This is what is in my head today.
I took a little hiatus from bi-monthly trips to my therapist. I believed I had enough tools to meet my challenges, and I did, until I recognized another underlying trigger for me.
Yeah, I think I’ve blogged about this before.
My therapist likes to remind me that my feelings have validity when I brush off what I find absurd. Everybody eventually loses a loved one. People relocate. Children leave home. Children return home. Our bodies change. I think I’m trying to bury what I don’t want to deal with.
Yeah, ignore it and it will go away, is not working for me. 😀
I know why I fear change. I had too much of it at once. Now, every time something changes, no matter how big or small, I start fearing the feeling of heartache, despair, and loss. I retreat inside of myself. I’m no longer confident. I find it harder to find hope. I’m just one step away from the world of nothing.
I’ve become a shell of my former self. I look at photos of my younger selves, and I can see my personality in those photos. I’m not talking about photos from my teenage or young adult life, but the person I was up until — about 2 years ago?
In the last eight years, I have allowed setbacks, change, and losses to chip away at me. Little piece by little piece. I’ve become one—one of those in the garden of Ursula’s merfolk.
I made a bargain with my self confidence, and I was unable to hold up my end of the bargain, thus becoming a polyp. — and another 😀
However, I haven’t given up. I realize how far I still have to go, and that makes me a little sad, but not beaten. I have also come a long way.
The best lesson I have learned on my road to managing and recovery, is that I can’t give so much power to the thought(s) which bring me down. I can recognize that they are there, but I need to recall the moments I was stronger and more confident.
It’s important to remember that we survive, and not focus on battle before the victory.