Morbid, or inappropriate questions?

tis a cancer post I’ll be writing

I have a CT scan coming up in about two months. I’m not really obsessing over the build up of what could happen, because I won’t know until I’m given the results.

Living with depression is hell, however I have wondered what I would do if I were to be diagnosed with cancer again.

I’m going to repeat….the first time, I had surgery to remove a portion of my lung. No chemo or radiation. Three years in remission. Doctor’s keep telling me I shouldn’t see cancer again. But I doubt them.

My vision of treatment, is receiving poison in the form of chemo drugs, or radiation to target a tumor, which doesn’t sound very enjoyable—and it isn’t. A person is sick going through this process. Some spend many days in hospitals depending on the type of cancer they have been diagnosed with, or how they are responding to treatment.

I wonder, how much more life is gained from chemo? A month, couple of years, a decade?Is the quality of life great? Do doctors really know? No, because we are individuals, and our response is ours. If I had to decide, would I just go the course of palliative care?

Is an extra month or two, a couple of years or two, living as a sick person from the treatment actually worth it? Can life be embraced, and looking forward to the future, a possibility while receiving such treatment?

I understand that cancer is painful, but is chemo a better option than to simply live with the pain?

Do I want my family watch me whither to a shell of the person I am now?

When it is our time, we have no choice. We do have a choice as to how we live our lives. I really haven’t heard from cancer patients who survived years or decades. What are their lives like after the treatment?

Is the treatment ongoing until there is nothing left to torture us with?

Just the thoughts on my mind while struggling with time management this morning/afternoon.

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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9 Responses to Morbid, or inappropriate questions?

  1. mewhoami says:

    April, I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I know that each time this comes up, it’s such a frightening time. You ask hard questions here. My step-father who died a a year and a half ago, had no chance to live even with chemo. Had he though, had a chance (especially a decent one), then I would have wanted him to at least try the treatment. I know people who had cancer, but have been in remission for years and they are going about their days wonderfully. They’ve seen their kids grow up, enjoyed grandkids that have come along and have so much to live for, and their healthy.

    With all that said though, it is certainly a choice that every person should make individually. Not an easy one, but I think it would be weighing the pros and cons, our wants, others’ wants, and what could be. Because what could be, could be wonderful.

  2. That’s a lot to think about. I think if I were in your position I would feel exactly as you do. I’ll be thinking of you as you prepare for the scan and sending good energy, prayers, love, all that your way.

    • April says:

      Thank you. I’m still doing well with the anxiety over the next scan, but lots of questions swirl through my head regarding cancer.

  3. suzjones says:

    I wonder sometimes just how much better the treatment is than the actual disease. Yes, my baby brother lived another 12 years after his bone marrow transplant and chemo BUT he battled daily with his body attempting to reject the donor marrow. He lived on a cocktail of drugs that saw his weight balloon and drop many times over the years. His hair never, ever grew back except as wispy bits. He lost all of his teeth. He had no strength in his arms. And the list goes on.
    But there were positives also. He saw his nieces and nephews grow up. Many married and had children that he loved to spend time with. He was the best uncle ever to those kids.
    It was just bad luck that he caught swine ‘flu but if his defenses hadn’t been so eroded already, he may have had a fighting chance. There will always be pros and cons.

    I’m sorry that you are wondering all this again right now dear. IF (and this is an ‘if’) you ever need to make that choice, you will choose what is best for you because it is what is best for you that is the most important thing. ((hugs))

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