which direction for his future. We all must grow up eventually, without manipulation. I think I was a bit too tired when I wrote the post. He will hold up his part of the bargain, but he has always pulled at my heartstrings when he pulls out the tally card. The day was great though. I made it through the grocery store without any without one article containing sugar.:D

  2. Guilt rarely, if ever, serves a productive purpose, April. It can be minimized, with desire and effort, especially when it is in your better interests. Stay strong!

  3. aviets says:

    I always love your photos. I can almost hear that guy singing.
    I’m hoping for peace, sleep, and positive thoughts for you in the coming hours/days/week.

  4. I hope this means you’re in for a full night’s sleep tonight. So is the youngest enrolled in college???

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