Ha! It’s not you, it’s me—really!

I’m not sure if I will reach a person who lives with a person who suffers from a mental illness diagnosis. Maybe you’re a friend, or a co-worker who doesn’t recognize certain aspects of the disease.

I share posts with my husband. I think it helps him to understand the thoughts which appear irrational—but are completely real to our minds.

I’m really only speaking for myself because I don’t know if this is true for all suffering from a mental illness.

I push people away. I’m irritable, I sound extremely bitchy, it looks, or sounds like I’m being dismissive. I may be totally silent, and answer questions with one word.

Because I do this, I feel bad about myself. I’m ashamed of my actions, and all I want to do is to run from any interaction with a human. Even my beloved cats become annoying to me.

Yes, I want space, but it isn’t a conscious desire to withdraw—it’s part of the nature of the beast.

Please, don’t turn your back.

Don’t shut off communication.

Words aren’t always necessary, but a touch on the shoulder, a hug, or a smile could make a world of difference at that particular moment.

Also, I don’t know if I will ever get better, but I know I’m strong and I will learn to work around my diagnosis. Maybe I will eventually learn to control that part of me which creates more self-hate. It isn’t directed toward you—it’s me I’m fighting with.



About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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13 Responses to Ha! It’s not you, it’s me—really!

  1. mewhoami says:

    Hopefully by reading this not only your husband will realize that it’s not him, but also anyone else who is near someone suffering with depression. It’s hard to feel helpless for both the sufferer and the one who’s watching but can’t do anything to help. It’s good that you’re writing again, as I believe it’s one step toward gaining control.

    • April says:

      Some people are just simply mean…but there are some of us who are struggling.

      • mewhoami says:

        You’re right, some are. But, many are struggling and they need the support.

        • April says:

          You’re right. We never know what is going on in the lives of others. Everybody needs support at some point. Even though my post was more geared to the mentally ill, I truly don’t believe that meanness is meant just for the sake of meanness. I understand what you’re saying.

  2. Safe.Amanda says:

    I share my posts with my husband too, sometimes they make him tear up a little. But, it gives him insight into whats going on in my head since I am much better at writing it than explaining it. Lovely post for all the supporters out there ❤

    • April says:

      I think my husband understands ‘most’ of what of what I’m dealing with. At least I’m hoping he knows it really isn’t him?

  3. Gallivanta says:

    ‘It isn’t directed toward you—it’s me I’m fighting with.’ Good point.

  4. April, there are plenty of people who have not been diagnosed that push people away, don’t communicate, are snappish or insulting. You are more self-aware and introspective than the majority of people which is how I know that you are not doing anything to be mean. hugs for the long road.

    • April says:

      Thank you. I think I understand about the diagnosed people who may not realize that it’ part of the disease. I don’t know, I’ve joined some forums and groups regarding mental illness. My eyes have been opened, and even though I hate to say it, some are totally stuck. I’ve been there before, and I recognize what it looks and sounds like. If I were stronger, I would certainly like to help the people who are giving up before they put in some effort.

  5. suzjones says:

    Oh yes. I agree with your last sentence about who it is we are fighting with. I don’t know what my problem was yesterday but everyone was the enemy and I snapped the head off the GG countless times. I hate being like that. I really do.

    • April says:

      I really hate it as well. I’m beginning to understand the just “be” part of healing. Sometimes, we need to take a time out for ourselves.

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