courage is that little voice

When I have moments which transport me to an exact feeling I had as a child, they intrigue me. Not the happy memories, but the moments I felt my stomach drop, my heart break, ugly, or stupid. How can something that happened so long ago be repeated under different circumstances?

A child sees and interprets events at the emotional level of a child lacking a lifetime of lessons and experiences. To have something happen as an adult, which zips me right back to that little girl, is sad, yet I know that living there–in the past–isn’t where I belong. Yet that physical feeling is experienced nonetheless.

Do we have to relive related experiences, producing the same physical responses the remainder of our lives? Meh, I don’t know.

I’m just happy to know that I can let the feelings move through me more rapidly than I used to.

I faced those bullies a long time ago, and I was the victor. I’m who I am because of what I had to do to survive. Not that it was fun, but here I am. Victorious.

My only preference is that I wish that similar experiences didn’t continue to hurt me. I may have been victorious, but I’m still human. Unfortunately, a little bit insecure at times.

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I will try again tomorrow. ~ Mary Ann Radmacher

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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9 Responses to courage is that little voice

  1. mewhoami says:

    I once heard that sometimes we have to go through similar experiences over and over again, until we can fully overcome them. In my life that’s happened and although it can be unpleasant, I’ve seen the pay off. Some are still in the “what’s the pay off stage”, but I think I’ll know one day. Baby steps. Each victory is a big one.

  2. Good you are working with this April. Don’t give anyone the power to take you down, no one deserve so much power in your life.

  3. reocochran says:

    I liked what you wrote about facing your fears, bullies and other ‘demons’ of the past. No one can be expected to forget how they made us feel, April. It is the positive way you mentioned that you move through the fears and pains, more quickly… It is strange to still have that tummy knot up, for me, when I think of some of my more insecure moments. I had a period of time, April, where a mean boy in marching band picked on me, mercilessly! He noticed that I had ‘greasy’ hair, then other times a little ‘dandruff.’ That I couldn’t always march and play my clarinet well… When I went to my class reunion, I mentioned that he must have ‘liked’ me, telling him that it reminded me of the boys in the old one room school houses, where they dipped the little girls’ braids in ink wells. He admitted, in front of his wife, that he had a ‘crush’ on me and actually apologized. I did this teasingly, not expecting him to admit much or anything!

    • April says:

      In second grade, a little boy constantly kicked me in the shins at recess. I returned the favor, until my mom hinted that he kicks me because he likes me. I stopped kicking back. 😀 I played the clarinet. When we marched, I just pretended to play while hating every moment of what I was doing.

  4. suzjones says:

    It’s those re-lived experiences that make us stronger. They help us to realise where we were and how far we’ve come. They also help us to help others because we can empathise.
    Big hugs to you my girl. 🙂

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