how many times can I repeat a topic?

This is what is in my head today.

I took a little hiatus from bi-monthly trips to my therapist. I believed I had enough tools to meet my challenges, and I did, until I recognized another underlying trigger for me.


Yeah, I think I’ve blogged about this before.

My therapist likes to remind me that my feelings have validity when I brush off what I find absurd. Everybody eventually loses a loved one. People relocate. Children leave home. Children return home. Our bodies change. I think I’m trying to bury what I don’t want to deal with.

Yeah, ignore it and it will go away, is not working for me. 😀

I know why I fear change. I had too much of it at once. Now, every time something changes, no matter how big or small, I start fearing the feeling of heartache, despair, and loss. I retreat inside of myself. I’m no longer confident. I find it harder to find hope. I’m just one step away from the world of nothing.

I’ve become a shell of my former self. I look at photos of my younger selves, and I can see my personality in those photos. I’m not talking about photos from my teenage or young adult life, but the person I was up until — about 2 years ago?

In the last eight years, I have allowed setbacks, change, and losses to chip away at me. Little piece by little piece. I’ve become one—one of those in the garden of Ursula’s merfolk.

I made a bargain with my self confidence, and I was unable to hold up my end of the bargain, thus becoming a polyp.  — and another 😀 is a photo for you who have not had the pleasure of watching Disney’s Little Mermaid about a thousand times.

However, I haven’t given up. I realize how far I still have to go, and that makes me a little sad, but not beaten. I have also come a long way.

The best lesson I have learned on my road to managing and recovery, is that I can’t give so much power to the thought(s) which bring me down. I can recognize that they are there, but I need to recall the moments I was stronger and more confident.

It’s important to remember that we survive, and not focus on battle before the victory.


About April

I'll come back to this when I find out who I really am. I've been through some extremely rough patches but they have made me a better person. I blog if my brain is functioning first thing in the morning.
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16 Responses to how many times can I repeat a topic?

  1. I have foolishly given time to “thoughts which bring me down”! I try to catch myself before I find myself in a bad mood and then wonder why! I could also relate when you said we must not focus on the battle. These good reminders will keep you moving forward into greater joy.

  2. Safe.Amanda says:

    I love the last part- you are doing amazing ❤

  3. Glynis Jolly says:

    Maybe we have to go through these retched times in order to change and have it mean something.

  4. The fact that you can remember how to means you are stronger than you think. But yes, we have good days and bad days, and questions every day. Keep going, April.

  5. reocochran says:

    The post that you wrote about your sadness, your losses, called “The Sucky Anniversaries,” did not have an area to comment or reply on. No box opened, so I will comment on this one, and the next one, April. They go ‘hand in hand,’ in some ways. I did not know this time of year was particularly trying, but remembered how you have lost a sister, dear family members and this much I can say, it is okay to be sad. It allows you to undergo the whole total picture of this time of year. Originally, you must have passed through those stages of grief. But re-living the time of year, it is a trigger, it needs to be handled through your own personal reactions. No one can tell you what or how to react. I wish there were a way to lighten your load, glad you have a great supportive husband, but this does not always bear on your emotions. One moment at a time and for me, focusing on some of the reasons I loved those special ones, trying to be thankful they existed, instead of never having them at all, for me helps. But, I have never lost as much as you, in such a short amount of time… Hugs, Robin

    • April says:

      Thanks Robin. I took the comments off that post. It’s just a rough week for me all around. Thank you for the encouragement. I know that I will make it through all of this.

  6. Life runs in cycles – the seasons, the daily clock, the female body. And anniversaries do present time for reflection and pause in the journey, the way they mark time and where we’ve allowed challenges to bring us. All’s we can do is put one foot in front of the other. It’s the same sun, but new everyday.

  7. Thanks for letting me camp out in your blog for a little while today. I’m following you, so I’ll be back!

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