The Lady Doth Protest too Much, Methinks

Do you ever read your own blog? I do, because I started with acknowledging what I have to be grateful for. When I felt bad, I could return to the posts, and lighten my mood.

Meh, that never took place, until I started archiving some of it. I’m sure it will be something for my kids to read if they ever develop insomnia.

Around the time of the Sandy Hook Elementary School killings—by a mentally unstable person. I went off the path I was on.

I have many soapboxes I use for various issues I stand for.

One soapbox was the one I used for being the face of mental illness, my struggle to manage and live in spite of it. Which I have been doing for 40 years. I never freaked out in public–can’t say the same about home–and the thought of harming another person would never cross my mind, even in my darkest of dark days. There are many like me.

Recently, I was about to give up. I told my husband I can’t do this anymore…I wasn’t strong enough. He made me come out from under the covers, took me to the local Dairy Queen (our favorite date night place), and we ate dinner in the car–this time minus the ice cream. He told me that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for.

The next day, I had a lot going though my mind. One of them was the statement from my husband about being strong.

I am strong

I wanted to be an example of how I survive. I ย seriously don’t think it was healthy to stay in the negative thinking world, trying to convince others that many live with mental illness just as they would with any other disease.

The more I blogged about it, the less credibility I felt I had. I was actually bringing myself down just by talking about depression over and over. I wasn’t showing the strength it takes to manage mental illness.

The way I live–what gets me up in the morning–is that I know that I can tackle the day. It may not be perfect, but as long as I know I tried one little thing, I was successful.

I laugh, I pick random topics to have discussions with anyone who will engage. Not the person who looks like they are listening but are thinking about what they are going to do to get me to shut up.

And I have days I struggle to get through.

As we all do.

I feel I may have contributed to helping some understand depression a little more, but my intent was to show that I am no different than anybody else. I simply process information a bit skewed at times,ย and I’m learning how to change that.

I’m burning that particular soapbox because it is worn out. It is time to return to how I live in spite of myself.

Whew! Aren’t you happy? ๐Ÿ˜€






About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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33 Responses to The Lady Doth Protest too Much, Methinks

  1. Well said. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. I get what you’re saying — I think. I’ll start over with this — blogging about my depression, anxiety, ADHD, and family history of mental illness drags me down if I only write about that all the time. I actually spent part of this evening organizing my blog, so I spent a good bit of time reading posts that were nearly three years old. I’ll spare you all the details but I realized that I have to spread out what I write about — If I just gripe and moan all the time, even just to get it out, it drags me down. I’m guilty of doing this, often without even realizing it until I go back and read it. I do think it’s hard when we’re in the thick of depression. It’s easier to look back and write with perspective, but in the midst it’s simply the down. I haven’t been reading many blogs lately, and mostly just skim posts here and there. You definitely have a story to share and are inspirational to others. Don’t doubt your credibility. I’m tired and this comment feels scattered and what I’m attempting to say is lacking flow so I’ll end. Depression sucks and makes us doubt ourselves and question everything. I enjoy your blog and I hope you’ll continue writing — mostly, I hope you feel better soon.

    • April says:

      Thank you. I think I said in there that sometimes I will have bad days, like most do. However, my days are more like months or years. I know I will always struggle with it, and I know I’m strong enough to live in spite of it. Not sure how I’ll get through the depression, but whatever I have available, I will fight. No giving in.

  3. You ARE strong! (and amazing!)

    • April says:

      Thank you! Not that I’m advocating living or dwelling on the past, but in this case, the reflection has opened my eyes to some things.

  4. Very nice post April. You are fighting very well and show other with mental illness that life is possible.

  5. ๐Ÿ™‚ Protest away!

  6. revgerry says:

    I support that decision April – “How I live in spite of myself” – great way to put it. I mostly try to live there too – spending too much time focused on the depressedd side is way too big a trigger and then I’m no good to anyone, starting with myself.

    • April says:

      I hear you. Not sure if I can prevent any triggers, but I know I have it in me to try—that is until depression sneaks up on me.

  7. revgerry says:

    Thought I commented – maybe it’s in moderation. Anyway, greetings.

  8. Yes, very much so. ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. Glynis Jolly says:

    I think there are times when all of us get on a tangent that we find almost impossible of get off from. We get obsessed with it, convinced that we must get to the core whether there be one or not; that everything in our lives depend on it. Somewhere along the way during our uphill climb, we finally feel the exhaustion, hesitate a moment too long and realize that what we were searching for isn’t the right thing and we’re not going to find it anyway. That’s the turning point, when we finally come back into focus and start putting some balance back into our lives. There may be a time in the future when we go out on a tangent again, but for now, things are clearer.

  10. I am happy to share space with you on, and off, the soapbox.

    • April says:

      Thank you! I feel the same. I want to put out more of the positive, like you do. I may have long periods of time it takes monumental effort to recognize that I’m thinking too much about being so miserable. It’s not like I buy into the idea of thinking myself out of depression, but I feel like I know I can keep myself there by focusing on the bad. I need to let it move through me and move on. At least this is my plan. Will it work? Not sure…

  11. tric says:

    There are days when we are stronger than others. Knowing a number of friends who live with depression, I greatly admire their strength. It is only the strong who can pull out of the darkness that comes to visit them. Well done you. You are definitely ‘a strong ‘un’.

  12. mewhoami says:

    It is so wonderful that you have such a loving husband who will never leave your side. Please never give up. There is always something beautiful. Always something to live for. Always.

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