Thievery of the self is the worst

The most infuriating part of depression, for me, is the destruction of my memory.

I want to use some really strong, foul words to describe it.  But I’m going to keep those words inside my mind.

Just imagine living inside a tiny room, void of color and sounds. Walking around–or rather turning around–in that tiny room, in a mechanical manner. Nothing matters, no sounds are heard, no desire to speak.

Nothing.

Then one day, it lifts a bit, and the recognition of what has been missed while away, is showing itself—little by little.

Ha! You took a vacation and didn’t even know it. Well, you know you were away because you experienced it, and let me tell you, it’s hot in that vacation spot.

But you know what? This time, I’m not going to beat myself up for having to experience this type of altered state. It’s who I am. The more I berate myself, the more it brings me back down. Before long, I’ll be taking a vacation.

The next vacation I take will be real–with photos and memories.

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About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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11 Responses to Thievery of the self is the worst

  1. suzjones says:

    I hate it when the kids say to me “Remember when…..” and I have totally forgotten it because it was at a time in my life when I was just struggling to get through each day.
    I feel your pain. But I also feel your joy. And I enjoy your strength.
    Go get ’em Tiger!

  2. mummablues says:

    Exactly. The state of depression is actually a different state. A place wiped clean of any happy memories, and without any hope for joy or purpose in the future.

  3. mewhoami says:

    That’s right. Don’t beat yourself up. Just let it be what it is and work toward improving for the next time. You’ve already made a lot of progress. Also, can’t wait to see and hear about your vacation!

  4. Gallivanta says:

    Yes, bring on the photos!

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